


The Rhythm Of Our Broken Hearts

by Ren_rum



Series: Rehab In Rifle Rounds Matt/Andy Series [1]
Category: Black Veil Brides
Genre: M/M, Touring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:53:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 53,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25082671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ren_rum/pseuds/Ren_rum
Summary: After becoming best friends Andy and Matt find themselves on tour together once again, this time with their bands co-headlining the 2011 AP Tour. What starts out as another wild adventure across the country quickly turns into something more when their friendship starts to blur the lines between romance and bromance.Content warning: This story contains themes of eating disorders, violence, suicidal ideation/behaviors, strong language, alcoholism and drug use.
Relationships: Andy Biersack/Matt Good
Series: Rehab In Rifle Rounds Matt/Andy Series [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1913716
Comments: 8
Kudos: 22





	1. Smoke and Mirrors

Chapter One: Smoke and Mirrors 

The twenty-year old’s icy blue eyes drifted around the room. The walls were lined with various posters of previous shows, some of the bands he recognized, and others he didn’t, probably just casualties of the industry. You have your fifteen minutes, one good album if you’re lucky, a few decent tours, and then you’re gone in a flash. Replaced by another carbon copy of the next ‘big thing’, your fans having moved on, leaving you with nothing but memories of a ‘has been’ rockstar. That was always a fear of his, that the band’s quick rise to fame would be met with an equally fast fall. 

The raven-haired singer had given everything for this band, more than most people would ever know. He didn’t have a fallback plan, no safety net to catch him when the world stopped caring and things crashed around him. Not even bothering to finish high school, he had literally fled Ohio days after his eighteenth birthday to follow his dreams. To anyone looking in from the outside, it would appear that his passion and determination had paid off, here they were getting ready to celebrate their sophomore album’s release in a few months with a fan base that seemed to grow by the day, by all standards they had made it. 

But to Andy things were very different, things didn’t feel like a dream, they felt like a fucking arms race. From the day his cowboy boots hit the streets of Hollywood he had been on the run. Before he knew it there were people trying to sink their claws into him, everyone wanting a piece of what was ‘sure to be’ the next big thing. Producers, managers, and shady musicians all looking to hitch a ride and make a quick buck off him. At eighteen he had been naïve to it all, seeing the best in people got you eaten alive in this town. 

Not only did he have to constantly watch his back but everything he did, everything he said was up for criticism. The years of relentless bullying in school had done a number on his self-esteem, as a self-described ‘chubby’ kid the names he was called haunted him still. That was all supposed to be behind him, he had worked so hard to craft himself into something to be desired. Tall, blue eyes, long black hair, deep voice, and an impossibly thin figure, people either wanted to be him or be with him. So why was it that when some metalhead in a Black Sabbath t-shirt screamed ‘faggot’ at him that his blood still boiled the way it did at thirteen being slammed against a locker? 

Was it because he was afraid of people seeing past the mask? That the larger than life character he’d created was nothing but smoke and mirrors and behind it all was a deeply wounded fucked up kid who never really grew up. That he’d become a borderline alcoholic by the end of their second tour, that he chain-smoked his hunger away to stay thin, that more than a few times he’d found himself with his fingers down his throat telling himself it was just to ‘make himself feel better’. Or was it because he didn’t want people to know that he’d spiral into anxiety and self-doubt alone in his bunk at night because he knew one day the monsters he was running from would catch up to him? That he would be exposed. 

Or maybe he just didn’t like being called a faggot. 

“Are you taking these shots with us or not, motherfucker?” CC asked, his laugh snapping Andy out of his haze. 

The drummer’s painted hand dangled the shot glass in front of Andy, it was overflowing with whatever whiskey CC had brought from the bus, dripping down onto the stained greenroom carpet. 

“Of course, I fucking am.” Andy grabbed the shot glass, throwing it back and chased it with a can of Coke Zero, the bitter liquid burned his throat but he had grown to like it. 

Oddly enough, he had started his career vowing to be a sober musician. He’d watched too many of his childhood heroes become consumed with drugs and alcohol, and he didn’t want that to be his plight. It didn’t take long after moving to Hollywood for him to realize that made him the odd one out. All anyone seemed to care about was partying, drinking, and fucking. He managed to resist during their first tour, but a lapse of judgment on their second was all it took. 

As soon as that first drink passed his lips and he felt the warmth in his chest he knew his ‘sober’ career was over. For the first time in his life, he felt free and he never wanted that feeling to end. Things had been downhill from there. 

CC slapped him on the back, mumbling something about getting fucked up after the show and that he ‘knew a guy’ who could bring them some blow. Andy was way ahead of the rest, he’d been nursing a bottle of wine since he’d woken up a few hours before. Most of the other guys waited until closer to show time to start drinking, something Andy couldn’t contemplate. The last thing in the world he wanted to be was sober. 

Andy’s phone buzzed in his pocket with a text. He pulled it out, his thumbs typing out a reply to Matt. Their bus had just pulled up. A smile spread across his painted red lips before he quickly made his way out of the room, ignoring Jake calling after him that John needed to go over the stage set up with him. 

Andy hadn’t seen Matt in months. They kept in touch daily, but with both bands, constantly on tour, it was rare that they actually had time to hang out together. The two had met the previous year when their bands had been on tour together. They had hit it off almost immediately, it felt like. Matt wasn’t like a lot of the other people Andy had met in the scene, he was genuine and didn’t seem to give a shit about what others thought. 

When Andy found out that they would once again be touring together he could barely contain his excitement. Touring could get lonely despite what people might think, all your interactions are transient, and you go weeks and months without seeing your friends, family, or significant others. But at least this time he’d have someone to hang out with every day, do stupid shit with and someone to make him laugh (a task he found to be increasingly harder).   
His boots clicked against the ground in a fast cadence as he sprinted towards the bus marked with the ‘D.R.U.G.S’ logo. 

Matt stepped off the bus, his face lighting up as he saw Andy running towards him, his long black hair flowing in the wind with each stride. The older man opened his arms, stumbling back as he caught Andy in them. Matt hugged Andy’s thin frame tightly before letting go and looking his friend over. 

It wasn’t something he’d talked about with Andy, but the twenty-seven-year-old worried about his friend. Despite how close they were he knew that Andy kept a lot of things to himself. Even to his friends he tried to appear like he had it all together, Matt knew about some things, like how Andy struggled with anxiety and shit. The guitarist had been in the business for a while and he’d seen a lot of people fall victim to their own demons. He cared about the younger man, maybe a bit more than he wanted to admit, but it was 3 PM and Andy smelled like pure whiskey. Some concern was justified. 

“Fuck, this tour is about to be fucking legendary. I’ve missed you, Six.” Matt grinned, pushing his concern to the back of his mind. 

“Fuck yeah it is!” Andy laughed, waving to Craig as he and the other guys started filing off the bus before turning his attention back to Matt. 

Matt threw an arm around Andy’s shoulders, pulling him in as they started walking towards the venue together. Andy leaned into him, the shot he’d taken with CC starting to kick in and causing his balance to falter a bit. He glanced up at Matt, something he wasn’t used to having to do. Matt was one of the only people Andy knew that was actually taller than him. 

“Did you get a head start on drinking without me?” Matt asked. 

“Maybe… but don’t worry there’s plenty more in the green room. We’ve got to fucking go big for the first night.” 

Matt looked down at Andy, smirking, “Twenty bucks says I can out-drink your ass tonight, kid.” 

“Bet. Hope you’re ready to lose.” Andy laughed, slipped out from under the older man’s arm as they walked into the backstage area. 

Matt plopped down on the couch beside Jinxx, fist-bumping him and nodding to the other members of Black Veil that were doing more shots at the catering table. He watched as Andy went over things with John, the two of them making notes on the setlist. 

His eyes followed the contours of the young singer’s body down to the skintight leather leggings he was wearing. He liked the new look Andy was doing, the whole glam metal thing was a step up from the more toned-down look he had the previous year. The cropped leather vest he was wearing showed off his tiny waist; those days had long passed for the older man. Years of touring, beer and partying had added a few pounds to the guitarist, but then again, he wasn’t worried about wearing leather and spandex. 

Andy looked good in it though, then again there wasn’t much Andy didn’t look good in. It was one of the first things Matt had noticed about the singer when the first met. The alt-scene was full of good-looking dudes with nice hair, but Andy was absolutely stunning. His pale skin was flawless to the point that he looked photoshopped and his piercing blue eyes were captivating. If Matt was being honest with himself, he knew he had a bit of a crush on the younger man, he considered himself pretty open to most things, but he also knew better than to try and cross that line. He wasn’t even sure if Andy was into that type of thing, although he had his suspicions. 

On the last tour they were on together there had certainly been a lot of ‘play’ flirting which didn’t help the rumors about them. There was even one night, after far too much whiskey, that they had been ‘dared’ to kiss by some fans outside the venue. To Matt’s surprise, Andy had accepted the dare, leaning in and pressing his lips against Matt’s. Although it had only lasted a few seconds, it left Matt wanting more, but luckily better judgment prevailed, and he pushed that urge down. No use in complicating things when they didn’t need to be.   
Andy’s eyes drifted over to Matt, flashing him a pearly white smile. It was enough to make a shiver go down the guitarist’s spine.

***

Andy blew a smoke ring into the cool night air, leaning his head back as he closed his eyes. He passed the cigarette back to Matt who took a long drag, ignoring the bright red lipstick stain on it. The two were both shit-faced, having made good on their promise to try and out drink the other. After the show, some of the bands and crew had made their way down the street to a local dive bar, that luckily for Andy, didn’t seem to care about checking IDs. 

The singer wouldn’t turn twenty-one until the end of the year, but his alcohol tolerance was well advanced for his young age. Matt had a few inches and at least fifty pounds on the boy and yet Andy was still able to give him a run for his money. All the guys in Black Veil could drink, they were known for it. 

Despite their reputation, Matt had ended up winning after Andy tapped out on the sixth shot. He spent the next thirty minutes puking in the men’s bathroom, which he was sure to regret the next day when his voice was hoarse. Matt knew he would regret his victory in the morning, but regardless, he was twenty dollars richer now. 

“You feel better now?” Matt asked, feeling slightly guilty for Andy getting sick. 

“Yeah, totally. You know you I actually could have beat you, I just took that last shot too fast is all.” Andy insisted, his words slurred, and his ego clearly bruised. 

The older man couldn’t help but laugh at the desperate attempt to save face. “Is that so? Are you sure it isn’t because you’re more of a lightweight than you want to admit?” Matt teased, poking the singer’s side. 

“Rematch, tomorrow night,” Andy said with a smirk, reaching over to grab Matt’s pack of cigarettes from him. 

“Jesus dude… two nights in a row? I don’t know, I’m not trying to die this tour.” The older man replied. 

Andy lit his cigarette, inhaling deeply before leaning his head against Matt’s shoulder and letting the smoke slip through his lips. His eyelids felt heavy and the cumulative effects of drinking all day were starting to hit him. The last he checked it was a little after two A.M, the bar was closing and soon it would be bus call time. 

“You’re not going to fall asleep on me, are you?” Matt asked, putting an arm around his intoxicated friend. 

“Mm… I’m awake.” Andy mumbled. 

“Come on, I’ll give you a piggyback ride back to the buses,” Matt said, standing up and letting the singer get on his back. 

Andy weighed next to nothing, noticeably lighter than the last tour they’d been on together, Matt thought. It wasn’t like the older man had been lifting weights, Andy had definitely gotten lighter. He just hoped that all the partying and drinking wasn’t causing Andy to neglect his health. That lifestyle took a toll on your body, Matt had learned that the hard way a long time ago. Andy was young, probably still figuring out his limits. 

Matt carried him across the street to Black Veil's bus, having to wake him before putting him down. Andy swayed as he made his way up the steps, the older man keeping his hand on the small of Andy’s back to keep him from falling backward. Most of the guys were already on the bus, except for Ashely who normally didn’t make it back until seconds before the bus pulled out of the parking lot. 

Andy made his way into the back, past his bunk to a wooden door that had a crudely written sign on it that read ‘stabbin’ cabin’. He fumbled with the doorknob before finally opening it, pushing the door open and stumbling over to the queen-sized mattress on the floor. Matt followed, glancing around the small room. There were suitcases piled in the corners along with more cases of alcohol, the purpose of the room was quite clear with the mattress being the centerpiece. 

“This is uh… an interesting setup.” Matt laughed, sitting on the edge of the mattress as Andy rolled over onto his back. 

“Yeah… some of the guys insisted on it, but I’m sleeping in here tonight. Fuck them.” Andy mumbled. 

Matt didn’t blame the singer, bunks tended to be a rather tight fit for anyone over six foot, he always woke up with leg cramps from having them crammed into his bunk each night. It was the first night of the tour, hopefully, that meant the sheets were clean… 

“You going to take your stage clothes and makeup off?”   
“Too drunk-” Andy slurred, peeling off his vest and tossing it onto the ground beside the bed. 

Matt couldn’t help but let his eyes wander over Andy’s exposed chest, still stained with black paint. His red lipstick was slightly smeared as were the rest of the intricate designs he painted on his face. Despite that, he still looked stunningly beautiful and the alcohol clouding Matt’s brain was making it hard for him to keep his composure. 

“Well, I should get over to my bus before my manager blows a gasket wondering where I am, see ya, tomorrow dude.” 

“Wait-” Andy reached out, grabbing Matt’s hand and pulling him back. 

“I asked John if it was okay if you rode on our bus some nights and he said sure… you should stay on here tonight.” 

Matt hesitated, trying to decipher what that meant if it meant anything at all. They had shared a hotel room once the last time they toured together but that was it. “On here? What, do I get to take your bunk while you sleep in a real bed?” 

“Mm… just share with me.” 

Andy looked up at Matt, he had asked John if Matt could ride with them some nights, mostly because he wanted more time to hang out with him. There was surprisingly little time between set up, soundcheck, playing, signings, and meet and greets to do anything during the day. If Matt stayed with them then they’d have all night to make up for all the lost time. There was an extra bunk, and maybe it was the alcohol making him forget that fact, but maybe it was also wanting to feel the warmth of another human being that made the younger man pull Matt back to him. 

“Alright… I mean I guess it does beat a tiny ass bunk.” Matt said, giving in against his better judgment. He shot a text to his manager letting him know he was riding with Andy before kicking his shoes off and laying back against the mattress beside the singer. 

Andy curled up to Matt’s side, the scent of his friend’s cologne strangely calming to him. Matt pulled the covers up over himself and Andy who by the sound of his rhythmic breathing had already blacked out.


	2. Beautiful Disguise

Chapter Two: Beautiful Disguise

Andy winced at the sunlight pouring in through the blinds, a pothole in the road further jarring him awake. The singer’s head was throbbing, and his throat felt raw and inflamed. He didn’t remember the last time he woke up feeling like a functional human being, most mornings started like this one. As soon as he opened his eyes it was a desperate race to stop the shaky sick feeling that he had convinced himself was anything but an addiction. This was what the life of a rockstar was supposed to be like, was it not? Drink all night, fall asleep just as the sun was coming up, sleep till 2 PM and then do it all over again.

He slowly sat up, the throbbing in his head only intensifying, blurring his vision. Matt was asleep beside him, his back facing the younger man. A jolt of panic shot through Andy; he searched his brain for the memories of the previous night. Everything was a blur after the fourth shot. He and Matt didn’t- did they? 

No, they couldn’t of, Matt had probably just crashed on their bus. Andy bit at his lip, even just the thought that something more might have happened made him nervous. He knew that his friendship with Matt was close… probably closer than most ‘straight’ guys were with their friends. It wasn’t the first time Andy had experienced something like that, he’d had a lot of friendships with other guys that were characterized by intense emotions and an almost obsession with each other. Then it would just be over, never to see each other again, and it would leave Andy with an empty feeling in his chest that he tried to fill with anything that would make him feel alive again. 

He told himself he was straight, that he liked women. He’d slept with women before, a handful of times. The first time was when he was fifteen with this older girl he knew. All of his friends had said how amazing it felt, they talked about it constantly, tits and pussy that’s all they seemed to care about. Andy played along, ignoring the fact that the entire time it was happening he was just hoping for it to be over. Then there was the girl he was with when he moved to LA, he told himself he loved her, but he wasn’t sure if that was true. The last time was on the last tour, he was blackout drunk at a strip club the guys had wanted to go to. The woman, apparently a fan of the band, brought him back to a private room. He didn’t even finish, but that was just the alcohol he told himself. He just hadn’t met the right woman yet, or maybe he just wasn’t into sex. 

He let people think he was this big player, the number of women that threw themselves at him made it easy to lie. The truth was that he hadn’t even kissed someone in months. The rest of his band seemed content with the quick one-night stands that were the norm. A new girl every night, there was no shame, no reason to try and please them. Odds were that they’d never see them again, just meaningless fucking, because anything more was just too messy and complicated. Dating wasn’t exactly easy for a touring musician. Even if you were lucky enough to find someone that didn’t just want you for clout or money, it was hard to make things work being gone most the year. Who wants to date someone that isn’t there for holidays, birthdays, and date nights? Constantly having to worry that they might be drawn to temptation. 

That didn’t stop the singer from longing for something more than one-night connections. He’d been lonely most of his life, when he was younger it was because no one would give him the time of day. He was the awkward fat kid that the girls made fun of and the guys beat up. Now that he was considered conventionally attractive it was his career that kept him from having someone to give his heart a home. It made him feel sad, of all the people who adored him and said they loved him, none of them really knew him. Everyone just knew the mask he wore; therefore, they didn’t really love him, they loved it. Behind all the flashy clothes and makeup, behind the tough front and bad boy act was a heart desperate to be accepted and loved. 

Matt groaned, turning over onto his back and rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He cursed himself for letting Andy talk him into doing all of those shots. He was getting too old for this shit; he’d had his wild partying days of binges and benders. When you’re just starting out everyone thinks they can go forever. Then you mature and realize what you’re doing to yourself, that’s not what music is. There’s no art in getting drunk every night and not remembering what you did. 

“Fuck, man, how much did we drink last night.” The guitarist moaned, pushing his long brown hair back. 

“Hell, if I remember… god, I feel like absolute shit. My fucking throat is on fire.” 

“That’s because you puked after all those shots dude.” Matt laughed, parts of the night starting to come back to him. 

“I did not. I can hold my liquor.” Andy shot back, his eyes starting to adjust to the sunlight. 

“Uh, yes you did. I was there. I had to basically drag you into the men’s room. You really don’t remember that?” 

“Whatever” Andy huffed, rolling his eyes. 

Matt didn’t push the subject anymore. He knew that Andy drank a lot, it wasn’t exactly a well-kept secret. Maybe it was just the fact that it was the first night of the tour, and everyone went a little overboard, but he couldn’t push the worry from his mind that perhaps the rumors were true. He’d been hearing whispers from various people that Andy was getting worse, drunk almost all the time. He hadn’t noticed anything for himself, but then again, he’d been wrapped up in getting D.R.U.G.S up and running lately. He was Andy’s best friend, surely if the kid needed help, he’d reach out to him? 

“I’m going to go wash all this shit off,” Andy said, motioning to the smeared paint on his face, his legs feeling weak as he stood up. 

The younger man made his way out of the back, his balance still off. Most of the guys were still asleep in their bunks, except for Jake who was upfront, working on his laptop. Andy pushed the door to the small bathroom open, locking it behind himself. It was like standing in a coat closet, you barely had enough room to turn around. It had the essentials though, a sink, shower, and toilet. Sure as fuck beat when they were touring in a van, using disgusting truck stop bathrooms. 

Andy turned the water on, looking at his reflection in the mirror while he waited for it to get semi-warm enough. His blue eyes were bloodshot and his hair was a tangled mess. Black eyeliner and red lipstick were smeared over his face and his cheeks looked sunken in and hallow. He turned to the side, examining his torso. Clear indentions marked each of his ribs, and his bony shoulders and clavicles jutted out of his pale skin. He poked at his lower stomach which was bloated from the night of binge drinking. It was always the thing he was most self-conscious about; you wouldn’t know it from the things he wore, but every time he looked in the mirror all he could see was that thirteen-year-old ‘fluffy’ kid. 

A wave of nausea distracted him, his knuckles turned white as he gripped the sides of the sink, dry heaving. His chest ached from the act, a familiar morning ritual that he had honestly gotten used to. Once the feeling had passed, he stripped off the spandex leggings and belts and got into the shower. He didn’t enjoy waking up every morning feeling like death, but he hated being sober more. It was the tradeoff he had to pay. 

The water ran black as he scrubbed the paint from his face and skin, starting to feel better now that he was at least clean. Day-old makeup and hairspray were enough to make anyone feel like a piece of shit. His peace and quiet was interrupted by CC banging on the door, yelling that he had to piss. One bathroom for five dudes was probably the worst part of touring, definitely didn’t make for the glamourous rockstar life everyone envisioned. 

“Give me a fucking minute,” Andy called back, turning the water off and wrapping a towel around his waist before opening the door. 

Matt glanced over as Andy walked out in a towel, making his way into the back of the bus again. The older man had finally drug himself out of bed, joining Jinxx upfront for a much-needed cup of coffee. He flipped through social media on his phone, replying to a few fans that were talking about the previous night’s show. It was only when Andy reemerged a while later that Matt’s attention was finally drawn away from his phone. 

The singer had gotten dressed in his street clothes which consisted of black skinny jeans and a tank top that he’d cut up. His hair was brushed and straightened, falling down over his pale shoulders and his eyelids were dusted with black eyeshadow. Andy had an elegance about him that drew people in, even without all the theatrics that normally encompassed his stage look he was memorizing. Matt was pretty sure that most of the people in the scene who talked shit about him, were just jealous. 

Andy nodded to the guys, making his way over to the liquor cabinet and picked up a bottle of white wine, popping the cork before coming to sit down beside the older man. Matt was slightly caught off guard by the wine, neither of them had been up for more than an hour and given the night they just had, the last thing Matt wanted was alcohol. None of the other guys seemed surprised at the singer’s choice of breakfast, either that or they just didn’t care. 

“Want some?” Andy asked, offering the bottle to Matt. 

“I haven’t even eaten yet, and I’m pretty sure I’m still drunk from last night.” Matt laughed, putting his hand up. 

Andy shrugged and took another long drink from the bottle. He could sense Matt’s concern even though it was clear his friend was trying to hide it. The last time they’d spent more than a few hours together Andy really only drank after shows, well things had changed. A lot had changed… 

By the time the buses reached the venue, Andy was well past wine drunk, having finished the entire bottle. If it wasn’t for how concerning it was, Matt would have been impressed, to say the least. The downside of having drunk that much though was that he now lacked the coordination it took to do his stage makeup. He could barely walk in a straight line, let alone paint some elaborate design on his face with eyeliner. 

Matt found it oddly amusing watching the singer curse and throw the brush down before grabbing a makeup wipe and starting over. The rest of the band was ready, but Andy had been at it for over an hour, only growing increasingly frustrated with each attempt. 

“Dude, you guys are on in like twenty minutes. Just say fuck it, no one is going to see it up close anyways” Matt laughed, walking over and leaning against the bathroom wall to get a better view of the shit show. 

Andy had one eye down and was struggling to get the spikes on the other to match. The normally flawless lines were crooked and uneven. The guitarist was thankful that he could just roll out of bed and walk on stage, made things much less complicated. 

“Shut the fuck up,” Andy growled, shooting a glare at his friend. 

“Here, fuck let me do it.”

“Do you even know how to use this shit?” Andy asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“I mean I’ve seen you do it enough, besides can’t be any worse than how you’re fairing.” Matt chuckled, taking the brush and eyeliner from Andy before he could protest. 

Huffing, Andy gave in, turning to face Matt and praying for the best as the man went to work. He watched as the older man bit his lip, deep in concentration as he made flicking movements with the brush. Within a few minutes, his eyes were done, and Matt moved on to the stitches. 

“I’m going to look like a clown.” Andy groaned teasingly. 

“Isn’t that what you’re going for?” Matt chuckled, his lips twisting up in a smile as he examined his work. 

Matt searched through Andy’s makeup bag until he found the singer’s famous red lipstick. Andy had the most perfect lips that he’d ever seen on a person, guy or girl, and the ruby red color just made them pop even more. Matt hesitated for a second, waiting for Andy to insist that he could do this part himself, but he just tilted his head back, parting his lips slightly. 

The alcohol was clouding Andy’s judgment and his inhibitions were nonexistent. His heart skipped a beat as Matt grabbed his jaw, tracing the outline of his lips with the lipstick. There was something about the moment that felt… forbidden, dangerous, and exciting. 

Matt struggled to keep his composure as he filled in Andy’s lips, trying not to notice the way Andy’s eyes were set on him. The thought crossed his mind of just kissing the younger man, saying ‘fuck it’ and seeing where it led. The look in Andy’s eyes said he wouldn’t stop him, was Andy waiting for him to make the first move? If he was, he would have to wait because better judgment prevailed as Matt finished up just in time to restrain himself from making a mistake. 

“There. Not too bad if I do say so myself.” 

Andy turned around, examining Matt’s handiwork in the mirror. “It’ll do, I guess.” He smirked, opening his mouth to say something else before John burst through the greenroom doors and yelled at him that he needed to get his ass on stage. 

Matt let out a small sigh of relief, readjusting his pants as Andy rounded the corner. He laid back on the couch and kicked his feet up, staring up at the ceiling and trying to get the mental image of just what those perfect lips could do out of his head.


	3. The Liar, the Cheater, and the Fraud

Chapter Three: The liar, the cheater, and the fraud

The past two shows had gone by in a blur. If Andy had learned anything in the past year of touring it was that most venues look the same, and so do most cities. The only way he could tell the difference between the nights was by the name of each stop written at the top of their setlist. Other than that, the sea of faces all looked the same, the same black eyeliner and fringe cut bangs. Matt had ridden with them both nights, although this time in the extra bunk. It was nice having him on tour, they had even managed to sneak in a trip to the theatre to see a new action movie before the previous night’s show. 

Tonight, was a hotel night, which meant a real bed that wasn’t barreling down a highway at 70 mph. It meant a real shower and privacy for a change. John had said something about him rooming with Jake, which was fine, at least he didn’t snore. Apparently, some of the I See Stars guys were planning on having a party which could be interesting, even if it was only for the booze. The singer was in desperate need of anything alcoholic. He’d spent the past forty-eight hours ‘feathering’ down as he referred to it. 

Feathering was the term for when he had to be semi-sober for something, be it press, ‘important’ people, or just to give his liver a break. He couldn’t stand the thought of just sobering up, so instead, he would just drink progressively less each day until he was in a more ‘sober-ish’ state. That ‘feathered’ state was where he currently resided in, much to his distress. The band had had press all day, and John had warned them all they’d be filming footage of the show tonight for promotional material. Therefore, they were expected to at least give the appearance of sobriety. Can’t have all the moms and dads finding out that their kid’s favorite band are a bunch of alcoholics. 

When did rock and roll become so watered down the singer wondered? Back in the hay day of glam metal, it was expected that if you were in a band you were fucked up 99% of the time, and the other 1% you were asleep. 

The byproduct of his restraint was the resurgence of all the things the alcohol helped keep under control. His anxiety had gotten so bad that he’d chain-smoked his way through an entire pack of cigarettes before he even realized it. The nicotine did little to calm his nerves anymore, it was mainly to just to ward off the withdraws and hunger. A few more hours to go and then he didn’t have to play ‘good’ anymore he told himself. After the debacle that was Matt having to do his makeup because he was too fucked up, he knew that a few days off drinking was probably for the best. 

The backstage area was a madhouse. The venue had gone all out and catered the show, something about the owner knowing one of the guys or something. Free food on tour was the equivalent of a home run when you’re barely able to make ends meet to put fuel in your bus. Touring costs a lot of money, more than people realize, and food tended to be one of those ‘you pay it’ expenses. So, every band member, tech, and roadie was taking advantage of the handout. 

Andy looked down at the plate of food that he’d made. A few finger sandwiches, chips, and various sweets. He picked at it, only occasionally taking bites as he pretended to listen to whatever the people around him were talking about. Craig was currently halfway through a story about the time he almost got arrested on tour which had CC and Matt almost in tears from laughter. The younger man kept drifting in and out of the story, too distracted by all the noise and people around him to focus. 

When he was younger his social anxiety had kept him from most social gatherings. It was part of the reason that all the other kids labeled him weird. He thought he would grow out of it, and while it had gotten better, it still reared its ugly head. That was another reason he had started drinking, it made it easier to be social. In this business being social, outgoing, and getting to know people was required. Almost everyone he knew relied on alcohol for that. Without that crutch, the number of people around him was suffocating. He had been fighting the feeling all day. 

“You going to finish that?” Matt asked, pointing to the sandwich on Andy’s plate, pulling him out of his thoughts. 

“What? Oh no, you can have it.” Andy replied, pushing the plate over to Matt despite the hunger pains he’d been having all day. 

Andy caught Ashley’s eyes just as he rolled them in annoyance. “You on some new diet again?” the bassist asked, clearly meaning it as an insult. 

The man never missed a chance to cut the singer down, especially in front of others. Things had gone sour between the two towards the end of their last tour, what was once friendship had turned into resentment and borderline hatred. Of course, looking back it was never a real friendship, Andy knew that now. For a city of angels, it sure was filled with a lot of demons. 

“Nah, some of us still have young metabolisms.” Andy shot back, hitting the man where he knew it would hurt. 

Ash opened his mouth to say something else but Jinxx elbowed him in the side before quickly trying to change the subject to something else. Matt had picked up on the tension, his eyes shifting between the two men. He was about to say something to Andy before the singer suddenly stood up, mumbling something about going outside to smoke. 

Andy’s hands shook with a mix of rage and anxiety as he struggled to light the end of his cigarette. The cool spring air did little to calm his nerves as they threatened to overtake him. His body felt tingly and his heart was pounding in his chest so hard he could feel it in his throat. It wasn’t even Ashley’s comment that set him off, he just couldn’t keep up the fake appearance anymore. He was just supposed to sit there and pretend to give a shit about all the peacocking and self-flattering everyone was doing. So many interactions were just fake, it was exhausting to pretend to like someone that you knew talked shit about you the second you left the room. Yet somehow that was the norm in the industry. Liars, cheats, and frauds. 

Andy tried to steady his breathing as it threatened to become more erratic, making it hard to draw each breath in. He felt lightheaded and sick to his stomach, fidgeting with the zippers on his sleeves to try and keep composure. The last thing he needed was for someone to walk outside and see him like this, shaking like a leaf and on the verge of tears for no fucking reason. Everyone was always looking for a reason to hate him, to laugh at him or call him a faggot. 

“Hey… you alright man?” a familiar voice cut through the silence. 

Andy kept his face hidden behind his hair, only turning around enough to see Matt out of the corner of his eye. 

“I’m f-fine, just smoking…” he cursed himself mentally for stuttering, hoping that Matt didn’t pick up on it. 

Their friendship was one of drunken adventures and stupid jokes, not serious shit. Andy liked it that way, it was an escape from the darkness in his mind. Matt was a positive person, like an early morning sunrise pulling him out of the night. Andy didn’t want to ruin that, he relied on the lighthearted simplicity to keep him grounded. He didn’t want to bring the other man down, better to suffer in silence. 

Matt knew about Andy’s anxiety, but only because he’d mentioned it in reference to his childhood. He’d never broken in front of the older man, as far as he knew it was something Andy had under control. Sure, he had his suspicions that the twenty-year-old was keeping his struggles hidden away, but he didn’t feel as though he had a right to intrude. Andy could be very hot-tempered, and often pushed people away if they made one wrong move. Matt didn’t want to risk that happening if he prodded too much. 

“Andy… you’re shaking…” Matt’s tone changed, there was warmth to it, comfort. 

Andy’s walls threatened to break. Growing up an only child he always had the sole attention of both his parents, always someone to run to. Leaving his mom behind in Ohio was one of the hardest things he had to do, but he wasn’t a kid anymore. He longed for the comfort of another person; it was exhausting carrying the burden of everything by himself. It had dawned on him about a month after he moved to LA that he was all alone. There was only so much you could confide in your bandmates about, say too much and risk it being used against you. 

Matt bit his lip, unsure of how to approach his friend. He stepped closer to him, trying to gauge the situation the best he could. Andy wasn’t one to show emotions, except for anger, especially not weakness. It was something that always upset Matt a bit, he considered Andy his best friend but yet he knew so little about him. Sure, he knew every single one of his favorite movies, his favorite era of Batman, his favorite bands, food, mixed drinks, and most of his childhood, but emotionally? Matt didn’t know a goddamn thing. He was pretty open to Andy, he’d told him about the hardships in his life, the heartbreaks, and setbacks… but it wasn’t a two-way street. It was part of the mysterious allure the singer had. 

“I said I’m fine, Matt! Can you leave me the fuck alone?” Andy snapped, feeling like a cornered animal. 

“Fuck it, whatever…” Matt sighed, knowing better than to try and say something equally as rude back. He turned to walk back into the venue before stopping at the door. In the silence he could hear Andy struggling to draw air in, his desperate attempts just sounding like painful gasps. 

Andy jumped at the feeling of Matt’s hand on his back. The guitarist rubbed calming circles over his leather jacket, “You’re safe Andy… it’s okay.” 

The words hit the singer like lightning bolts. Most people said things like ‘just breathe’ or ‘calm down’, which while meaning well, normally had the opposite effect. He knew he needed to breathe, and he was trying to calm down, he didn’t need someone to tell him that. But safety? He’d give anything for that… 

Andy turned into Matt, resting his head against the other man’s shoulder. He closed his eyes and inhaled the sweet scent of Matt’s cologne, letting it ground him. He didn’t care if someone walked out and saw them, he felt like he was drowning, and here was a life raft. 

Matt kept his arms loose around the younger man, careful not to make him feel trapped or suffocated. 

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you.” Andy sighed, breathing becoming easier again. 

“I was just feeling so overwhelmed by all the noise and people… I just couldn’t take it anymore.” Andy admitted, closing his eyes and trying to keep his focus on the warmth from the older man. 

“I know… you don’t have to be sorry. I used to get panic attacks like that too, took me a while to learn how to stop them.” Matt tried to reassure him. 

Andy started to choke up, the tears threatening to fall, and he didn’t even know why. He told himself it was just mood swings from the alcohol withdraw but in the back of his mind, he knew better than that. He’d been walking a tight rope for so long, barely keeping his balance. His life was a fucking circus, and everyone was just waiting for him to fall. 

He wanted to trust Matt, but the second he opened up to someone was the second that they won. If you give someone the power to hurt you, they eventually will, it was a law of the universe as far as Andy was concerned. He’d made that mistake so many times in the past, trusting ‘friends’ that just stabbed him in the back. He found it hard to believe that anyone actually cared, they all just wanted something from him. 

“Andy, you know I’m here for you. I mean yeah, we have fun and all, and we joke around a lot but… I care about your well being too. So, if you’re going through something...” Matt trailed off, afraid that it would just turn into him rambling. 

He felt Andy pull back, the man’s walls going back up. The singer cleared his throat and nervously played with his hair before forcing a smile. “I’m okay, really… it was just like you said, a panic attack.” 

Matt nodded, a twinge of sadness going through him for the boy. It must be hell on earth to have to pretend the way Andy did every day.


	4. Sic Transit Gloria

Chapter Four: Sic Transit Gloria

“Slam it motherfucker!” CC screamed at the top of his lungs as Andy threw a shot of tequila back before slamming the glass back onto the table.

The drummer cheered, high fiving the singer as the other guys across from them tapped out. Andy smirked at his victory, it was the third drinking game he and CC had won, keeping the Black Veil legacy alive.

People were pouring in and out of the hotel room in droves. The guys in I See Stars had invited a shit load of people from the show as well as all the roadies and bands to their rooms for an insane night. People were trashed; several had already passed out between the three hotel rooms and others were doing god knows what in the bathrooms. Andy had accidentally walked in on a threesome earlier while looking for Jake.

The amount of alcohol coursing through his veins was enough to put a regular person in a coma, but he felt more alive than he had at any point over the last two days. All the anxiety and worries from earlier in the night had vanished after the first couple of drinks, freeing him from the crippling sinking feeling in his chest. Now it was just blissful numbness, exactly how he liked it.

Matt was drunk but compared to the rest of the people in the room, he was damn near sober. The twenty-seven-year-old knew his limits, and he knew how much he could drink and still function the next day. He glanced around at all the scantily clad women in the room, several of them looked like they were probably strippers, and all of them seemed hellbent on fucking a rockstar. Matt considered shooting his shot with a petite blonde who kept giving him the ‘come hither’ look, she was drop-dead gorgeous with the most amazing set of fake tits he’d ever seen.

He was just about to get up and go over to her when Andy fell back on the bed next to where he was sitting. The kid was absolutely wasted. He was still in his stage clothes, his leather vest wide open, exposing his torso. Matt watched as he rolled over on his side, grabbing onto the guitarist’s arm to help pull himself up into a sitting position. He had a wild look in his crystal blue eyes that said, ‘I’m going to make bad decisions tonight’. If Matt was a better friend, he might have cut Andy off hours ago and brought him back to his room to sleep it off.

“Andy, dude! Come here.” CC called, catching the singer’s attention.

Matt looked over to where CC, Ash, and two chicks were cutting up lines of coke on the table. He knew that Andy had tried that stuff before, but he’d never actually seen him do it. Not that Matt had any room to judge, he’d done plenty in his lifetime, but he’d also seen it destroy friends of his. Andy deserved to enjoy his youth, but Matt still couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling he got watching him get fucked up night after night. The kid had almost had a full-on mental breakdown because he was sober for two days, that wasn’t healthy.

Before Matt could object, Andy was pulling him towards the table where the others were. Ashley rolled up a twenty-dollar bill and did three lines in quick succession. Ash was somebody that Matt couldn’t stand, not just him, but guys like him. It was quite clear he wasn’t in it for the music, he was in it for the partying, drugs, booze and girls and he was a bad influence. Despite Andy’s disdain for the guy he still seemed concerned with impressing him, proving that he could keep up with the ‘big boys’.

“All three, Six. Don’t be a bitch.” The bassist said, passing the rolled-up bill to the younger man.

“Aw man, if we live through tonight, holy shit!” CC exclaimed, whipping his phone out and taking a video as Andy bent over, pushing his hair to the side and doing all three lines.

The rush hit Andy almost immediately, producing a euphoric feeling that perked him back up from all the alcohol in his system. The singer wasn’t as into the stuff as some of the other members of his band were, but he had to admit it was a pretty amazing feeling. He turned to Matt, laughing and falling into him, relying on the other man to help him keep upright.

“Matt, come on, it’s your turn.” He slurred, pointing over at the table.

“Fuck it, sure.” He said after a moment of hesitation, taking the bill from Andy and doing a quick line. One was enough for him; besides he didn’t plan on sticking around for much longer, he wanted to get some sleep in before bus call in the morning.

“Matt, come on, I want to do something fun,” Andy whined, tugging his friend’s arm as he motioned towards the door.

By fun, Andy probably meant ‘destruction of property’ or some other deviant behavior that John would have his ass about the next day. On their last tour together, the two of them had destroyed countless hotel rooms across the states. Matt wasn’t in the mood for a lecture from his tour manager, so it was probably best to defuse whatever horrible idea Andy had. Perhaps Matt could talk him into going back to one of their rooms and watching whatever dumb movies the hotel had on pay-per-view. Andy needed to pass the fuck out before he got himself in trouble or got hurt.

The hallway was much quieter and less crowded than the hotel rooms were, which Matt was thankful for. The smell of cheap booze, cheap perfume, and sweaty band dudes was not amongst his favorite scents. Andy was several paces ahead of him, yelling various incoherent things and stumbling over his cowboy boots. Matt couldn’t help but laugh at the drunken display, Andy was pretty entertaining when he was drunk, that was when he wasn’t trying to fight someone of course.

He ended up following him down to his and Jake’s room where Andy struggled with his key card to open the door. It took a few tries before finally the door clicked and he pushed it open, waltzing into the empty room. The younger man threw his vest off, not caring about his war paint rubbing off on the nice white sheets.

“Matt, come here.”

Matt obeyed, walking over to the bed where Andy was sitting, raising an eyebrow at the inebriated boy in front of him. Before he could react, Andy grabbed him by the arm, yanking him down onto the bed.

“Bet you can’t pin me.” He taunted, moving faster than a drunk person should be able to as he climbed on top of the guitarist, trying to use his body weight to pin him.

“You think you can wrestle me?” Matt chuckled, easily flipping over and pinning Andy on his stomach and grabbing the boy’s arms in a hold behind his back.

Andy yelled, no doubt waking whoever was unfortunate enough to have the room next to them. He managed to swing one of his legs back, hitting Matt in the chest and distracting him long enough to break free of his hold. He charged at Matt who narrowly managed to grab the singer’s forearms, wrestling with him for control. Matt was clearly stronger than Andy and was able to win the battle fairly easily as he climbed on top of him. He pinned the boy’s wrists beside his head and despite Andy’s best attempts, he couldn’t break free.

“I win. You lose.” Matt teased, smirking at his drunken attempts to free himself.

Matt looked down at Andy, his long black hair spread out on the white bedsheets, his neck exposed and his chest rising and falling as he panted for breath. The older man’s blood ran cold at the sight of his friend underneath him. Andy’s lips twisted into a seductive smirk that sent a shiver down Matt’s spine.

He squeezed the singer’s wrists harder, just to see what it would feel like to have complete control over the man. Andy was so cocky and dominating on stage, yet here he was, vulnerable and submissive as he stopped fighting against Matt’s grip. Matt felt himself starting to get hard, having drunk just enough to not realize the danger he was in.

“Fuck, you’re gorgeous…” he whispered without thinking.

“Am I?” Andy replied, his voice deep and raspy from the show.

“We’re going to get in trouble.” Matt chuckled, hoping that Andy would put a stop to things because he knew that he didn’t have the strength to.

Andy licked his bottom lip, his white teeth biting into the plump flesh as he kept his eyes on Matt, studying his reaction. The singer wasn’t thinking properly, and in his intoxicated state, he’d lost the part of his brain that made him afraid to go after what he’d normally tell himself was off-limits. Truth was, he wanted to try this for a long time. After all the disappointing nights he’d spent with women who did nothing for him, he wanted to experience something different. He was so caught up in the moment, the ache in his gut as Matt’s grip tightened around his wrists, the butterflies he got when he thought about closing the distance between their lips, and the sense of danger that turned him on.

“I want to get in trouble.” Andy breathed, his heart pounding.

Matt let go of Andy’s wrists, moving his hand to the boy’s neck, feeling his racing pulse beneath his fingertips. He pressed in, just a little bit, just enough. Andy closed his eyes, tilting his head back and moaning softly.

“You fucking drive me insane. Do you know that?” Matt asked, moving his hand up to cup Andy’s cheek.

“Mm, do I?” Andy turned his head, kissing the older man’s hand.

Matt couldn’t take it anymore, he leaned down over Andy, caressing his painted face as their lips lingered inches apart. He closed the gap, pressing his lips against the singer’s as he laced his fingers in Andy’s silky black hair.

The kiss was slow and passionate, not rushed and sloppy. He slipped his tongue into the younger man’s mouth; Andy tasted like whiskey and cigarettes and it drove Matt crazy. This was nothing like their peck on the lips for fans, this was real. There was something raw behind it.

“Have you ever done this before?” Matt asked, trailing kissing up Andy’s jaw.

“No… have you?” Andy whispered.

“Mm, once before…” “You never told me?” Andy bit at Matt’s lower lip, sending shock waves through the man.

“You never asked. Is this what you want to do…?” Matt pulled back enough to see Andy’s face, brushing the man’s hair back.

“Y-Yes…” there was a hint of uncertainty, or maybe it was fear, in Andy’s voice that gave Matt pause.

Andy was blackout drunk, his eyes kept threatening to close as the stimulating effects of the coke started to wear off. Matt had to stop this, Andy didn’t know what he wanted, and as much as he wanted the singer, this wasn’t right. It pained him to pull back, wiping the red lipstick from his lips with the back of his hand.

Andy’s eyes went wide with a look of hurt and confusion when he realized Matt was rejecting him.

“Why’d you stop?”

“Andy… you’re too drunk. Listen you need to go to bed, okay?” Matt straightened his shirt and pants, trying to readjust his boner from being so visible.

The younger man sat up, his head spinning and making him feel nauseous from the sudden movement. The reality of what he had just asked Matt to do hit him like a ton of bricks. Fuck, what was he doing? ‘No, no, no, no’ he thought, he wasn’t gay, he just got carried away. He should be thankful that Matt pulled back. Then what explained the hole in his chest at the thought of him walking out?

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Six.” Matt smiled, waving goodbye before walking out and letting the door click behind him.

Andy sat in stunned silence for a few minutes, trying to process what just happened. It was already starting to become a blur; he didn’t even remember how they had gotten back to his room. He suddenly felt the alcohol threatening to come back up as he sprinted into the bathroom, barely making it before throwing up, the tequila burning his throat.

He waited until he was sure that his stomach was empty before slowing standing back up, stumbling back into the counter. He grabbed the bottle of mouthwash by the sink, throwing back a cap full to get the taste of stomach acid out of his mouth.

Fuck, he just needed to blackout and forget all this shit. He had no idea what time it was, but it had to be at least four in the morning. He was just about to turn the corner to collapse in bed when a knock at the door caught his attention.

Almost falling over, he managed to open the door, expecting to see Jake standing there. Or maybe Matt had come back… instead, a woman was standing in the doorway. Her long dirty blonde hair fell in loose waves down her back and she was wearing heavy black eye makeup. She was thin with long tan legs and a studded leather jacket with the shortest shorts he’d ever seen. She looked slightly older than Andy, maybe in her mid-twenties, she looked familiar, but Andy was too fucked up to tell from where.

“Your friend told me this was your room.” She purred.

“My friend?”

“Yeah, Jinxx I think his name was? I asked where you were because I couldn’t find you at the party. I’m Roxy, by the way. I was at the show tonight… you caught my eye.”

Andy thought about slamming the door in her face, he didn’t have time for some groupie who just wanted to be able to go back home and brag to her friends. He started to close the door but stopped, looking the woman up and down before stepping aside and letting her in. The hotel door clicked behind her as it shut, Andy watched as she made her way over to the bed, sitting down on the edge and looking up at him with lustful eyes.

Isn’t this every guy’s dream? Some smoking hot chick comes knocking on your door, begging you to fuck her. Andy thought about how moments earlier it had been him laying back on that bed, begging some guy in a band to fuck him. The thought made his stomach turn, no… he wasn’t gay. He couldn’t be, not after all the years of being called names in school, on stage, and even just walking down the street. He didn’t want Matt like that, he was just caught up in the moment, a little curious maybe, but definitely not gay. Roxy was a sign; he’d prove it himself.

“Are you just going to stand there and look at me… or are we going to have some fun, rockstar?” she purred, slipping her leather jacket off revealing a lacy red bra.

The singer stumbled over to the bed, falling down onto it next to the half-naked woman. He could barely see straight, his head spinning as she climbed on top of him, her hips grinding against his. Andy reached up, cupping her breast in his hands before ripping the lace fabric off.

Roxy’s lips crashed into his as she pressed herself against the raven-haired singer. Andy flipped her over, tugging her tight shorts off. His eyes scanned her now naked body, she was beautiful, any man would be drooling at the sight. Yet, here he was with her sprawled out beneath him and all he wanted to do was get it over with so he could pass out.

“Fuck me…” Roxy whispered, her hands moving to the waistband of Andy’s spandex leggings.

He tugged them off, pumping himself with his hand as he tried to get hard. He could tell that she was getting impatient, a girl like her probably wasn’t used to having to work for it. She laced her fingers in the singer’s hair, pulling Andy into another kiss, lining her hips up with his. The alcohol flowing through his veins wasn’t helping the situation as he struggled to stay hard.

He felt himself starting to blackout, it wasn’t him, it was the alcohol. Had she found him earlier this wouldn’t be a problem, or maybe he just didn’t like blondes.

“What’s wrong love? Am I not your type?” she pouted, his manicured fingertips brushing Andy’s hair back.

“Darling… I’m so fucking wasted right now.” Andy chuckled, hoping that she would take the hint and just leave. He was over the entire night.

Roxy huffed and pushed him off of her, standing up and putting his shorts and jacket back on, zipping it up over her tits. She looked beyond pissed, but that wasn’t Andy’s fault, there were plenty of guys that would love to satisfy her. It wasn’t his fault that she pretty much forced her way inside only to be disappointed. Sorry sweetheart, the party’s over.

“Sure, that’s it…” there was spite in her tone, and if Andy was sober, he might have caught the meaning behind her comment.

He heard the door slam behind her before everything faded to black.


	5. I'm Screaming Out, Can You Hear Me?

Chapter Five: I'm Screaming Out, Can You Hear Me?

Matt looked around the small breakfast area, it smelled like stale pastries and instant coffee, but at least the greasy continental breakfast had helped his hangover. The night was kind of a blur, but bits and pieces of it were starting to come back to the guitarist. He remembered getting drunker than he'd intended and doing blow with Black Veil. He remembered following Andy around the empty hallways back to his and Jake's room, and that's when things got a little bit hazy. The older man wasn't quite sure how the two ended up on the bed, just that they did. What he vividly remembered was how soft Andy's lips were against his, how the younger man had wanted more... or did he? Matt wasn't sure what Andy wanted, that's why he stopped.

His friendship with the singer meant too much to him to sacrifice it for a one-night fling that neither would totally recall the next day. He wasn't sure how much, if any, Andy would remember, but he knew he needed to find the kid. He'd spent the entire morning nursing his hangover and going over how to approach what happened in his head. Creating different scenarios based on Andy's recollection of the night. Best case scenario, Andy remembered nothing, and things could just carry on as normal. Worst case... Andy decked him in the mouth.

The Black Veil guys were all sitting around one table, each of them looking absolutely trashed from the night of partying. Andy was missing from the group.

"You guys still alive?" Matt laughed, approaching the table.

"Fucking barely, man, goddamn last night was fun though," CC commented, playfully punching Matt in the arm.

"It was pretty fun, where's Six? He got pretty fucked up last night."  
"Andy? Fuck last I checked he was puking his guts up in the bathroom. When I came back last night, he was passed out cold." Jake laughed.

"Well he's got another hour before we've got to leave, so he better manage to pull it together. I'm not dealing with his hungover ass on the bus." Ashley scoffed with seemingly zero concern for the singer's wellbeing.

Matt opened his mouth to say something smart back to the man, if he recalled correctly it was Ashley who was encouraging Andy to keep pushing his limits. Matt had noticed that on their first tour together as well, it was Ash who kept buying Andy alcohol despite him only being nineteen at the time. From what he heard about the dude, he'd be a hero for knocking a few of the man's teeth out. Getting into a fight with Ash wasn't going to help anything though, better to keep the peace, so the guitarist decided against saying what was on his mind.

"Well, I'll go see if I can get some coffee or something into him," Matt said, forcing a smile at the bassist.

Matt made his way down the hallways until he found Jake and Andy's room, knocking on the door. A couple of minutes past with no sound coming from inside the room and he was just about to knock again when suddenly the door opened.

Andy looked like he'd been through hell and back. His face was pale, and he looked absolutely miserable. Without all the makeup and leather on he looked so much smaller, he was shirtless, and Matt could see the indentions that marked his ribs.

Matt closed the door behind himself, glancing around the room which was completely demolished. Clothes were all over the floor and he even spotted a ripped bra in the corner of the room by Andy's bed. There was no way that he fucked some girl... he was on the verge of blacking out when Matt left. Maybe he did, 'Good for him' the older man thought, even though he couldn't deny the twinge of jealousy he felt.

"Hey man, I brought you some coffee and some donuts. You look like you could go for some caffeine." Matt held the steaming coffee cup and package of donuts out to the singer.

Andy wrinkled his nose, turning his head as he gagged. He held up his finger, mumbling something that sounded like 'excuse me' before hurrying into the bathroom. Matt winced as he heard Andy get sick, feeling bad for the boy. Learning your limits fucking sucked, but Andy had to do it.

Andy had woken up only a few hours after he'd passed out, his head throbbing so hard he thought it might explode. Jake had been passed out on the other bed in his boxers, the singer didn't recall him coming back. He couldn't remember much after getting back to the hotel room. He was pretty sure Matt was there, there was wrestling, and then... he didn't kiss Matt, did he? No, he had to be confusing that with Rachel... Rebecca? No... Roxy, he was pretty sure that was her name. He wasn't sure if he'd fucked her or not, it was all just a blackout. Just another night that he had to piece together to try and reconstruct what he'd done. There were times that the thought of drinking away his 'golden years' made him sad, that the thing he'd spent his whole life chasing was finally in his grasp, and yet he could hardly remember the past year.

This was hands down the worst hangover he'd had since Des Moines the year before. That was his first experience with what most people would consider binge drinking. He didn't remember a goddamn thing but based on the numerous videos of him crying on the stage floor he could only imagine what a shit show it was.

He was tempted to try and get out of the show tonight, but he knew John would have his ass if he even brought that up. He just needed to get his stomach to calm down enough to rehydrate himself and then he'd be okay... he hoped.

He felt a cool hand on his back as Matt knelt beside him, pulling his hair back out of his face. Normally, he'd be embarrassed for anyone to see him like this, but he was too exhausted to give a shit at the moment. Don't let them see you crack, not even your friends...

"Are you okay, Andy?" Matt's voice was laced with concern.

"I'm fucking great." Andy groaned, laying down on the tiled floor, he didn't even care if it was disgusting.

The younger man shivered as a wave of chills came over him, his body felt weak and heavy and he was starting to wonder if he was actually getting sick. It never failed that at least once each tour he caught something, whether that was the flu, pneumonia, or laryngitis. He knew it was because of how he treated his body. All the alcohol, smoking, and lack of proper nutrition was bound to catch up with him eventually. He couldn't even remember the last time he'd eaten more than a few bites of something, alcohol had become his main source of calories.

His body shook again, suddenly feeling cold despite almost overheating a few minutes ago. 'Fuck' he thought as the familiar scratchy feeling in his throat signaled that this was probably more than just a hangover. Getting sick on tour was the worst thing, the show still had to go on. He normally just pumped himself up with cold medicine and alcohol, forcing himself through their forty-five-minute set. It was times like that that made him miss home, up until he left his mom would always take care of him when he was sick. She'd make him soup and bring him anything he needed, even as a teenager he cherished those moments. Without her there with him, he was left to tend to himself.

"Dude, you're burning up..." Matt said, feeling the heat radiating off the shivering singer.

So much for the whole speech he had planned, if Andy remembered anything, which Matt had his doubts about, that conversation would have to wait for a different day. The older man felt for his friend, it was obvious that Andy wasn't feeling well.

"I think I'm fucking sick..." Andy groaned, pushing himself into a sitting position, the muscles in his arms screaming in pain.

He felt dizzy and out of breath from the exertion, his vision going black for a split second. He turned his head, coughing into his arm. The muscles in his chest ached from being sick all morning, not to mention his nasal passages were already irritation from the 'party favors' he'd indulged in.

"Shit... are you going to be able to perform tonight?"  
"Not like I have much of a choice, we're the goddamn headlining band." Andy drug his hands down his face, trying to snap himself out of things.

The door to the hotel room clicked as someone pushed it open. Jake stood in the doorway to the bathroom, looking down at the pitiful singer on the floor. 

"Hey man, are you feeling any better?"  
"Nah, I think he's sick," Matt answered for Andy as the boy went into another coughing fit.

"Fuck, well I've got some cold medicine in my bunk. I'll give you some once we get everything loaded up. Speaking of which, we've got to go, John is losing his shit because we're late." Jake said, giving Andy a look of concern before grabbing his duffle bag off the bed.

Andy grimaced as he pushed himself off of the ground, unsteady on his feet at first. He felt Matt's hands reach out to help him regain his balance, guiding him into the main room. The younger man dug a hoodie out of his bag, slipping it on. He knew he probably looked like absolute shit, and he could only pray that there weren't any fans hanging around the bus who would want photos. He put a pair of sunglasses on before grabbing the cup of coffee Matt had brought him. The hot liquid felt like heaven, soothing his throat while the caffeine lessened the throbbing in his head at least enough for him to see straight.

"Here, I'll grab your bag." Matt offered, slinging it over his shoulder.

Andy mumbled a 'thanks' and followed Jake out of the room, feeling slightly bad about the mess they were leaving for the cleaning lady. Even with his glasses on, the afternoon sunlight made the singer wince as he hurried towards their bus. Instead of starting to feel better, he was only getting worse. If there was any doubt his chills were a fever, that doubt was gone now. Despite the warm weather and hoodie he was wearing, he couldn't stop shivering as he boarded the bus.

John crossed his arms, muttering a few expletives under his breath when he saw the state of the frontman. "Are you sick or hungover?"

"Both." Andy managed to say, his voice even raspier than normal.

"Jesus fucking Christ kid, we've got a sold-out show tonight."  
"I'll fucking make it, thanks for your concern though." Andy huffed, pushing past his tour manager towards the bunks.

Matt followed after him, giving John an awkward shrug. The poor guy was just trying to do his job and making sure the five of them didn't get arrested, hurt, or killed was a superhuman feat. He deserved a lot more credit than he got.

"You don't have to ride with us if you don't want to, I don't want to get you sick," Andy said, taking his glasses off and pulling a bottle of Advil out of his bag.

Matt resisted the urge to tell Andy that due to their drunken make-out session if he was going to catch whatever the singer had, that ship had already sailed. It was pretty safe to assume that Andy remembered nothing of that moment, and it was probably better that way. Matt sure as hell wasn't going to bring it up.

"I mean no offense, but my immune system is pretty good. I'm not that worried." He chuckled.

\---

The soft rumble of the bus was causing the singer to start to drift back to sleep, his body completely exhausted from the past twenty-four hours. The cold medicine Jake had given him was working enough to stop him from having coughing fits every few minutes, but he could still feel the fever raging inside his body. He'd taken up residence in the back of the bus, ignoring the protests from Ashley. He wasn't about to shove himself in that tiny ass bunk where he couldn't even stretch his legs out if he was expected to go on stage in a few hours.

Matt had brought him some crackers and water earlier, which helped settle his stomach enough for him to get a little bit more rest. He could hear his friend's voice from upfront as he laughed, vigorously debating what the best Harry Potter house was with CC.

Andy was just about to fall back asleep when he heard the door to the back open. Matt poked his head through the door, smiling softly at the younger man. Andy smiled back weakly, motioning for him to come in. Matt walked over to the bed, sitting on the edge of it.

"I didn't mean to disturb you; I was just seeing if you needed anything else." His voice was soft and warm, it never failed to put the singer's mind at ease.

"No, I'm okay... just a bit bored being back here all by myself."  
"Well, I can certainly keep you company if you'd like..." Matt answered, swinging his legs onto the bed and leaning back against the pillows.

Maybe it was just the delirium from the fever, or maybe it was the fact that it had been months since he'd felt the touch of another human (that he remembered), but Andy couldn't help but want to feel Matt's strong, tattooed arms around him. There was no way his pride would let him admit that, wanting to be held? Wanting to be cared for and loved? That was admitting weakness, he would never do that. Never let someone know he needed them, that gave them too much power.

Matt looked down at his friend, all bundled up in blankets, still shivering despite the layers. The look in Andy's eyes tugged at the strings of the older man's heart, he looked so sad and lost. He brushed the singer's hair back, watching as Andy's body seemed to relax at the simple gesture.

He wrapped an arm around the boy, pulling him into his chest. Surprisingly, Andy didn't resist, in fact, he seemed to welcome the affection. He rested his head against the guitarist's chest, listening to the steady rhythm of his heart. The muscles in his shoulders relaxed as he felt Matt's arms wrap around him. He felt safe and protected, a feeling that he thought he'd never find again. It was as strong as any drug or shot he'd taken before, and just as addictive.

Matt held Andy in his arms, wondering if at any minute the man would push him away. It wasn't fair what Andy had to go through, growing up on tour was hard. The kid was barely eighteen when he moved away from the only home he'd ever known to cut his teeth on the streets of Skid Row. Matt saw straight through the tough front that Andy projected, the one he wanted to world to believe. He saw the boy that still had growing up to do, the one who was trying so hard to impress everyone, consequences be damned.

A few minutes passed before Andy ended up falling back asleep against his chest. The site melted Matt's heart; sure, he'd always had a bit of a crush on the singer, but this seemed like more than that. He was one of the most attractive guys that Matt had ever seen, but this was a different feeling altogether. He knew the feeling, and it scared the shit out of him.

'Fuck' Matt thought, 'I'm in love'...


	6. Wild and Running

Chapter Six: Wild and Running 

Andy suffered his way through the meet and greet, trying his best to not let on to the fans that he felt like death. None of them really seemed to notice, he’d found out pretty early on that, for the most part, people see what they want to see. It didn’t take much to convince them. A little bit more concealer and foundation, a few shots of whiskey, and no one would suspect that his fever was pushing 102. 

He assured Matt that he would be fine when his friend started to suggest that maybe he should skip the show, or at least shorten their set. It was just forty minutes, he’d performed through worse. 

What started as chills had turned into him sweating profusely midway through the show. He was counting down the songs until he could go backstage and collapse on the nearest couch and try to ride this thing out. The stage lights were only making his fever more intense and all the screaming and squealing was making him feel lightheaded. There was only one song left in the set and he was home free, ‘just hold on a little bit longer’ he kept telling himself every time his vision would start to fade. 

Matt stood side stage with his arms crossed, watching as Andy drug himself through the set. He was clearly not feeling well, nowhere near as active and animated as he normally was. The cocky bravado was notably missing from the show, he wasn’t threatening to fight anyone or giving his long-winded speeches to the crowd. The fans ate it up, seemingly clueless to the fact that Andy was borderline killing himself to give them all a show. 

John had his eyes on Andy, expecting that at any moment he might pass out. Matt chewed at his lip, nervously watching as Andy seemed to forget the opening lyrics to their last song. He seemed to sway; unsteady on his feet every time he went from one side of the stage to the other. His normally powerful voice faltered on easy notes. 

Andy’s head was killing him as he bid the crowd goodnight, the nauseous feeling in his stomach getting worse from behind dehydrated. He glanced over and saw Matt standing with John in the wing. The singer forced a smile, noticing the worried look on his friend’s face. His legs felt heavy as he made his way off stage, finding it harder and harder to breathe. 

The younger man’s hand went out, trying to grab ahold of the railing before his body started to fall forward. Matt’s arms shot out protectively, barely catching Andy as he passed out, his thin frame going limp in the older man’s arms. Matt felt his heart racing as he threw Andy’s arm over his shoulder, pulling him out of the line of sight. 

“Shit- Andy, hey wakeup” he called, laying the singer down on the ground and tapping at the side of his face. 

Jinxx and CC came rushing over, the drummer handing Matt a bottle of cold water. “Fuck, what happened? Did he pass out?” Jinxx asked, looking down at his unconscious bandmate. 

“Yeah, he just like blacked out.” Matt opened the bottle, splashing some of it over Andy’s face. 

Andy coughed, rolling over on his side as he finally started to come to, water dripping from his hair. His eyes glanced around at everyone staring at him. Jinxx, CC, and John were all standing around him and Matt was crouched beside him. ‘Fuck’ he thought, knew that was going to happen. At least he didn’t pass out on stage, god knows there would be fifty different videos online the next day if he had. 

“Fuck… I’m fine, I’m fine. I just overheated, there’s no need to fucking stare at me.” Andy waved at everyone, using Matt’s hand as support to stand up. 

“Shit, you scared me Six…” Matt laughed nervously, fluffing his hair as he stood next to the singer, ready to have to catch him.

“Why is everyone so worried about me? It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve gotten sick on tour.” Andy didn’t like all the attention, it made him feel weak and exposed. 

He didn’t want everyone fussing over him and treating him like some kid who needed to be taken care of. Despite what everyone thought, he was an adult and he didn’t need them to look out for him. He had let himself have the moment on the bus with Matt, a rare instance of letting his guard down, but that was it he told himself. The last thing he wanted was to be a burden to his friend, at least that was the lie he let himself believe. 

The truth was too much for him to admit. That being in Matt’s arms had been the happiest he’d been in a very long time. That instead of wanting to be left alone, what he really wanted was for the older man to tear down his walls and make him feel again. All the confidence he faked, the ‘I’ll kick your ass if you fuck with me’ attitude, the too fast for love mentality… all of that was just a curtain he hid behind. The truth was that he never considered himself deserving of love, happiness, or even safety. ‘It’s just the fever’ he told himself, putting those wild thoughts in his head. 

Always on the fucking run. 

After showering off all the paint and sweat from the show and downing a bottle of water, Andy was finally starting to feel a bit better. The venue actually had a nice bathroom with a proper shower, a silver lining to an otherwise shitty night. The rest of his band had gone out to sign things for fans without him. He was sure they would be disappointed at his absence, but he’d given them a show. How much could they ask of him?

The singer pulled a black V-neck and skinny jeans on before walking out into the main lounge area. Matt and Craig were sitting on the couches, going over merch sales together. Andy grabbed a bottle of white wine and took a seat beside his friend, popping the cork. 

Craig’s eyes glanced over at the bottle then back up at Andy, clearly disapproving of his beverage of choice. “You feel better?” he asked. 

“A bit. I think I broke my fever on stage.” Andy replied, tipping the bottle back and letting the bittersweet liquid past his lips. 

“Here, at least have some real food. There should still be a few slices left.” Craig said, pushing a pizza box over to the younger man. 

Matt watched Andy’s reaction to free food. It didn’t take long after meeting the singer that Matt started to get the feeling that he didn’t have the best relationship with his body. It was little comments here and there that Andy would make, or how he never seemed to eat everything he’d order. He told himself he was just being hypervigilant; Andy was probably just a picky eater. But after dealing with Sonny and his struggles who could blame him, fuck, his former band even had a song about eating disorders. Matt worried about Andy; he was so thin…and he seemed to get sick so easily. Matt had brushed the same things off as ‘nothing’ with Sonny. 

Andy hesitated before opening the box and grabbing a slice of the now cold pizza. Despite being sick he was famished. The only thing he’d had so far was a few crackers, and he knew that if he wanted to feel better, he at least needed some ‘real food’ as Craig put it. He noticed Matt’s eyes on him as he tore off little pieces. He didn’t like eating in front of other people, even if it was his best friend. There was a fine balance he had to walk between keeping up appearances and doing what he felt he had to do. Don’t let them see you crack. 

“Alright, I’m going to go out to the bar with the other guys, are you coming, Matt?” Craig shuffled the papers he’d been going over as he stood up. 

“I’m good. After last night I don’t even want to be near alcohol, have fun though.” Matt smiled; he’d feel bad about leaving Andy by himself. 

Craig nodded, glancing between the two men sitting side by side and raising an eyebrow before turning and walking out of the room. Matt turned to Andy once Craig was gone, playfully poking at his arm as the singer took a proper bite of the pizza. 

“So, I didn’t get a chance to say it, but props for doing that show tonight man. I don’t know if I could pull it off in all that makeup and leather, being sick and whatnot.”   
“Thanks… yeah, it fucking blows. The stage lights were killing me. Surprised I didn’t pass out sooner.” 

There was an awkward moment of silence between the two that made Andy’s skin crawl. He tossed the pizza crust onto the box, biting at his lip ring nervously. He hadn’t said anything, but memories from the previous night were starting to become a bit clearer. Most of it was still lost to the void of binge drinking, but he did remember the feeling of Matt’s hands gripping his wrists. He remembered being underneath the guitarist, he just wasn’t sure what the context was. They had been playing around, right? Just innocent horseplay… fuck it, he had to know. 

“What happened last night?” Andy asked, breaking the silence. 

Matt’s heart skipped a beat as adrenaline shot through his veins, ‘fuck’ he thought, maybe Andy remembered more than he thought. He forced himself to maintain his composure, maybe he just genuinely wanted to know. 

“Well, you were completely wasted. You did a fuck ton of coke and-”  
“No, after the party. How did I get back to the hotel room?” Andy cut Matt off before he could elaborate any more. 

Matt’s palms were sweating now, should he just come out and say it? Better to rip the Band-Aid off now than later. It was just a kiss; Andy might not even think it was a big deal. “You walked there; I was with you.”

Andy picked up the bottle of white wine, taking another long drink, preparing himself for the worst. “… and?” 

“Fuck, fine… we were playing around or something like that. I was pretty wasted too, but I kissed you. That was all that happened, I left, and I don’t know what you did after that.” 

Andy let out a small sigh of relief. Matt had kissed him, not the other way around. That was okay, they were both drunk. He kind of knew that Matt was into more than just girls, but that’s as far as things went. He fidgeted with his fingers in his lap, there was a hint of sadness in his heart at the thought of not remembering the kiss. He pushed it down, denying it and what it meant. 

“Oh, okay… I mean that’s whatever. I’m pretty sure I’ve done way worse when I was drunk. Like that one time, I painted the walls in the motel. I thought I would never hear the end of it from John…” Andy forced a laugh, trying to lighten the mood between them. 

Matt smiled at the memory of the night Andy was referring to, mostly glad that Andy didn’t seem upset. He had to admit it was like a weight was lifted off his shoulders now that it was out there. At the same time, it was starting to get harder and harder to be around Andy after his realization earlier that morning. How long could he realistically pretend like his feelings towards the singer were just ‘friends’, that he was okay with never being anything more? That when he told Andy he loved him; he wasn’t just referring to the fact that he was his best friend… 

“I have to ask… was it at least a good kiss?” Andy teased.   
“I mean, it was alright. You tasted like fucking Seagram’s.” 

Andy rolled his eyes playfully, “You say that like it’s a bad thing.” 

\---

By the time it was bus call, Andy was feeling much better, his fever hadn’t returned after breaking on stage, thankfully. Matt had still insisted on sleeping on their bus though, laying in the back with Andy until the singer drifted off to sleep before returning to his honorary bunk. He said he just wanted to make sure he was okay after the ‘scare’ he gave him passing out. 

The younger man had to admit, he was a little disappointed when he awoke alone. Given their conversation the night before he wasn’t surprised, but Andy was going insane not knowing. He needed to know. He wasn’t questioning his sexuality, was he? It would have helped if he’d remembered the kiss, whether or not he liked it. It wasn’t like he could do it again to see, once was an accident but twice… well, not so much. 

Andy’s mind wouldn’t shut up as he showered and got ready for the interview John had lined up before their show. He just kept replaying their conversation, how there was a hint of sadness in the man’s eyes when Andy had just joked it off. How it was getting harder for the singer to deny what was becoming increasingly clear to him, that their friendship was starting to push the boundaries of something else. 

He chewed at his lip ring, watching his reflection in the bathroom mirror. What if he wanted to let those boundaries collapse? What if he wanted to give in to the part of his heart that kept getting louder and louder? The part that was screaming for love, warmth, and safety. What would that mean? 

Matt was surprisingly still asleep by the time the bus came to a stop behind the venue. Andy watched out the window as the rest of his band filed off of the bus and towards the back entrance, leaving him and Matt by themselves. For a moment he considered that Matt might actually be avoiding him, he wouldn’t do that, would he? 

‘Fuck it’ he thought, he needed to lighten the mood up. He’d spent the past hour and a half lost in his own thoughts and that was never a good thing. The singer walked up front, careful to keep his boots from clicking too loud as he passed Matt’s bunk. Grabbing a jar of peanut butter from the kitchenette upfront he dipped a spoon into it, scooping a huge glob of it out. He made his way back towards the bunks, silently pulling the current back. 

Matt was fast asleep, His dark brown hair covering his closed eyes. Andy smirked as he knelt down before suddenly flinging the peanut butter at his friend, hitting him smack in the nose.   
“What the fuck?” Matt woke up, dazed and confused as he started rubbing at his face. 

Andy bolted out of the room, pushing past John as he burst through the bus door and into the parking lot. He looked back to see Matt running after him, having realized what he’d done. 

“You motherfucker!” The older man shouted although it was clear he was holding back laughter at the childish prank. 

Before Andy could turn the corner to make it around to the front of the venue Matt caught him. The singer let out a scream as his friend wrapped his arms around his torso, pulling him back. 

“Yeah, real funny now isn’t it, Andy?” Matt pinned Andy against the brick wall, holding the singer’s wrist as Andy tried to tug them free. 

Both men broke out laughing, the guitarist letting his friend’s wrist go. “Fuck I’m out of breath now, for a chain smoker you’re kind of fast…” he chuckled. 

“Whatever, old man,” Andy teased, out of breath himself for the exertion and laughter. 

Andy had the most adorable laugh Matt had ever heard. His face lit up whenever he would laugh, genuinely laugh, not that fake shit he did so often. It was like a fucking drug to the older man, and all he wanted to do was make sure that smile never left Andy’s face. 

The younger man went quiet, the smile still spread across his painted red lips. Matt felt his heart skip a beat as he stepped closer, his fingertips brushing against Andy’s. 

Andy didn’t know how to react; he didn’t know how to go after what he knew in his heart he wanted. What he’d been trying to deny for so long, his entire life basically. That the real reason he’d only been disappointed by past flings was that he was looking in the wrong places. What he wanted was right in front of him, he was just too scared to make the leap of faith. He’d spent so much time being worried about how the world would label him, and it was costing him his happiness. Here was the most beautiful and caring man he’d ever met, ‘fuck it’ he thought. 

The younger man tilted his head to the side, closing the gap between their lips. The kiss was gentle, but it was like electricity to the singer, lighting up every nerve in his body. Matt grabbed Andy’s face, deepening the kiss as he pressed Andy up against the bricks. 

The singer’s knees felt weak and his heart was pounding so hard he was sure Matt could feel it. He surrendered himself to the feeling, moving his lips with Matt’s. The older man’s arms snaked around his waist, pulling him closer. Andy didn’t want to stop, didn’t want the feeling to end. 

“You know how long I’ve waited for you to do that?” Matt whispered against the singer’s lips, his hand cupping the side of Andy’s face. 

Andy felt his cheeks heat up, turning his head to the side and leaning into Matt’s touch. The initial shock was starting to wear off as he came back down to earth. He waited for the panic to come, the regret of his impulsive actions, but it didn’t. He looked up into the guitarist’s eyes, smiling softly. 

“I had to know what it felt like…” Andy said in a quiet voice, referring to their drunken kiss, lost to a blackout. 

Matt leaned in, kissing the blue-eyed boy again, in case Andy suddenly had a change of heart. The singer rested his head against the other man’s shoulder, the scent of Matt’s cologne calming his still racing heart. He wasn’t sure where this left them, but it was obvious that things weren’t going to go back to how they were. A yearlong game of cat and mouse, pretending that they didn’t both secretly want to end up here. 

“Can we stay just like this?” Andy whispered, not wanting to leave the comfort of Matt’s arms even though he could hear John yelling for him just around the corner. 

“As much as I’d like to… John kind of scares me.” Matt laughed, letting the singer go as his tour manager rounded the corner. 

Matt turned out of view of John, wiping the red lipstick from his lips. He was pretty sure the blonde-haired man knew though; Andy’s lipstick was smeared, and he still had that adorable grin on his face. 

“Hey, John.” Matt waved, trying to hold back laughter at the man’s stone cold and clearly not amused face. 

“Andy get to your interview, you just lost me $100.”   
Andy’s eyes went wide, “You took bets on us?”  
“Of course, I did, and now I own his manager,” John pointed to Matt, “A hundred bucks.” 

Matt doubled over in laughter, so much for being subtle. Andy looked mildly horrified at having been found out, fussing at John for ‘invasion of privacy’ as the man grabbed his arm and started pulling him towards the venue.


	7. I Think I'm Losing, I Think I'm Lost

Chapter Seven: I Think I’m Losing, I Think I’m Lost 

Andy bounced his leg up and down nervously, having already picked off the black paint from his nails. D.R.U.G.S was on stage currently, the screaming and guitars echoing through the venue to the green room. They had about twenty more minutes before it was their turn as the final band of the night. The singer could hardly think about the show, not even confident he knew the name of the city they were in. 

John knew, and not only did he know but he was making fucking bets with Matt’s manager. How long before the bands found out, then the fans, then everyone else? Why did he even care so much? It felt like things were happening so fast, even though all that had happened was a kiss outside the venue. Were they dating, was that what Matt wanted? Or were they just friends with benefits now? What if they were dating and things didn’t end well, that would mean he’d lose his one and only best friend. The thoughts kept swirling around in his head, pushing him closer and closer to the edge of insanity. 

“Stop tapping your foot!” Ashley suddenly blurted out, glaring at the younger man. 

Andy jumped at the outburst; he didn’t even realize it was making any noise. He shot a glare back at the bassist before grabbing the open bottle of whiskey from the table and downing a little over a shot’s worth. 

“You okay Andy? You haven’t suddenly developed stage fright or something have you?” Jake asked, noticing the singer’s nervousness. 

“No… just don’t like waiting to go on.” He switched from tapping his foot to biting at his lip ring.

Andy’s anxiety was starting to reach a fever pitch inside his chest, his brain wouldn’t stop going over worst-case scenarios. He didn’t trust himself not to fuck things up, that’s all he seemed to be able to do. Anytime something good came into his life he found a way to sabotage it. Plus, this was all new to him. He barely knew how to be with a woman, let alone another guy. After years of being called names, of having people assume things about him because of his feminine looks, what would they say now? 

The singer pulled out his pack of cigarettes, lighting one up despite the ‘no smoking’ signs clearly posted throughout the venue. The nicotine did little to calm his nerves, it was more so just something to do. Jake and Jinxx were too busy tuning their guitars to notice, not that all of them weren’t desensitized to the smell of booze and cigarettes by now. 

“You do realize that smoking is the most unattractive thing, right?” Ashley sneered, clearly on a roll to annoy the younger man. 

“Funny, explain to me why I’m the frontman and not you then?” Andy shot back. 

Ash opened his mouth to say something else, but CC elbowed him in the ribs before he could. Andy didn’t need anyone to test him tonight, not his own bandmates or anyone in the crowd who was feeling equally as bold. 

He heard the crowd give a final cheer as Craig said goodnight, the house music switching on to signal intermission. Andy stood up, downing the remaining whiskey in one drink before slamming the bottle back onto the table. He should feel that by the end of the first song. 

Andy could hear the voices of Matt and his bandmates approaching as they made their way backstage. His heart skipped a beat as he listened, hearing Matt laughing and joking around. Like nothing had happened earlier, like the very ground he was standing on was threatening to cave in and swallow him whole. He seemed happy, content, at peace. 

The singer brushed past Matt as he and the band made the move to line up by the curtains. The guitarist stopped in his tracks, telling the others to go on before turning and heading back towards the stage to catch up with Andy. 

Matt was used to Andy’s mood swings, it kind of came with the territory of being his friend, but the kid seemed fine an hour ago. He wasn’t having second thoughts, was he? This was the very thing the older man was worried about; Andy had the worst tendency to overthink things. Making the smallest things out to be the end of the world, ‘goddamn it’ Matt thought. 

“Yo, Andy… you good?” he asked, catching up to the leather-clad man. 

He could smell the alcohol on him before Andy even opened his mouth to reply. John’s eyes were on the two of them, giving Matt a clear ‘this isn’t going to be a problem, is it?’ look. He was planning on talking to Andy after the show, about things since they didn’t get a chance to before. But Andy had apparently decided to try and drown whatever was going on inside his head out with booze, so the likelihood of any meaningful conversation was low. 

“I’m fine,” Andy said in a stone-cold voice.   
“Andy… fuck, listen after the show let’s talk, alright?” 

“Is that supposed to make me feel better? ‘Let’s talk’?” Andy raised an eyebrow, taking one last hit of his cigarette before handing it to Matt and turning to walk on stage. 

The roar of the crowd was deafening as Andy leaned over them, baring his teeth and smirking at them. Matt sighed and flicked the cigarette into the trashcan next to him; great his fucking walls were back up. 

The guitarist stayed in the wings, noticing how by the third song Andy was pretty drunk. He was just about to head back to shower off when he heard it. Some guy from the crowd, he couldn’t understand everything the guy was yelling but heard one word loud and clear, ‘faggot’. 

Matt spun around, praying that the singer hadn’t heard it. Andy’s eyes were set on the man, his fist clenched tightly. 

“Stop, stop, stop, stop playing,” Andy motioned to his band, the music coming to an abrupt halt. 

“What the fuck did you just call me?” Andy knelt down at the end of the stage as the man, clearly drunk himself, yelled more profanities and slurs at the singer. 

“Call me a faggot again and I’ll kick your fucking ass I swear to god, motherfucker.” Andy’s voice was laced with rage and Matt fully believed that he would jump into the crowd. 

Security was already on the guy, grabbing his arm and tugging him towards the exit. Andy had grabbed a bottle of water, flinging it at the guy as he fought against security. “Suck my fucking dick you fucking piece of shit” 

The crowd started chanting Andy’s name which only added fuel to the fire. “You know what, fuck this” 

Andy jumped into the crowd, only making it a couple of feet before the swarms of fans blocked his path. Security had already dragged the object of his rage outside, now turning their attention to Andy. 

“No, fucking let me at him-” Andy demanded as two men in yellow shirts picked him up without any effort, basically throwing the singer back up on stage. 

He scrambled to his feet, adjusting his leather vest as his heart pounded wildly in his chest. His blood was boiling under his skin as all he could think of was finding that guy and beating the absolute shit out of him. 

“If any of you other tough motherfuckers out there have something to say, come on up.” He spoke into the microphone, scanning the crowd to see if anyone stepped forward. 

No one did, the crowd just cheered and chanted, clearly loving the aggressive display. Andy could tell that the rest of the band was getting impatient, none of them liked his detours to go off on people. He wasn’t just going to stand there and let some drunk guy call him a faggot, he wasn’t in middle school anymore. He’d fucking fight any of them. 

The band ended up having to cut their setlist two songs short thanks to Andy’s outburst, but he was still too keyed up to even care. The singer stormed backstage, ignoring John who was calling after him. 

“I’ll calm him down, don’t worry about it,” Matt said to the flustered manager, running after his friend. 

“Andy, hey, hey, come on let’s go outside…” the older man tried to reason, the adrenaline still pumping through the singer’s veins as he tried to push Matt away. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Ashley yelled from behind them as he shoved his bass into one of the tech’s hands. 

“Shut the fuck up Ash!” Andy growled, turning around and standing his ground. 

“Holy fuck, you’re so sensitive. We just had to cut our set short because of your fucking temper tantrum” Ash yelled, stepping closer to the ticking timebomb. 

Matt looked between the two of them, ready to have to step in if need be.   
“Why do you care? Not like you actually play anyways!” Andy struck a nerve with his comment. 

“You get so upset, is it because it’s true? Is that it Six?” Ashley smirked, crossing his arms. 

“Fuck- Andy don’t” Matt barely reacted in time as Andy lunged at the bassist, ready to nail him square in the jaw. 

“Let me fucking go!” Andy yelled as Matt wrapped his arms around the singer’s waist, picking him up off the ground as the kid tried to swing at the other man. 

Jinxx and Jake stepped in to grab Ashley, pulling him into the green room as Matt carried Andy outside. The kid was on the verge of hysteria, screaming and cussing so loud it was making the guitarist’s ears ring. 

Matt pinned the singer up against the brick wall, for the second time, grabbing Andy’s shoulders when he tried to break away. “Hey, fucking calm down” 

“Fuck you, get off me!”   
“No! You need to chill the fuck out and shut the fuck up. You’re acting like a fucking child right now.” Matt snapped, digging his fingers into Andy’s skin. 

“Matt, he can’t talk to me like that!”   
“And what? Beating the shit out of each other is going to make things better? Do you want to be arrested tonight?” Matt was worried about Andy, normally he calmed down after a few minutes but there seemed to be no end to his rage. 

“You don’t understand!” Andy was shaking now, a wild look in his eyes as he started to feel short of breath. 

“Yes, I do, but you need to calm down before you get in trouble. Andy, please…” Matt let go of the younger man once he stopped fighting him. 

Andy slid down against the wall to the ground, his hand trembling as he struggled to keep it together. His heart wouldn’t stop racing and his chest felt tight like he was going to die. Tears threatened to fall as he desperately fought to keep control. 

Matt knelt down beside the shaking singer, pulling him into an embrace. Andy latched onto him, burying his face in the older man’s neck. He was kind of surprised when Andy broke down in tears, a rare moment of human emotion. 

“It’s okay…” Matt tried to soothe him, stroking his hair gently. 

Andy couldn’t hold back anymore, all the stress and anxiety hitting him at once. The pressure to be perfect, to maintain appearances, never being allowed to show emotions, it was killing him. He cried into Matt’s shoulder until he couldn’t anymore, his body giving up from exhaustion. 

“Come on, let’s go on the bus so you can lay down,” Matt whispered, helping the singer to his feet. 

Andy nodded, wiping the last of the tears from his cheeks, no doubt smearing his makeup even more. He kept his gaze on the ground, as his breathing started to even back out. Matt led him into the back of the bus, which had become Andy’s default room essentially. 

“Why don’t you go shower off and then we can do whatever you want, okay?” Matt suggested, honestly just needing a moment of silence to figure out what the fuck was even going on.   
“Yeah, okay…” Andy agreed, grabbing his towel from the floor and heading back out into the main area of the bus. 

Matt leaned back against the bed, covering his face with his hands once he heard the water start in the bathroom. ‘Jesus fucking Christ’ he thought to himself, what was he getting himself into? Andy was more volatile than a gasoline canister, just always ready to go off at even the slightest thing. 

The guitarist just laid there, contemplating if he really wanted to go down this rabbit hole with Andy. He was sure of his feelings for the other man, but just being friends with Andy was pretty exhausting at times, possibly dating him though? That was a lot to sign up for. If that was even what Andy wanted, they hadn’t even broached that situation yet. 

A few minutes later the door opened again as Andy slipped back inside. He was dressed in a black hoodie and sweatpants, his face and hair now clean. Matt scooted over, making room for Andy.   
Andy laid down next to Matt, his crystal blue eyes were still slightly bloodshot. The singer let out a shaky breath, it was clear to Matt that a lot was going through his mind. The outburst tonight, almost getting into a fight with his own bandmate, him breaking down in tears, it was all just a symptom of something bigger. He wished that Andy would speak to him, let him at least try and be there.

“Why does it upset you so much? What people call you that?” Matt asked, knowing he was risking setting the boy off again. 

Andy swallowed hard, his brows furrowing as he thought about the answer. “I used to get called that all the time, kids would write shit on my locker… all because I looked different.” 

“Who cares about them, look where you’re at now,” Matt responded, knowing that Andy was still holding back from being completely truthful. 

“I know… but… but what if-” Andy stopped himself from finishing the sentence. 

“But what if what? Do you mean what if it’s true? Is that why you gave me the cold shoulder before the show?”   
“No, I didn’t.” Andy stammered. 

“Yeah, you did. Look, if you’re not into that it’s fine. I hope you don’t feel like you have to do anything to make me happy…” Matt looked Andy’s face over for a reaction to what he was saying, it pained him to have to act completely nonchalant. 

The truth was that Andy’s indecisiveness was killing him. Matt was still struggling to come to terms with the fact that there probably wasn’t any going back from where they were at. He’d spent the whole night mulling over whether it was even worth it. He’d never fallen for someone so fast before. Even now, as he placed his heart in Andy’s hands to break, he was completely head over heels in love with him. Did Andy even realize that? 

“But Andy, I won’t do this back and forth with you. You kissed me today, then you don’t even speak to me backstage. And at the hotel that night…” Matt hesitated, before deciding to just tell Andy the full story, “I told you that I kissed you, but the part I left out was you practically asking me to fuck you.” 

Andy felt his heart drop in his chest, he’d convinced himself that he had gotten things with Roxy and Matt mixed up. That all it had been was a kiss. 

“And what? You said no?” Andy asked.   
“Of course, I did, you were completely blackout drunk. But apparently you just found some chick to fuck instead.” Matt shook his head, not even trying to hide his annoyance. 

“I didn’t fuck her… I couldn’t…”   
“Yeah, like I said. Blackout.” Matt replied, his gaze fixed on the door. 

Andy frowned, feeling his heart starting to break at the thought of being in a fight with Matt. Was that what this was? Andy couldn’t imagine his life without the other man in it. Why couldn’t he just be honest with him? Why couldn’t he tell Matt that their kiss had made him feel more than any of the drugs or alcohol ever had? Was he in love with Matt? 

“Did you want to?” Andy asked, his voice barely above a whisper. 

“Did I want to what? Fuck you? Yeah…” Matt looked over at the singer. 

“Look… I think it’s obvious how I feel about you. I just need to know if you feel the same or not.” The older man sighed; he just needed an answer. 

Andy stayed silent, chewing at his lip ring. His mind was screaming at him to say yes, but his lips wouldn’t work. He was holding himself back, letting his own fear and self-doubt once again ruin things for him. Matt deserved better than someone who couldn’t even say how the really felt, who wasn’t afraid to say the truth. 

“I-I don’t know…” Andy kicked himself the second he spoke, watching as Matt’s face fell and he looked away, nodding. 

“Fair enough, I think I’m just going to sleep on my own bus tonight.” The guitarist said, standing up. If Andy wanted to play games, he could play them alone. 

“Matt, wait-” Andy grabbed the older man’s arm, not wanting him to leave. If only he could make his stupid brain work right, if he could just swallow his pride, maybe he could be happy. 

“No, Andy. Whatever you’re going to say, just save it.” Matt pulled his hand away, not even bothering to look back at the singer as he let the door shut behind him.


	8. Waltz Moore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning parts of this chapter could be triggering for those suffering from an eating disorder.

Chapter Eight: Waltz Moore

Andy ended up crying himself to sleep, his bottle of whiskey almost empty. The tears falling silently onto his pillow, not wanting anyone to hear him. He kept checking his phone, waiting for a text from Matt, something to fill the hole that had opened up in his heart from the man’s absence. He didn’t blame him for walking away, Andy knew that he made it almost impossible for anyone to be around him. 

Matt was too good for him; he would just bring him down. Andy knew he was heading towards rock bottom; he just didn’t know when he’d hit the ground. When would his fall from grace come, when the whole world would see that he was nothing but a shell of a person? Too concerned with what others thought of him to actually live. 

The drinking made him forget the reality of what he didn’t want to face. That he didn’t like women, that he never had, and he’d known that since Catholic school. That he was destroying his body every day by eating like shit, binge drinking, getting high, and hardly sleeping. So many people who claimed to love him didn’t even know him and the one person who probably did love him, he’d pushed away. None of that he could handle sober, that was the worst thing in the world to be. 

That’s why when he woke up at ten A.M. the next morning, he went straight to the liquor cabinet to grab a bottle of wine. Jake had attempted to say something about it being too early, but he shut up when Andy shot him a warning glare. The singer’s bloodshot eyes clearly showing that he was going through something. 

The buses had all stopped at some cheap diner for lunch, by which time Andy was already pretty wasted. John had taken the wine bottle from him, insisting that he couldn’t bring it in. Killjoy. 

Andy had to make do with a diet soda, pretending to give a shit as he flipped through the dessert menu. The rest of his band seemed upbeat and energetic, all joking around and laughing with each other. Well, everyone but Ashley, he was still asleep on the bus. That was the only reason Andy had even decided to come in with everyone else; he was still fuming about what the bassist said the night before. 

“Hey Six, you alright?” CC asked before taking another bite of his burger. 

“I’m fine, I’m just exhausted.” It wasn’t really a lie; he’d barely slept and any sleep he did manage was plagued with nightmares. 

“That’s life on the road, baby” The drummer laughed, trying to lighten the mood. 

Andy just shrugged, looking down at the plate of greasy food he’d ordered. He could hear Matt talking a few tables away, he didn’t sound like his normal goofy self. He was talking with the rest of his band, discussing some guitar riff for a new song they were writing. His voice sounded worn out and tired like he hadn’t slept much either. That only made Andy feel worse, no doubt he was the reason why. 

The singer took a bite of his french-fries, the mediocre food tasting delightful due to his intoxication. He tried to focus on the story Jake was telling, his focus fading in and out. Before he knew it, he’d eaten almost everything, only the crust of his grilled cheese left. His stomach felt uncomfortably full, the wine not sitting well with everything else. ‘Great’ he thought, now he’d be bloated during the show. 

He used to eat shit like that all the time when he was younger, he had very picky diet. If it wasn’t greasy or junk food, he didn’t want it. That would probably explain why he got teased for his weight. Life on the road meant essentially the same diet, only now he had to worry about fitting into his impossibly tight leather leggings every night. ‘Should have just stayed outside and smoked’ he thought to himself. 

“You know what Matt here needs, strippers. What do you say, man, after the show tonight? Strip club?” Andy picked up the voice of Adam, Matt’s bass player. 

Andy glanced over his shoulder; Matt laughed, it sounded forced, but he said something that sounded like ‘why not’ in reply. Andy knew he had no right to be upset, if anything it was Matt that had a right to be upset with him. Regardless, the singer still felt his heart in his throat. 

“I’ll be right back,” Andy mumbled, getting up from his seat and keeping his eyes on his boots as he made his way towards the bathrooms in the back of the restaurant. 

He was thankful to find the only stall in the small bathroom empty, shutting the door and locking it behind him. He leaned against the tiled wall, looking up at the dusty ceiling. Tears threatened to fall as he tried to blink them away, why did he even bother coming in? It killed him to know that his friendship with Matt was probably over, and anything else they might have been was dead on arrival. All because he was a coward. 

Fuck love, fuck feelings and fuck caring, Andy thought. He’d tried to keep himself from falling for anyone, never let anyone in close. Never let anyone get to know the real you, keep them at a distance so your heart doesn’t get broken. He’d broken his own rules, and now he was trying to hold back tears in some shithole restaurant off some highway in god knows where USA. 

It was all so overwhelming, this tour was supposed to be fun, he was supposed to spend it with his best friend. Now it just felt like torture, having to see Matt every day and wondering what could have been. He had to get the feelings out, he couldn’t take it anymore. 

The singer glanced over at the toilet, the nauseous feeling in his stomach hadn’t gone away if anything it had only gotten worse. ‘Fuck it’ he thought, he shouldn’t have eaten so much anyways. Shouldn’t have gotten wine drunk before noon or drank an entire bottle of whiskey the night before… so why did it even matter? 

Anyone could tell by looking at the way he was living that he didn’t give a shit about his health or longevity. All he had were his toxic coping mechanisms; whatever he had to do to stop the pain. 

Andy knelt down in front of the toilet, listening to hear if anyone else had come in before taking a deep breath and pushing two fingers past his lips. He coughed as he hit the back of his throat, kicking in his gag reflex. It took a few times, but he finally succeeded in making himself get sick. The rush of adrenaline he got, and the momentary suspension of pain kept him from stopping as he repeated the process. 

It wasn’t that he liked making himself throw up, he never had. But desperate men do desperate things, and it gave him a sick sense of control over his otherwise chaotic life. It wasn’t an everyday thing, it wasn’t a problem, he had control. He wondered if he’d ever get tired of feeding himself lies. 

Matt pushed the men’s door open, walking over to one of the urinals before stopping, noticing a pair of black cowboy boots in the stall beside him. He heard Andy cough before throwing up. Matt crossed his arms, leaning against the wall, he didn’t know what he was waiting for. Andy was probably just hungover… again. But something told the older man he was fooling himself, the singer seemed just fine earlier. 

He heard the toilet flush and watched as Andy emerged a few minutes later. He jumped when he saw Matt, his eyes going wide like a kid that had been caught with their hand in the candy jar. Matt’s heart sank in his chest at what the guilty look in his eyes meant. 

Andy’s blood ran cold as he stared at Matt, his heart racing. He hadn’t even heard anyone come in. The younger man turned to the sink, washing his hands off, the knuckles of his right hand slightly red from scraping against his teeth. 

“What?” Andy asked, feeling Matt’s glare on him, his voice ragged.  
“I don’t know Andy; you tell me what.” 

Andy dried his hands off before taking a pack of gum out of his back pocket and popping a piece in his mouth. “I wasn’t feeling well.” 

“Really, because you seemed to be feeling just fine a few minutes ago when you were actually eating for once.” Matt snapped, admittedly still feeling hurt from the night before. 

He hadn’t slept hardly at all, tossing and turning all night and even shedding a few tears over the man that stood in front of him. Watching Andy self-destruct killed him. 

“Shut up, Matt.”  
“You know I watched Sonny do the same shit, ended up almost ruining his fucking voice.” Matt shook his head, although there was a hint of concern to his tone.

Sonny Moore. The singer of Matt’s last band. Andy knew about him; Matt had mentioned it before. That Sonny has some issues, bulimia being one of them. Andy didn’t consider himself that, but then again, he didn’t consider himself an alcoholic either. 

“Well, I’m not Sonny. What was he, just another guy you wanted, but couldn’t save?” Andy replied, just wanting to get back to the bottle of wine on his bus. 

“Right… you prefer to just chain-smoke and binge drink instead of eating. You know you make it so obvious Andy. Everyone knows.” 

“You don’t know a goddamn thing about me. And neither does everyone else,” Andy growled, Matt’s comment getting under his skin. 

“Well, maybe I would know more if you ever quit the fucking act.” Matt was over the situation, if Andy wanted to be miserable and push anyone who tried to help him away then so be it. 

The guitarist turned and walked away, leaving the singer by himself.  
\--- 

The show was absolute shit, and this time the crowd seemed to notice. Andy barely remembered the words, fucking up more than a couple of songs. His voice sounded like shit and he lacked any emotion and energy on stage. He was too drunk to care when John tried to talk with him afterward, saying something about him needing to get himself under control.

He didn’t care if he crashed and burned, nothing fucking mattered. He was just some delusional kid from Ohio who thought he could run away from his problems. That’s what everyone told him, and he was starting to believe it. 

Andy walked into the dressing room, not even looking in Matt’s direction as he headed straight for the whiskey on the counter. He wanted to be blacked out already, forget everything at least for the night. 

Matt watched as Andy grabbed a bottle of Jack and turned on his heels, leaving as quickly as he entered. He hadn’t bothered to watch Black Veil’s set, but from what he heard from John it was pretty bad. It bothered the older man to hear what everyone was saying about Andy. They all blamed him for making their jobs harder or for fucking up, but it didn’t seem like they gave a shit when the kid was basically crying out for help. As long as he could perform, who cared if he drank himself to sleep every night? 

The guitarist had been feeling guilty all day, he shouldn’t have acted the way he did back at the diner. He chose to be petty instead of making sure Andy was alright. Matt was hurt, but that wasn’t an excuse. There was a part of him that regretted walking out on Andy the previous night instead of hearing what he had to say. It was just that he knew the conversation was probably a dead end. Until the singer decided to actually let him in, it was useless. Andy would always be a pawn in his own game. 

“You ready for this strip club?” Adam asked, looking up from his phone.  
“Oh shit… yeah, um where did you say it was?” 

“It’s no more than a couple of minutes down the road. We can walk there no problem.” The bassist replied. 

Matt thought it over for a moment, getting drunk and blowing hundreds of dollars on strippers he’d never see again was tempting. He knew if he went, he’d just be thinking of him the whole time though.  
“You guys go ahead; I’ll meet you there. I got to take care of something first.” 

“Is this something six-two and moodier than my girlfriend on her period?” Craig laughed, slapping Matt on the back.  
“I just said something kind of fucked up earlier, I just need to make it right first.” Matt said, standing up and giving the guys a wave before going to search for his ‘friend’.  
Matt found Andy down one of the back allies near the venue. It was conveniently blocked off by the buses and out of sight of the fans leaving the show. He was sat on the curb, having already put a dent in the bottle of liquor. A lit cigarette in one hand, whiskey in the other. 

“Hey…” the older man said, clearing his throat as he came to a stop in front of the singer. 

Andy looked up; his eyes cold. “Here to criticize me some more?” 

“No… fuck, Andy, I’m sorry about earlier today… I really am.”  
“Thanks.” Andy tipped the bottle of whiskey back, taking another drink. 

Matt just looked down at the boy, unsure of what to say. Just days earlier they were joking around and having fun, two best friends living the life of rock stars. Now it felt like they were worlds apart. 

“Don’t you have strippers to fuck?” Andy sneered, pressing the cigarette to his lips and inhaling the poison. 

“Is this how we’re going to be? Andy… just talk to me, please.” Matt sighed, sitting down on the curb beside the singer. 

“What is there to talk about Matt? You hate me now, so nothing I say matters.”  
“I don’t hate you… I just don’t understand you.” Matt admitted, pushing his hair back. 

“You’re self-destructing, Andy… don’t you see that?” The older man whispered, trying to keep from getting overly emotional as he watched Andy put his cigarette out. 

Andy stood up, leaving the half-empty bottle of whiskey on the curb, he just wanted to go to bed. If Matt wanted to have a heart to heart with him, he was going to be disappointed. If this was some type of intervention he could fuck off. Leave the hopeless behind, Matt. 

“That’s it? You’re just going to walk away? What the fuck, Andy, I came here to talk shit out with you like an adult. Can you at least be fucking man enough to look at me?” Matt raised his voice as Andy started to walk back towards the buses. 

Matt was over the stone-cold act that Andy was doing. He refused to believe that the singer felt nothing, that all of his problems could be solved if he just had enough whiskey. The guitarist stood up, waiting for Andy’s response as the boy stood still, back facing him. 

“Drop the act, I’m begging you. I know you have a heart, Andy… even if you don’t feel the same way, you were still my best friend… that has to mean something.” Andy could hear the pain in Matt’s voice. 

Were. You were my best friend. That single word shattered every wall the singer had built up around him. The numbing effects of the liquor seemed to vanish as his chest tightened, his heart feeling like it was physically breaking in two.  
“Mean something? Matt, it’s fucking killing me! The thought of you not being in my life anymore? It’s all I can think about!” Andy broke, turning around as tears fell freely down his painted cheeks. 

Matt’s eyes went wide at the sudden show of emotions, the look in the singer’s eyes was one of pure agony. The way his bottom lip quivered as he seemed to struggle to breathe, it was torture. 

“I’m right here… I haven’t left.” Matt spoke softly, not sure if he should try and console the man in front of him or just let him speak. 

“You haven’t left yet! Everyone always leaves me, uses me, fucking abandons me… fuck… I can’t trust anyone” Andy gasped, clutching at the rosary beads around his neck as he looked away. 

“Andy, you don’t let anyone in…”  
“It’s safer that way…” the younger man choked out. 

Matt stayed silent, helpless to do anything but watch the man he loved break down in front of him. “Isn’t that lonely? Andy, that’s no way to live…” 

“I’m scared, Matt…”  
“Scared of what?”  
“Of this feeling…” Andy admitted, his voice barely audible. 

The older man stepped forward, unable to take the distance between them any longer. He grabbed Andy’s shoulders, his hands wrapped almost completely around them. Baby blue eyes looked up at him. “What feeling?”

“I-I think I’m falling in love with you… and that scares me to death.” Andy couldn’t believe the words actually left his lips, the truth finally coming out. 

Matt pulled Andy in close, wrapping his arms around the shaking singer. “Then let’s be scared together…” 

Andy looked up, his heart skipping a beat as Matt pressed their lips together. His brain was screaming at him that he was setting himself up to be hurt, allowing someone access. But his heart was crying out for this, the happiness and spark it brought, and it was winning out. If he was going to go down in flames, falling in love with his best friend was the way he wanted to go.


	9. Rebel Love Song

Chapter Nine: Rebel Love Song

Matt dug his thumbs into Andy’s hips as the singer rolled them into his. Andy’s lips tasted like vodka-red bull as the older man captured them once again, continuing their heated make-out session. He could feel the front of his skinny jeans getting tighter as his hands slipped down to Andy’s ass, the skintight leggings he wore could easily be ripped off. Matt cursed himself for letting the drunken mess in his lap get him worked up, he was going on in less than ten minutes. It was one of the crew member’s birthdays, so everyone had indulged probably a little bit too much considering they still had a show to do. Vodka, it seemed made Andy a little handsy. 

While everyone was distracted, Andy had found a small dressing room that no one was using, pulling Matt into it for a little pre-show fun. The older man wasn’t complaining, although his manager was probably losing his mind looking for him. 

The past two days had been the best of the tour. Andy actually seemed happy, laughing and smiling had replaced his normal sulking. It was like things were when they first became friends, only much more physical contact. The two had spent almost every waking moment together, riding the honeymoon phase of their new relationship for as long as they could. It was a welcome change from how things had been; enjoy the good while it lasted. 

Andy had cut back a bit on the drinking, not by too much, but he hadn’t been blackout. He didn’t need to, the high of finally taking what he wanted was better than any drug or drink out there. After so many disappointing relationships and hookups, he finally understood what people meant when they said they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. 

“Fuck, Andy- you’re not playing fair” Matt groaned as the singer kissed down his jaw, leaving red lip prints all over it. 

“Then tell me to stop.” The younger man purred, a shiver going down his spine as Matt squeezed his ass. 

They hadn’t gone any farther than kissing, at least not yet. Matt didn’t want to rush things; besides he’d prefer Andy to be at least semi-sober if and when they did take things farther. What fun would it be if he didn’t remember it the next morning? But fuck, Andy was making things incredibly difficult. Matt swore the singer had been playing it up on stage the past two shows. His eyes always wondering over to where Matt was standing, winking and smirking at him throughout the set. Only to come backstage and play innocent when Matt asked him what it was all about. 

“You know I’m a weak man.” Matt chuckled, looking up at the beautiful boy in his lap. 

Andy’s long black hair fell down in waves around his perfectly angular face, and his bright red lipstick was almost completely wrecked. He had the most amazing body Matt had ever seen, but it was the way those crystal blue eyes looked at him that made him melt. He wondered if Andy knew that he had him in the palm of his hand. 

“Are you going to watch me tonight?” Andy asked, smirking. 

“By watch, you do you mean stand there like an idiot while you torture me?” Matt replied, stroking the top of Andy’s thigh. 

“Not my fault you won’t do something about it.” Andy teased, biting back a moan as the older man’s hand brushed against his inner thigh. 

“Oh, I won’t? You sure about that?” Matt raised an eyebrow; Andy was playing with fire.

“Nope don’t think you will.”   
“Go ahead, fuck around on stage tonight and find out.” The guitarist ran his fingertips up Andy’s thigh and over the bulge in his leggings, watching in amusement as the singer’s hips buckled and he let out a soft moan. 

Someone pounding at the door caused Andy to jump, quickly getting up and readjusting the belts around his waist. Matt groaned, his dick aching as his manager shouted from the other side of the door that he had two minutes to get his ass on stage. 

“Fuck, I’ll be there in a second.” He called back, standing up and trying his best to wipe the red kiss marks off his jaw and neck. 

Andy laid back on the couch once Matt took off, leaving him by himself. The alcohol coursing through his veins was making him feel adventurous, and it had been so long since he’d gotten laid. The only thing that was stopping him was the novelty of it, he’d never been with a guy before, and he wasn’t quite sure how. Matt said he had before, he could always just let him take the lead. He didn’t want to admit it, but he was kind of nervous. 

What if he did something wrong, or if he didn’t like it? What if it hurt? At the same time, he wanted to be with the other man. Whenever they would kiss, he just wanted to rip Matt’s clothes off. Another thing was that whenever he’d been with women, they had always wanted him to take control and dominate them. Andy guessed it was because of his persona, the big bad rockstar, and all. He’d played along with them, but if he’d been honest with them about what actually got him off, he doubted they would do the same. Another man though… to take control, that might work. 

\---  
Andy called Matt’s bluff about ‘fucking around’ on stage. In fact, he’d made a point to give the crowd quite the show. He knew exactly what he was doing, and Matt couldn’t get enough of it. The way Andy moved on stage; it was mesmerizing. He was starting to get the sense that the singer wanted to be chased, that he enjoyed teasing the older man. If that was the case, Matt was more than willing to do so. 

Matt watched as Andy did a round of shots with his band, chasing the liquor with a diet coke. He looked like he was enjoying himself, which the guitarist guessed was a better reason for him to be drinking as opposed to trying to drown out his demons. His thin hips moved to the beat of the KISS song that was blasting through the greenroom speakers. The older man took another sip of his beer, trying to remind himself of the other people in the room. 

“He sure seems to be in a better mood lately,” Craig commented, plopping down on the couch next to his bandmate. 

“Yeah?” Matt played dumb. 

“Wouldn’t have anything to do with that red lipstick you had on your neck tonight, would it?” Craig had clearly put two and two together, although anyone with half a brain would have figured it out by now. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Matt chuckled, smiling at the blonde-haired man. 

“I mean, it’s not my thing, but I don’t blame you, man. He’s fucking attractive, that’s for sure.”  
Matt laughed at Craig’s compliment, “Yeah… he is.” 

Andy walked over to where the guitarist was sitting, noticing how Craig quickly ended the conversation they were having. He patted Matt’s shoulder saying that he was going to go look for Adam. Andy was pretty sure he had caught on, and normally he would freak out about that. The thought that Craig might know something was up would eat at him, but he was on a mission tonight. The only thought on his mind was how incredibly hot Matt looked and how he was growing bored of the party going on around him. He wanted something more exciting. 

“Come outside and have a cigarette with me.” Andy offered, holding a pack of Marlboro Reds up. 

“I guess I could go for a smoke break.” Matt’s lips twisted up ever so slightly in a way that made Andy’s heart skip a beat. 

The cool night air felt good on the singer’s hot skin, the noise of the party fading away as the pair walked side by side around the parking lot. A cloud of smoke trailed behind them as they stayed mostly silent, enjoying each other’s company. The younger man’s stomach was doing flips as he tried to play it cool and calm. 

Matt leaned against the brick wall of the venue, looking the man in front of him up and down. Andy was shirtless underneath his studded leather jacket, his chest rising and falling with each breath he took. One leg crossed over the other as he stood there, full lips around a cigarette. 

“Quite the show tonight,” Matt said, breaking the silence. 

“I’m glad you liked it.” Andy’s voice was deep and sultry as he took a step towards the other man.   
Matt reached out, snaking a hand around Andy’s waist and pulling him close. “I have to admit though, I think I might have enjoyed the pre-show a bit more.” 

Andy bit at his lower lip as Matt’s thumb traced over his hip bone, pressing in ever so slightly. The singer let out a gasp. God, he was so desperate to be touched that it wasn’t even funny. As much as he teased Matt, the older man teased him back. 

“Sensitive?” Matt asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“Fuck you.” Andy chuckled, leaning in and kissing the other man, unable to take the tension between them any longer. 

Matt slid his hands up the younger man’s torso, feeling the contours of Andy’s waist beneath his fingertips. It took every bit of restraint in the older man to keep from ripping the singer’s clothes off right there. The guitarist’s fingertips brushed all the way up Andy’s chest before wrapping around his throat. The sensation sent shock waves through the boy as Matt tightened his grip, pressing the younger man against the wall. 

Matt broke the kiss, his eyes taking in the beautiful sight in front of him. His fingers wrapped around Andy’s pale neck. 

“You drive me fucking insane, do you know that?” the guitarist asked.   
“As I said, do something about it.” Andy dared. 

Andy fell back against the mattress, the door to the back of the bus slamming shut. His jacket was already on the ground, Matt had ripped it off the second they passed through the threshold. He leaned his head back, letting his eyes slip shut as Matt placed kisses over his exposed chest. The singer could barely think straight, overcome with desire. 

It couldn’t compare to any of the other times he’d found himself in this situation, there was actually want this time. No faking it, or hoping that it would be over soon, no closing his eyes and pretending it was someone else. 

“I want to make you feel good” Matt whispered in the younger man’s ear, hooking a finger in the waistband of Andy’s leggings. 

“P-Please…” Andy begged, surprising himself at how needy he sounded. 

“Mm, what was that?” Matt rubbed his hand up against the bulge in Andy’s pants, caressing him through the thin fabric. 

The singer moaned, the aching in his gut intensifying. “Fuck- p-please, fuck that feels so good.” 

Matt smirked, pulling Andy towards the edge of the mattress, pressing kisses against his stomach. The younger man whimpered at the feeling of Matt’s tongue running over his skin. Andy watched as the guitarist slowly peeled his leggings down, letting out desperate moans as Matt’s hand wrapped around his erection. 

“Jesus fucking Christ-” Andy cursed as Matt’s lips wrapped around his length. 

The singer had to hold himself back from coming right there, the intense feeling mixed with the fact that he’d been deprived for far too long was overwhelming. More moans escaped his lips as he let himself get lost in the feeling, his fingers lacing through Matt’s hair. He’d had blow jobs before, what guy in a band hadn’t, but this was different. Unlike a lot of the women he’d been with, Matt knew exactly what to do. 

“Oh god, fuck…” Andy didn’t care if there was anyone else on the bus that could hear him. None of that mattered as Matt took him all the way down, moaning around him when the singer tugged on his hair roughly. 

He could feel himself starting to get close, not wanting the feeling to end but at the same time needing the release. The muscles in his stomach started to clench as Matt bobbed his head up and down, earning more gasps and moans from the singer. 

“I’m fuck- I’m gonna come… fuck I’m gonna come” Andy moaned, his back arching as he surrendered himself to the pleasure, coming hard inside the other man’s mouth. 

Matt pulled back, pumping the singer with his hand as he watched the boy ride out his orgasm. His eyes were closed, lips parted, cheeks flushed as he moaned the guitarist’s name. Matt smirked at the sight, his own erection aching to be satisfied. Andy was absolutely fucking gorgeous. 

Andy tugged his leggings back up, still out of breath as he sat up, smiling at the older man. “Holy shit…” 

“See, told you I’d make you feel good.” Matt chuckled, pulling the singer into his lap. 

Andy could feel Matt’s erection pressing against his leg through the front of his jeans. He pulled him into a kiss, the scent of Andy’s cologne only turning him on even more. He bit at the boy’s lip ring, wondering what it would feel like on… other parts. 

“Mm, now I’m not saying you have to… but I’ve been dying to know what those lips of yours would look like around my cock.” Matt whispered; his eyes full of lust. 

The dirty talk sent a shiver down Andy’s spine, with women he hadn’t given a fuck if they got off or not, it didn’t really matter to him. But with Matt, things were different. 

“I mean… I don’t know how good I’ll be at it” Andy purred, kissing and nipping at the guitarist’s jaw.   
“Only one way to find out.” Matt chuckled; he’d seen Andy do things with a microphone that made him think the singer would do just fine. 

“You’ll have to instruct me” Andy smirked, getting turned on by the idea of Matt guiding him; telling him what to do. 

“For starters, get on your fucking knees.” The older man commanded, his tone assertive and dominating. 

The smirk on the younger man’s face widened at the change in Matt’s tone, obeying him as he got onto his knees in front of the bed. The sight of those blue eyes looking up at him made Matt weak as he unzipped the front of his jeans to finally free his throbbing cock. He watched as Andy wrapped a hand around the base of his cock, slowly and teasingly starting to stroke him. 

Andy kept his eyes on Matt as he ran his tongue up the man’s length, earning moans of pleasure from the guitarist. It made him want to do more, he wanted to please him. He’d pissed off enough women in his life not reciprocating. He always found an excuse why not to, or just kicked them out after they blew him, but not tonight. It was actually kind of hot, he thought to himself, knowing he was giving the same pleasure he’d received. 

“Enough teasing, I want to feel your lips around me,” Matt said, lacing his fingers in Andy’s hair and guiding his head down. 

Matt had to hold back a moan as he felt the younger man’s lips around his cock, the warmth of Andy’s mouth felt as good as he’d imagined it would. The cool metal of his lip ring made it even more erotic. He looked down at the singer, muttering a shaky ‘fuck’ under his breath. What a fucking site, and certainly hotter than any porno the guitarist had ever watched. He pushed the boy’s hair back, fighting the urge to thrust all the way into his mouth. 

“Fuck Andy, that’s it…” he moaned as he felt himself hit the back of the singer’s throat. 

Andy felt himself start to gag as he took Matt’s entire length down, pulling back a bit until the feeling passed. The older man had a firm grip on the back of his head as he started to move his hips, slow and easy at first. Andy moaned around him, he had to admit he liked this side of Matt. He was definitely taking it easy on him, but at the same time still dominating and in control. 

Matt couldn’t take his eyes off the singer; this was better than his imagination. The guitarist was surprised at Andy’s abilities, for a first-timer he was already better than a lot of the women Matt had been with. Fuck, he didn’t want it to end.

“You look so fucking beautiful like this…” Matt moaned, starting to feel his climax building as his thrusts got deeper and harder, forcing Andy to take him all the way down each time. 

“F-Fuck, I’m gonna come” the older man moaned, unable to hold out any longer. 

Andy swallowed around the man, sending him over the edge. Matt moaned the other man’s name as he came in his mouth, only releasing the grip on his hair after his thrust slowed to a stop. Andy pulled back, gasping for breath, his lipstick completely smeared. 

“Now swallow,” Matt commanded. 

The older man chuckled as Andy obeyed, making a face. He pulled the singer up off his knees and back onto the bed, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. The euphoria still consumed him as he kissed the top of Andy’s head, enjoying the closeness. 

“You’re amazing, you know that?” Matt asked, looking down at the man curled up to his side. 

“You’re just saying that because I sucked your dick,” Andy smirked, resting his head on Matt’s chest and listening to his steady heartbeat. 

“I mean… I’m not gonna lie that’s part of it.” Matt laughed, stroking Andy’s arm absentmindedly. 

Matt held back from saying what he wanted to the singer. Maybe it was just the hormones still flooding his brain, but as he watched Andy close his eyes, laying there in his arms, he realized he’d never been more in love with someone. How Andy could think he was anything less than perfect, the guitarist couldn’t imagine.


	10. Desperation Before I Hit the Ground

Chapter Ten: Desperation Before I Hit the Ground

Matt woke up to someone screaming. It sounded like it was coming from the front lounge. although he couldn’t quite make out what was being said. He could clearly hear Andy; his normally deep and calm voice was higher pitched and raw with emotion. The other voice was harder to hear, whoever it was wasn’t yelling nearly as loud as Andy. What the fuck was going on? 

The guitarist looked at his phone, it was a little past noon. For most people that would be considered waking up late, but for life on the road that was fairly early, and way too early for whatever was going on upfront. A sudden crash and shattering of glass caused the man to jump out of bed, throwing the door to the back room open. 

“Whoa- hey, you don’t want to go up there right now, man.” CC put his hands out, stopping Matt. 

“Dude what the fuck is going on?!” Matt demanded, trying to push past the drummer. 

“Fucking throw something at me again, Six. I swear to god I’ll knock your teeth out” Ashley yelled loud enough for Matt to put two and two together. 

“It’s fucking Andy and Ash going after each other again. Trust me, you don’t want to get between them. It’s bad.” Jake answered, peeking his head out of his bunk. 

Andy hurled the empty wine bottle at Ashley’s head, barely missing the bassist as it shattered upon impact with the ground. The fucking nerve of him; Andy had just gone upfront to get some pain killers for his hangover and Ash had launched into it with him. Apparently, he was fed up over Matt being on the bus and had been trying to get John to kick him off. Andy had walked in on their conversation which quickly ignited into the two of them screaming at each other. 

According to Ashley, ‘non-members’ shouldn’t be allowed to stay on the bus, well he had actually referred to it as his bus. Andy knew better than to believe the bullshit, Ash just wanted Matt off the bus because he knew it would upset him. The man was hellbent on ruining anything good that came the singer’s way it felt. 

So much of Andy’s anxiety and anger was the result of the man standing in front of him, pointing his finger and hurling insults his way. He had trusted Ashley, he was naive and willing to believe anyone who told him they would help him. At first, things seemed like they would work out, sure Ashley was a bit of a deviant, but Andy considered him a friend. He thought the older man had his best interest at heart, that he knew best and so he didn’t question things when Ash proposed a business agreement. 

Over the past few months, it had started to become clearer, Ashley was only in it for himself. He’d trapped Andy and he didn’t plan on letting him out. He’d taken all of the singer’s control over his own destiny and shackled them together. 

“Oh yeah, what are you going to do about it, old man?” Andy antagonized the bassist, narrowing his eyes at the man. 

“I’m gonna kick your little boyfriend off the bus.” Ashley shot back just as Matt pushed the curtains to the front lounge open. 

The guitarist looked between Andy and Ashley, noticing how tense the scene was. Andy had his fists balled up like he was ready to deck Ash; Matt wasn’t sure if he should stop him. 

Andy’s jaw dropped at the bassist’s comment, his cheeks going red. “Oh fuck off, you’re just mad because you don’t actually have any friends you fucking coke head.” 

Matt stepped forward, ready to grab Andy if things suddenly turned violent. He didn’t know if it was better to let the two shout it out or to stop them before feelings got hurt. He still wasn’t entirely sure what the argument was even about, but apparently it involved him.   
“That’s rich coming from an anorexic alcoholic-” Andy’s fist collided with the bassist’s jaw before he could get the rest of his insult out, causing the man to stagger back a bit before realizing what happened. 

“Fucking bitch-” Ashley growled, holding where Andy had hit him. 

John tried to grab the bassist, but Ash was too quick, lunging at the singer before his manager could stop him. He managed to land a punch to the younger man’s cheek, making Andy cry out in pain when his fist hit. Ash recoiled, ready to hit him again, but before he could Matt and John were on him. The two of them were able to restrain him just as the other guys burst through the doorway. 

“What the fuck is going on?” Jake boomed, looking over at Andy who was cursing and holding the side of his face, blood dripping from his lips. 

“Lay another hand on him and I promise you it’ll be the last thing you do,” Matt growled at Ash, who was still trying to fight his way out of the two men’s grasps. 

“That’s enough out of everyone!” John yelled, managing to get Ashely to calm down enough that they could let go of him, “Everyone chill the fuck out, got it?” 

“Fuck this! I’m done, pull the fucking bus over!” Andy screamed, wiping the blood from his lips. 

Matt turned his attention to the wounded singer, blocking his path towards the bassist as John tried to pull Ashley into the back to separate them. There was no calming the younger man down, and he was actually a lot stronger than Matt thought as he tried to push past the guitarist. 

“Andy, stop, he’s not worth it.”   
“No! Get the fuck off of me! Pull the fucking bus over! I fucking done with this!” Andy yelled again. 

The driver, having had enough of the screaming apparently, pulled the bus over at a rest stop off the highway. The breaks screeched to a halt before the bus doors flung open. CC tried to step between Andy and the door, begging him to just sit down and take some deep breaths. It was no use; Andy didn’t even acknowledge him as he stormed off the bus and into the parking lot. 

“Dude what the fuck, the venue’s not more than an hour away, and sound check is in a few hours!” CC groaned, pushing his hair back in frustration. 

“Fuck, look don’t worry, I’ll call my driver and tell him to pick us up. I’ll get him to the venue. Just- shit, just don’t worry” Matt stammered before running after the hysterical singer, leaving a stunned CC in the wake. 

“Andy, stop- Andy, please just slow down,” The guitarist pleaded; it was too early for this much physical exertion he thought to himself as he tried to catch up with the younger man. 

Andy didn’t even know where he was going, all he knew was the farther away he was from that fucking man the better. The tightness in his chest was threatening to make him stop, breathing becoming harder as he tried to push forward. He could still taste blood, although he wasn’t sure where it was coming from. 

He could hear Matt calling behind him, pleading with him to ‘just calm down’. Whatever, so what if everyone thought he was being dramatic or overreacting. The younger man couldn’t take it anymore, he could feel the mask of perfection starting to crack. It felt like the world was crashing down around him, it had been building up for so long and now he couldn’t hold it back. This wasn’t how his life was supposed to be, this wasn’t what he’d abandoned his old life for. All the things that haunted him; he had left them all in Ohio. This was supposed to be his chance at a new life free from all the fucking bullies and assholes who tortured him as a kid. 

Instead, it felt like he had just traded the old ghosts for new ones. There was no one who could save him. His mind kept spiraling, unable to stop. 

“Andy!” Matt exclaimed, finally catching up to the singer, grabbing him from behind.

The parking lot of the rest stop was abandoned except for them and one lone eighteen-wheeler. Matt looked around; Andy had made it almost back to the highway. Matt shuttered to think what his plan was, where exactly he intended on going. 

“Let go of me, don’t fucking touch me,” Andy growled, trying to break free of the guitarist’s hold on him. 

“Andy, Jesus fucking Christ! What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Matt let go of the singer, sensing he was fighting a losing battle. 

“I don’t deserve to have to deal with this shit. That’s my fucking band, and he has the nerve to hit me?!” Andy’s hands were shaking as he yelled, the anger and hate consuming him. 

Matt didn’t mention that it had been Andy who hit the older man first, but Ash had it coming. The singer had gotten a pretty good punch in at least. Matt could sense that there was more to it than just the one argument. He knew most of the history Ash and Andy had together as far as the bassist basically tricking the younger man into a business agreement. How it ate Andy alive to know that he couldn’t undo his mistake no matter how hard he tried, but even so, this seemed like more, this seemed like a break. 

“Of course, you don’t, Andy. Look, I can call my bus driver and he can pick us up, and I’ll talk to Craig and the guys about you staying on our bus or something-”  
“I’m not getting on any bus, I’m done. With all of it!” Andy cut the older man off. 

Matt looked at the singer, bewildered that he could even say something like that. He’d worked his whole life to get to where he was at and he was finally making a name for himself, it was very unlike the kid to quit. Sure, he’d only known Andy for a year, but he’d never met someone so determined and full of passion before. It was one of the things he liked most about him. 

“Come on… you’re not seriously considering that are you?”   
“Why not? Nothing I ever do is good enough! Fuck! I’m so tired of this shit. I feel like I can’t even breathe without someone criticizing me for it!” Andy yelled, starting to pace back and forth. 

The older man knew the feeling Andy was talking about, everyone who had the privilege of even remotely ‘making it’ knew that feeling. It was overwhelming; the pressure, the fans, the demands, the exhaustion… You either learned how to cope with it or you sunk, and Matt was afraid that was what he was watching happen. 

Before Matt could try and say something to walk the singer back from the ledge he was threatening to fall off, Andy let out a piercing scream. The agony in his voice was raw, and it shattered the guitarist’s heart to hear. The older man winced at the sound, not knowing what to do. He just stood there, powerless to help as Andy broke down. All he could do was watch. 

The singer bent over, covering his face with his hands, each audible breath he took felt like daggers in his chest. His chest ached like it was collapsing in, he was losing his grip on sanity and he could feel it. Within an instant, protective arms were around him as Matt pulled him into an embrace. Andy’s whole body shook as he gasped for air between sobs, desperately holding onto the guitarist’s shirt. 

Matt felt tears prick at his own eyes, his heart broke for the man in his arms. “I love you so much… Andy, please… let me help you.” 

The younger man’s heart skipped a beat at the words. I love you, three words he never thought he’d hear another person say to him. Three words that he wasn’t sure he even wanted to hear someone say. It was different than saying ‘I’m falling in love with you’, or even ‘love you’. It was a declaration, a promise. It kept him from falling into the abyss, even if just for the moment. 

“You love me?” Andy pulled back a bit, looking up at the guitarist, searching for anything in his face that might indicate he wasn’t sincere. 

“Yes… isn’t it obvious?” Matt asked, smiling softly. 

“But why?” Andy couldn’t understand, he’d hadn’t exactly been the greatest over the past couple of weeks. 

“Because I do. You’re my favorite person in the world. You’re my best friend… and I fell in love with you…” Matt brushed a lock of hair out of the man’s face, the tears falling down Andy’s cheeks not taking away from his beauty. 

Andy opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by the sound of a horn blaring through the parking lot. Matt’s bus pulled up beside the pair, coming to a halt just feet away from them. John must have called their manager; had to make sure the show went on… 

The doors opened and Matt’s manager was standing in the entrance, not looking very amused at having to take the detour to retrieve them. “Get on the bus, it’s not up for discussion.” 

The guitarist gave him a sheepish smile, knowing he would probably hear it later on about how he wasn’t going to be putting up with any drama. Luckily, Andy didn’t put up a fight, at least momentarily having come to his senses that he didn’t want to hike along the highway. The two boarded the bus, the doors shutting behind them as the driver cranked the engine back up. 

“Come on, we can go to the lounge in the back,” Matt suggested, mentally cursing the driver for pulling up right before Andy had a chance to reply. 

He hadn’t planned on telling the singer he loved him, at least not yet. Call him old fashion, but he wanted to wait a little longer, for a more special moment. The words meant something to him. He wasn’t an immature teenager anymore who just threw them around to get laid. It had just come out, but it was sincere. Andy needed to hear those words. If it took the other man longer to say it back, if he said it back at all, so be it. Andy had said he was falling in love but was he there yet? Matt figured he’d have to wait longer to find out. 

“Can we bring alcohol back there? I need a fucking drink.” Andy sighed, rubbing where Ashley had hit him. 

The older man hesitated if he said yes, he was only enabling the singer, but he also just wanted to keep the peace and get Andy to the show. It was a battle for another day he decided, grabbing a bottle of red wine from the liquor cabinet and motioning towards the back.


	11. Ritual

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning this chapter might be trigger for those suffering from an eating disorder.

Chapter Eleven: Ritual 

Andy tipped the bottle back, hoping that if he just drank fast enough the anxiety buzzing in his brain would stop. His head was in Matt’s lap, his body laid out on the massive couch. Some cheesy 90’s sit-com was playing on the flat-screen TV, although neither of them was really watching it. The singer closed his eyes, trying to focus on the feeling of Matt’s fingers running through his hair. The soft rumble of the bus mixed with the emotionally draining morning was threatening to lull him to sleep. 

“The deal was you had to share.” Matt chuckled, taking the wine bottle from the boy. 

“You should have brought your own,” Andy replied, watching as the older man took a swig of the bitter liquid. 

“You’re impossible.” The guitarist teased, combing his fingers through the singer’s silky black hair. 

“Mm, that feels good…” Andy shut his eyes, trying to just enjoy the moment. 

“What? Me playing with your hair?” Matt raised an eyebrow, working a few knots out. 

“Yeah… I like it.”   
“Dear, I think that’s the wine talking.” 

The older man looked down at the singer in his lap, his eyes looked tired and sad. When he’d first met the kid, they were so full of life, a youthful spark of someone who believed they were limitless. Now his baby blue eyes were dull, the spark extinguished by the weight of the world. All Matt wanted was to light them up again, help Andy regain what life had taken from him. 

Andy had collected so many vices over the last year, maybe not all new, but vices none the less. By Matt’s count, he was up to almost two packs of cigarettes a day, entire bottles of alcohol, drugs, and what he suspected was a very dangerous coping mechanism. He couldn’t shake the memory from the diner, he didn’t want to believe it, but the signs were hard to miss. The younger man had lost quite a bit of weight since their last tour together and he doubted it was just the result of his new party lifestyle. 

There had to be a way he could get Andy to talk about things, open up so that the older man could try and help him. If he really was making himself sick, he could ruin his voice, maybe even for good. Andy had to know that; he wasn’t stupid. 

Matt picked up Andy’s right hand, brushing his thumb over the man’s knuckles. The singer watched him, flinching when he ran his thumb over the healing red marks on his pointer and middle finger. ‘Fuck’, Matt thought. 

“What happened to your hand?” the guitarist asked, maybe by some miracle Andy would tell him the truth. 

“I don’t know… probably from when I hit Ash this morning.” The younger man pulled his hand back, rubbing it.

“Oh… yeah, that makes sense.” Matt played along, Andy was lying to him, those marks were at least a few days old. 

“Hey, how about when we get to the venue you and I go get something to eat. I’m pretty sure there’s a pizza place down the street, and it’ll keep you from getting into another fight before the show.” The guitarist suggested both a test and a change of subject. 

Andy forced a smile; he knew what the other man was trying to do. The only thing he could do was go along with it, assure him that everything was fine and there was nothing to worry about. Matt was just being over vigilant because of Sonny, the singer understood that, but at the same time, he wished the topic would just be dropped. He didn’t want to worry that every move he made would be watched, which was part of the problem. 

If he was being honest with himself, he knew he was spiraling down into a very dark place. The problem was if he was honest with Matt, he’d make him stop. The younger man couldn’t handle any more control being taken away; it was his body. If he wanted to chain-smoke, drink, and do drugs, he could. If he wanted to engage in ‘unhealthy’ behaviors to make sure he fit the ‘rockstar’ image, that was his choice. He was young, he would be fine. 

“Sure… but you’re paying.” Andy laughed, feeling relieved when the older man seemed to relax a bit. 

“I guess it’s only fair, seeing as how I’ve seen you naked but haven’t taken you on a date,” Matt smirked, tugging on the singer’s hair playfully. 

“Mm,” Andy bit back a moan, raising an eyebrow, “Does that mean we’re officially dating now?”   
“Seeing as how I just told you I love you like an hour ago, I’d say yeah… we’re dating Six.” 

The two busted into laughter, a genuine smile spreading across the younger man’s face. It warmed the guitarist’s heart to see Andy finally look happy for the first time today. 

“Come here, asshole” Matt teased, pulling the singer into a kiss.   
-

As it turned out, several fans had the same plan of grabbing something to eat before the show. It took the two almost an hour to take photos, sign things, and talk with the group of kids that had gathered at the pizza parlor. Andy did his best to seem upbeat, but the events of the afternoon were still weighing heavily on his mind. Was he supposed to pretend that he hadn’t almost dropped everything and quit just hours before telling these kids to ‘believe in yourself’ and ‘never give in’? 

It made him feel like a hypocrite, they believed every word that came out of his mouth. They saw him as some kind of savior, someone to look up to, and he was lying to them all. He wasn’t the bulletproof persona they thought he was, he was just as fucked up as them. Fuck, he was barely even older than some of them. 

“I think our pizza is ready, I’ll grab it and we can go find somewhere to eat,” Matt said as Andy finished signing another CD. 

“Yeah, I’m sure there’s somewhere at the venue,” Andy replied, making it obvious that he wanted to get away. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t like the fans, there was just a limit on what he could take. It got overwhelming at times, so many people prying for his attention, calling his name, touching him, and pouring their hearts out. The wine from the bus wasn’t nearly enough to quell the anxiety it provoked. 

The singer was thankful when Matt returned holding a box, telling the fans that they had to go but they would see them at the show in a bit. Andy waved goodbye, sticking close to Matt as they made their way back to the venue, careful to avoid the large line that was starting to form by the entrance. 

“I got extra cheese on it, I figured you would like that.” The older man commented, sensing that Andy was still feeling a little down from earlier. 

“It’s like you know me or something.” Andy joked, turning the corner to the bus lot. 

The pair ended up going back to Matt’s bus, it was easier than trying to find somewhere private inside. The rest of his band was off doing something else, probably setting up for the show or doing interviews. The front lounge was empty; the bus driver having retreated to his bunk to sleep. This would have to do for their date, Matt thought, a tour bus, how romantic. 

Andy took a small bite of his second slice, trying to focus on what Matt was saying instead of his brain yelling at him that one was enough. The guitarist was telling him some story about recording their last music video, he had apparently pulled the greatest prank ever on Craig. 

“Anyways, yeah… it was totally worth almost getting my ass beat by him.” The older man shook his head, chuckling to himself as he glanced over at Andy. 

He was pleasantly surprised, Andy seemed to be just fine. Maybe he had been wrong, maybe he was making things out to be bigger than they really were. The singer had been right when he accused Matt of trying to save Sonny. It was a long time ago, but he did once have feelings for his former singer. Nothing like what he felt for Andy, but enough that the man’s self-destructive behaviors had brought him to the edge of his sanity. He still hadn’t forgiven himself for missing the warning signs, for looking the other way for too long. 

He saw the signs in Andy, and it brought all those memories back. If he made the same mistake twice, what did that mean? At the same time, Andy was his own person, he wasn’t Sonny.

“Isn’t this some of the best pizza you’ve ever had? Who would have thought for just some random restaurant in, where are we? Grand Rapids?” Matt commented. 

“Don’t ask me, I lost count after the third stop. It’s pretty good though, thanks, babe.” Andy smirked as Matt almost choked on his beer at being called ‘babe’. 

“Well, sorry our first real date had to be on a tour bus, but now at least you can’t accuse me of not buying you dinner first.” The older man laughed, grabbing another slice of pizza. 

Andy cocked an eyebrow, “Oh yeah? You mean when you finally get up the balls to try and fuck me?” 

The singer thought it was a little bit strange that Matt hadn’t tried yet. This wasn’t the 50’s anymore; he could have that night at the hotel. So why didn’t he? Andy was partly glad he hadn’t, he was still kind of freaking out at the prospect of it. At the same time, it made him wonder. Surely the older man wanted to, right? They had done pretty much everything up to that point. 

“Oh, come on, maybe I want it to be special and romantic.” Matt teased, faking a girly voice. 

“You think that’s how I like it? Hm, interesting…” Andy gave the older man a seductive smile, watching his eyes go wide when he caught on to what he was saying.

“Noted,” Matt replied, finishing the last of his beer. 

\---

Andy tried in vain to focus on painting the intricate designs on his eyes, but he couldn’t distract himself from the anxiety that had been building in his chest since the bus. He ended up eating a lot more than he normally would, which was currently causing him to feel nauseous and bloated. By the time Matt and he were done eating it was already time for soundcheck, which the singer was forced to suffer through, feeling like shit from all the grease and beer. 

The younger man had spent most of the soundcheck mentally trying to justify what he knew he was going to end up doing anyway. He’d been through the whole gauntlet of reasons why it was ‘okay’. Just like the last time, he needed to feel better. It would be worse if he tried to jump around on stage and ended up puking, wouldn’t it? How would it be any different than if he had just gotten blackout drunk and ended up with alcohol poisoning? 

By the time soundcheck ended he had successfully convinced himself that he wasn’t doing it because he was worried about how he would look on stage, but that he would perform better if he just ‘got it over with’. As long as he was quick about it, no one would even notice. 

What he hadn’t counted on was that Matt would glue himself to him the second he got back from soundcheck, making it damn near impossible to slip away. To make things even worse, Ash had invited some strippers to the show, and they were all in the bathroom doing blow. 

“Does this look good?” Andy asked the older man, turning to face him. 

He adjusted the cropped leather vest a bit before pulling the multiple belts he wore down to cover his lower stomach. 

“Yeah, of course, it does. You pretty much wear the same thing every night… it always looks good.” Matt commented, looking the singer up and down. 

Why did Andy even need to ask? The younger man was jaw-droppingly beautiful no matter what he wore. Matt had to admit though, the leather leggings and cropped vest were incredibly sexy. 

“I mean, you look a little bit like a prostitute, but that’s what you’re going for right?” the guitarist teased, laughing at his own joke when Andy rolled his eyes. 

Andy turned to the side, sucking his stomach in a bit and looking at his reflection. “Fuck, I probably should have waited until after the show to eat half that pizza. I feel like shit now.” 

“I think I have some medicine in my guitar bag if you want?” Matt offered, eyeing the singer cautiously. 

“No, no. I’ll be fine, I’m sure I’ll feel better by the time I go on.” Andy assured him, flashing an obviously fake smile. 

The door to the bathroom busted open as Ash and three scantily clad women walked out, one of the girls almost falling over her stilettos. All four of them were wasted and coked out of their minds; great Andy thought, so it was a problem for him to get fucked up before a show, but Ash had different rules? Good to know. 

The bassist glared at Andy, his foundation barely covering a clear bruise from where the younger man had hit him. The singer felt the same rage from the morning start to bubble up in his chest, having to suppress it as to not cause another scene. 

“You’re gonna be alright, right?” Matt asked, putting his guitar strap over his shoulder as he prepared to go on stage. 

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. He’s not going to do shit; he’s too fucked up.” Andy sneered. 

“Okay, good. See you in forty-minutes, love.” The guitarist waved before heading out with the rest of his band. 

Andy scanned the room, his fingers tapping nervously at the inside of his arms. Jake and Jinxx were in the corner tuning their guitars and CC and Ash had gone back to the bus with the girls for the moment. The singer bit at this lip ring, knowing in the back of his mind that making himself sick right before he went on stage was a bad idea. It would probably fuck up his voice for the night, but he could just have the crowd sing most of the lyrics. He’d be fine by tomorrow. 

The lock on the bathroom door clicked; the anxious feeling only growing worse by the minute. He had felt out of control all day like the world was going too fast and he couldn’t stop it; helpless. He just wanted to feel better, that was it… 

The singer knelt down in front of the toilet, pushing his hair back to the side. He had to be careful not to fuck up his makeup or else someone might notice, and by someone he meant Matt. A twinge of guilt went through the boy, was he lying to Matt? Surely, the man wouldn’t be happy if he knew. He tried to push the feeling away; this would be the last time he promised himself. ‘Liar’ his conscious screamed. 

Andy gagged as he pressed two fingers into the back of his throat, closing his eyes and waiting for it to be over with. Thanks to the already sick feeling in his stomach, it didn’t take much effort. The man tried his best to stay quiet, not wanting to tip off anyone outside. His throat burned from the acid and alcohol and his hands shook as he gripped the sides of the toilet. He wanted to cry; why was he doing this to himself? ‘You’re so fucked up’ he thought, ‘and no one even knows how bad’. 

The singer repeated the process one final time, but something didn’t feel right. His heart dropped in his chest as he retracted his fingers, seeing the bright red blood covering them. He could taste it in the back of his throat. He felt his stomach lurch as he threw up again, this time mostly from shock. His whole body shook as he tried to wipe the blood dripping from his lips away, quickly flushing away the evidence. 

Andy felt lightheaded as he stood up, his vision blurring as he fought to stay conscious. He’d just scraped his throat or something, he told himself, anything but actual damage. Walking over to the sink, he frantically washed his hands clean, trying to mentally calm himself down. He opened his mouth to say something, prove to himself he was fine, but his voice sounded raw and strained. Shit, no… he just needed some water or something. 

He unlocked the door, slipping out and back over to the mirror. Matt would be offstage any minute now which meant he would be on stage any minute. The panicked singer downed a bottle of water before popping some gum in his mouth and fixing his lipstick. His throat felt like it was on fire, he’d fucked something up the only question was how bad? 

Matt grabbed a towel from one of the stagehands, wiping the sweat from his brow as he made his way backstage. The crowd had been phenomenal, probably one of the best so far. The guitarist was still riding his stage high when he walked into the green room. His euphoria quickly faded when he saw the distraught look on his lover’s face; something had happened. 

“Hey… babe, you alright?” Matt whispered, placing a hand on Andy’s shoulder. 

“Mhm,” the younger man mumbled, conveniently taking a long drink of water. 

Matt raised an eyebrow; Ashley was across the room flirting with the girls. No one else looked alarmed, so clearly world war three hadn’t broken out while he was on stage. Andy’s hands were visibly shaking though, what was going on? 

Before the older man could ask, John yelled from the hallway that it was showtime, scrambling the men in the room to action. Andy leaned in and pecked the guitarist’s cheek once everyone was distracted, waving at him as he took off after the rest of his band. 

Matt got his answer almost immediately. The music started to their opening song and instead of belting out the first verse, Andy held the microphone over the crowd letting them chant the lyrics while he mouthed the words. It was only a temporary fix though as Andy attempted to sing the next line. His voice was absolutely shot, it pained the older man to even hear as the singer strained to hit the notes or even produce a sound at all. 

The younger man had been fine less than an hour ago; Matt’s heart sank as he started to realize what had happened. Andy was right, he wasn’t Sonny; he was sicker than that.


	12. I Can't Save Our Hearts Tonight

Chapter Twelve: I Can’t Save Our Hearts Tonight

Andy ducked his head, quickly making his way off stage and out of sight of the fans still screaming for more. Halfway through the set his voice had almost completely failed him; he lied to the fans telling them he had laryngitis. Of course, they believed him, it was a perfectly plausible reason. The rest of the band knew he was full of shit, and worst of all, Matt knew he was full of shit. He had fucked up; you should have known better he thought to himself. How embarrassing that he couldn’t even make it through a forty-minute set, having to rely on the crowd and backup vocals to carry the show. 

“Andy, I’m talking to you. What was that you were just fine at soundcheck.” John’s voice was surprisingly not as angry as his face had been through the duration of the set. 

If anything, his manager seemed concerned. With all the illnesses and injuries, he’d had in the handful of tours they’d done, the man had reason to worry. Andy felt bad for John, he didn’t sign up to be a babysitter, and he was pretty sure he stressed the blonde-haired man out. But if there was one time he wished the dude would just leave him alone, it was now. John was nothing compared to Matt, however. 

The singer had made the mistake of looking over at the guitarist towards the end of their set; the look on the older man’s face was a mix between anger and worry. Andy had no desire to get a lecture, he felt like shit and just wanted to go to bed, so he didn’t stop when Matt tried to talk to him after the show. His throat was on fire after frying the last of his voice on stage, and he felt dizzy and lightheaded. 

“Andy?!” John yelled again as he followed after the singer through the maze of backstage hallways. 

“John, I’ll handle it,” Matt said, placing a hand on the shorter man’s shoulder and pushing past him. 

The older man was infuriated, he was trying not to jump to conclusions, but he just couldn’t think of an innocent explanation. Andy had lied to him; he’d asked him if he was okay; he shouldn’t have fucking left him alone. He wasn’t quite sure how to even confront the singer, should he just come out and accuse him? Cornering Andy hardly worked out in anyone’s favor; the man seemed to have a knack for getting himself out of those situations. Besides, what type of conversation would they even have, Andy could barely even bid the crowd goodnight. 

“Andy, you’re not running away from me. What the fuck happened? You were fine less than two hours ago?!” Matt yelled at the retreating man. 

Andy flung the back-entrance door open, almost hitting Matt in the face with it. His heels clicked against the asphalt as he made his way towards the bus. He wasn’t even sure why he was ignoring Matt; it wasn’t like the man would suddenly realize he didn’t want to talk and drop it. 

“Take another fucking step and we’re done.” Matt snapped, stopping in his tracks and holding his breath for Andy to make a move. 

He watched as the singer came to a halt, keeping his back to the guitarist, just feet away from the bus. Slowly, he turned around, his expression blank as his blue eyes looked up at the older man. 

“Andy, please… just tell me what happened.” Matt sighed, feeling defeated as he braced himself for a lie. 

Andy opened his mouth, his voice cracking and squeaking when he tried to speak, having to settle instead for a barely audible whisper. “Matt… not right now.” He pleaded, trying to come up with a reason; anything but the truth. 

“Yes, right now, Andy. What did you do? You were fine when I went on stage, what did you do?” Matt’s anger was starting to turn to sadness as tears threatened to fall. 

“I-I told you I didn’t feel good.” Having to strain his voice to even whisper was aggravating his throat, even more, forcing him to pause as he coughed. “I thought I would be okay, but… I think I have food poisoning or something.” 

Andy wanted to punch himself the second the words came out, good going you fucking idiot, that’s what you come up with? Matt’s brows furrowed into a glare, causing the singer’s heart to skip a beat. Matt knew; he’d failed his test. 

“God… you’re such a fucking liar. That’s all you do; lie to me. Food poisoning? Really, that’s the best you’ve got. Because if I recall we ate the same thing, and I feel just fine.” The older man was practically yelling, his fingers laced through his hair as he paced in a circle. 

Andy winced at the anger in his voice, “Matt I’m not lying to you, I-”

The air escaped the singer’s lungs as his back hit the metal siding of the bus, Matt’s hands were wrapped around his arms, squeezing them tightly. Andy looked down, avoiding the accusing look in the other man’s eyes; shocked at the sudden outburst. 

“You don’t care, do you? You don’t care that you’re forcing me to watch you destroy yourself, your band, everything you’ve worked for. You’re willing to throw that all away for what? Vanity?” 

“Matt, you don’t understand!” Andy’s voice failed him again, cutting in and out as he pleaded. 

“Then enlighten me, tell me what it is I’m missing. Baby… please….” Matt’s tone softened as he loosened the grip on the younger man’s arms, releasing him. 

He knew this wasn’t the right way to approach things, Andy was clearly hurting and maybe it wasn’t the best time and place, but he just needed to hear him say it. 

The nauseous and sick feeling was starting to return, and the last thing the singer wanted to do was have a heart to heart. Matt clearly knew, why did he need confirmation? His mind seemed pretty made up; he thought he was just a clone of Sonny. Maybe that was all he ever was to Matt, just a replacement. The thought was like a dagger through the younger man’s heart. 

“I wasn’t feeling good, I just ate too much and I didn’t want to get sick on stage so I just…” 

“Just what? Shoved your fingers down your throat? That’s what the marks on your knuckles are from right? From the last time you didn’t ‘feel good’. Or did you think I didn’t notice those?” Matt was starting to get heated again, why couldn’t Andy just be honest? 

“Don’t pretend like you didn’t set me up!” Andy choked out, his voice threatening to give out completely. 

Matt’s eyes widened; he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Typical Andy, turn it around on him because god forbid anyone care about him. “I set you up? How did I do that, by feeding you? That’s fucking disgusting, Andy, why would I set you up?” 

“Because you’re obsessed with making me into that fucking guy! Just admit it!” 

“Who? Sonny? Oh, sweetheart, you’ve got him beat by a mile at this point.” Matt was almost ready to give up; on the conversation, on Andy, on all of it. 

If Andy was hellbent on self-destruction, why should he even bother to try and stop him? He didn’t want any help, that much was painfully obvious. 

The singer turned to the side, covering his mouth with the back on his hand. The sick feeling in his stomach was getting worse, fuck I’m gonna throw up he thought, scanning the parking lot for a trash can, bushes, anything. Matt was still talking, but he couldn’t concentrate on what he was saying. 

“Hey! Are you even listening to me-” The older man cut himself off when he saw how pale Andy’s face looked, shit maybe he was sick… either that or it was all some elaborate act. 

Andy made it about a foot before throwing up on the concrete, his throat burning as he tried to force his body to stop. He held his hair back, keeping his eyes closed, the pain making his knees threaten to buckle. 

Matt wrinkled his nose, crossing his arms and looking away, halfway convinced it was just for show. It was a horrible thought, but at this point, he didn’t know what to believe. What if something really was wrong with Andy though… The guitarist glanced over at the boy bent over, his heart dropped at the sight of what looked to be blood. 

“F-Fuck…” Andy gasped, his hands trembling when he opened his eyes and saw the bright red on the ground. 

“Holy shit… oh my god, Andy, shit we’ve got to get you to the hospital” There was panic in the older man’s voice as he rushed over. 

“No… please don’t, I’ll be fine-” Andy protested, despite being incredibly worried himself. 

“Are you kidding me? You just threw up fucking blood, you’re going to the hospital.” Matt insisted, pulling his phone out and texting John to call a taxi immediately. 

Andy straightened his back, the change of position making him see black dots. Should he tell Matt the truth about earlier? He was bound to find out if he insisted on being with him at the ER. He didn’t want to go to the hospital, but this time he might actually need to. If something was wrong… he wanted Matt there. 

“Matt…,” Andy bit his lip, the taste of blood only making the anxiety worse, “I-It happened earlier…” 

The older man couldn’t believe what he was hearing, what did Andy mean ‘it happened earlier’? So, he threw up blood and just didn’t plan on telling anyone, that was borderline suicidal behavior. Now was definitely not the time for a lecture; the singer was shaking like a leaf. 

“Fuck… okay, it’s going to be okay.” Matt wrapped his arms around the petrified boy, pulling him in close as Andy started to panic. 

The emergency room was uncharacteristically quiet; Andy had been brought back almost immediately. He was now curled up on the hospital bed, his stage clothes traded for a blue hospital gown that swallowed him whole. He had taken his makeup off while they waited for the taxi to arrive; ambulances were too expensive, and it was best the fans not know which wailing sirens and lights would not be conducive to. He looked so small and fragile lying there; his body rail thin. 

A nurse had come by earlier to take some blood, which hadn’t gone well. Matt thought the singer was going to fight the poor woman when she stuck his arm. For a guy who got famous off ‘stitches’, needles were not Andy’s thing. 

“Babe… don’t poke at that…” Matt sighed, leaning over from his seat and trying to stop Andy from pulling his IV out. 

The younger man was pretty out of it. Along with the IV drip, the nurse had also given him some pain medications for his throat. It had quelled his anxiety, relaxing him. 

“Mm… come lay down with me” Andy pouted, holding his hand out towards the other man. 

Now that the initial shock and worry had faded a bit, Matt was still kind of upset with Andy. It took literally puking blood to get the kid to even be somewhat forthcoming. Did he not see a problem with that? All the secrets he kept; all the destructive vices were catching up to him. 

“Andy, there’s not enough room for both of us, just rest until the doctor comes in, alright?” Matt felt bad when Andy frowned and pulled his hand back, fuck, what was he supposed to do? 

Matt was thankful when minutes later a man in a white coat pulled the curtain back, introducing himself. At least they would have answers, although the idea that something could be seriously wrong with Andy was weighing heavily on the older man’s mind. He had been going through all the horrible scenarios on the ride over, cancer, internal bleeding, ruptured vocal cords, some weird virus; it was all bad. 

“Alright, Mr. Biersack the results-” 

“Just call me Andy.” The singer interrupted the doctor, clearly not amusing the man. 

“Alright, Andy, the results of your tests are back. Looks like you have an ulcer that bled, and maybe a touch of laryngitis. Now, these things are pretty common, but I’ll give you an antibiotic and it should clear things up.” 

Andy felt a wave of relief come over him, “So that means I’ll be okay right?” he asked, his voice hoarse, but starting to return. 

“Yes, you’ll be fine. Just take it easy the next few days, and uh- try to avoid anything alcoholic or acidic.” 

Matt scooted forward in his chair a bit, “Hey doc, what causes these things… the ulcers that is?” the guitarist asked, ignoring the glare he got from Andy. 

“Oh, several things can cause them, excessive alcohol consumption, bad diet, stress, and some people just get them.” 

So basically, Andy’s entire lifestyle, how comforting, Matt thought. He was thankful that nothing was critically wrong with the singer, once again he had narrowly avoided disaster. Perhaps this would scare Andy enough to knock some sense into him; get him to clean up his act a little bit. 

“Does that mean I can leave now?” Andy sat up, antsy to leave before Matt could ask any more questions. 

“Not just yet. Your electrolytes were a bit off, and some of your other levels were a bit low. That’s probably just from dehydration, but I think it’s best if you finished the drip first. You’ll probably feel better.” The doctor replied, flipping through some labs on his clipboard. 

“Oh…” The younger man relaxed back against the bed, not happy about having to spend any more time hooked up to some salt bag. 

“I have to ask, do you drink? Smoke? Under stress? Any information you think I should know?” the doctor asked. 

“Yeah… I smoke and drink, but it’s not a lot.” Andy answered, blatantly lying to the man’s face. 

Matt noticed how the doctor kept glancing over at Andy, eyeing him suspiciously before scribbling some notes down on the clipboard. He’d been going back and forth in his mind as to whether or not he should tell the doctor what had happened. If he did, maybe this guy could help Andy? Of course, there was no way that would go over well with the singer, he seemed perfectly content with omitting that part. 

“Mhm… well, if you want my opinion you should work on quitting those things. It’s not good for your vocal cords or your health. There are things that can help you quit; I’ll add them to your discharge papers.” With that, he gave the younger man a nod and left the room. 

Andy looked over at Matt and smiled softly, “See, you were worried for nothing.” 

“Andy… you lied to him.” “What about the drinking? It’s no big deal.” The singer waved his hand, dismissing the concern. 

Matt opened his mouth to say more, but he was exhausted, it wasn’t worth the argument. It had been the most stressful day of the tour, possibly of any of the tours he’d been on. Between the fight on the bus, confessing his love, and then thinking Andy was literally dying, he was beaten. He just wanted to crawl into his bunk and sleep. It was easier to just let Andy live in his delusion for the time being. 

The guitarist was half asleep, the fatigue finally getting the best of him, when the doctor waltzed back in. He handed Andy some papers and the antibiotic prescription while a nurse worked on taking his IV out. The younger man seemed thrilled to finally be able to leave, quickly changing back into his clothes once the pair left. 

“Come on, I want to get out of here, it smells like disinfectant,” Andy said, wrinkling his nose. 

Matt stood up, stretching his arms above his head before tucking his phone in his back pocket and pulling the curtain back. The doctor that had seen Andy was sitting at his station, typing up notes on his computer. If he wanted to say anything, this was his last chance. If he loved Andy, this was the right thing to do, right? 

“Hey, you go on ahead, I’m going to grab something from the vending machine really quick,” the older man said, hoping the singer would just agree. 

“Yeah, sure… will you get me more gum if they have any?” Andy replied, raising an eyebrow. 

“For sure, tell the guys I’m right behind you.” Matt watched as Andy shrugged, turning and walking towards the large metal doors that led to the exit. 

He had to be quick he thought to himself, waiting until Andy was out of sight before slipping around the corner and approaching the doctor. The middle-aged man glanced up from his notes, sitting back in his chair, “Can I help you?” 

“Hey… um,” Matt let out a shaky breath, his palms feeling sweaty, “He uh… he left some stuff out… and I’m just so worried about him…” 

“He drinks more than a little… it’s quite a lot actually. And… I think he’s been you know… making himself sick. I think he did tonight… I mean, I guess I know he did… and I don’t know… I don’t know if that could have caused the thing you said he has but… I just feel like he’s in denial about things… and, fuck I don’t even know what I expect you to do but I just had to tell you.” Matt rambled, realizing he was just trying to get confirmation that he wasn’t crazy. 

The doctor’s brow furrowed as he nodded; he seemed unsurprised at everything Matt was telling him. “I see. It certainly possible that had something to do with what happened tonight. I can’t discuss his results with you, but I think you’re right to be concerned.” 

The man fumbled around, searching through different stacks of papers and pamphlets before grabbing one and holding it out. “There’s some resources on here and information on eating disorders. I’m sorry I can’t help you any more than that, he’s an adult and unless his life is at imminent risk, I’m afraid I can’t do much else.” 

Matt took the pamphlet, glancing down at the cover before folding it and putting it in his back pocket. He didn’t know what he expected, but he still felt a little disappointed. It was this guy’s job to make people better, right? 

“Try talking to him, he put you down as his emergency contact, he must trust you.” The doctor offered, glancing down at the intake papers with Andy’s name on them. 

Andy leaned back against the wall, shaking his head in disbelief. He couldn’t make out all the words that were being said, they were both speaking too softly, but he saw Matt tuck something into his back pocket. It could have been anything, maybe Matt had a question about himself. The singer was too paranoid to actually believe that though. He saw the look on Matt’s face in the room, how he bit at his fingernails, anxiously. How he butted into the conversation… 

The singer hurried down the hallway as Matt’s footsteps approached, making it through the sliding glass doors before he turned the corner. Andy’s hands shook as he lit a cigarette, trying to make it look like he was just getting a quick smoke in before they left. 

The older man emerged from the building a few minutes later, a soda in his hand. Andy eyed him closely, noticing the paper protruding from his pocket. Should he just grab it, or wait until Matt fell asleep? 

“Hey, sorry, they didn’t have any gum. Craig might have some on the bus, I’m sure he’ll share.” Matt said, cracking the can of soda open. 

“Mm, yeah… it’s all right. Don’t worry about it.” Andy blew a smoke ring into the night air, trying not to let on that he had been spying on the older man. 

“I’m glad you’re okay though… you really scared me.” Matt said, forcing a small smile. 

“Me too…” 

\--

Andy could hear the shower running as he walked past the bathroom. Matt was in there; the singer didn’t know for how long, but it was his chance to snoop. The guitarist had stripped his shirt and pants off, throwing them into his bunk before retreating to the small bathroom. The rest of the guys were upfront, watching some B-list horror movie and drinking beers, leaving the singer alone. 

He glanced over at the wooden door, assuring himself that it wouldn’t swing open all of a sudden before climbing into the older man’s bunk. Part of him felt guilty, this was an invasion of privacy, but then again had Matt not invaded his? Fair is fair. He grabbed the black skinny jeans Matt had been wearing, pulling a folded blue pamphlet out of one of the pockets. 

Andy’s heart raced as he unfolded it, his eyes scanning the piece of paper. ‘Eating disorders in adults and teens’ it read in white bolded letters. What the fuck… He flipped it over, there were numbers listed, definitions, and a section called ‘warning signs’. The anxiety turned to rage; so that’s what Matt was talking to the doctor about behind his back? What made him think he had any right to assume shit like that, let alone say something to his doctor? 

The singer grabbed his batman lighter from his pocket, flicking the flame open and holding the piece of paper above it. The edged turned black as it burned, ashes falling onto the bedsheets. His eyes fixated on the flame as the words disappeared, turning to ash. He blew it out before it reached his fingertips, letting the last of it fall onto the bed. He tossed his lighter on top, wanting Matt to know just what he thought about his little intervention. He couldn’t trust anyone. 

Matt toweled his hair off, making his way into the bunk area. The air smelled strange like something was burning. Who the fuck would be lighting fires on a tour bus? The guitarist pulled the curtain to his back, muttering a quiet ‘what the fuck’ when he saw the ashes littering his sheets. 

His heart stopped when he saw Andy’s lighter sitting on top of the pamphlet remnants, the source of the smell obvious. Fuck…


	13. Graveyard Dancing

**Chapter Thirteen: Graveyard Dancing**

Andy bit at his lip ring, waiting for the door to the back of the bus to open. He’d been planning what he’d say for the last twenty minutes, going back and forth between just punching Matt or letting him have it. He still wasn’t decided when the doorknob clicked, turning as the older man slowly pushed the door open.

His face looked tired, completely void of emotion as he shut the door behind him. The guitarist crossed his arms, leaning back against the wall, the lighter in between his fingers.

The singer swallowed hard; after the day he’d had, did he really want to get into another fight with Matt? The only person who had been consistently in his corner since day one? That’s why it hurt so bad that the man he went behind his back, told his secrets to a complete stranger. He was supposed to be able to trust Matt…

“Andy… listen…” The older man finally broke the silence, hanging his head and looking down at his feet.

“Fuck you. You went behind my back. You didn’t have any right to do that!” The singer shot back, cutting the man off.

Matt didn’t seem phased by the harsh words or tone; he just shrugged his shoulders. The lack of a reaction only made Andy’s emotions intensify, the worst part was he didn’t even know what he was feeling. The day had been such a whirlwind of emotions, his brain was exhausted, his heart heavy.

“No, Andy. You lied, not just to me, but to the doctor. You put yourself at risk, and because I _love_ you, I had to tell the doctor.”

There were those words again. Only this time they didn’t bring the calmness and serenity they did before, it was only fuel to the fire. How could Matt love him, but betray his trust like that? There was a voice in the back of the singer’s brain telling him he was being irrational. If he was in Matt’s shoes, would he not have done the same thing?

“You don’t love me! You’re lying to me!” Andy yelled loud enough for the whole bus to hear. Someone’s voice was clearly back…

“Stop yelling,” Matt said in a flat tone, rubbing his temples. “I’m sorry you feel betrayed, but I’m not sorry for trying to protect you. You scared the shit out of me tonight, Andy.”

Andy opened his mouth to say something else, but Matt beat him to it. “Do you really want to fight with me right now? Cause that’s all we seem to do. Or do you want to drop the fucking bullshit and let me be there for you…”

The singer looked down at this lap, his breathing shaky as he tried to fight back tears. Of course, he didn’t want to fight with Matt. He didn’t even know why he was acting the way he was. He didn’t know if it was his pride or all the shit going on in his head that made him push away any form of comfort.

He was so scared to open up to someone, even Matt. He’d been burned too many times before. At the same time, he was petrified of losing Matt, he didn’t have anyone else. Jinxx, Jake, and CC were his friends, but it had always been a business relationship. Matt… he actually cared. Andy knew he was pushing him away, self-sabotaging his own happiness.

“No… I don’t want to fight with you…” Andy whispered, the anger subsiding as it gave way to the real emotions he’d been trying to suppress.

Matt pushed his hair back, sighing. He made his way over to the sulking singer, sitting down beside him on the couch. It was obvious that Andy was overwhelmed, the poor thing needed to go to sleep. One more show and they would have a day off, they both needed that.

“I know you may be angry, but I promise you I would never do anything to hurt you on purpose. I just… I don’t want to see you get hurt…” Matt pulled the singer into his arms, the smell of Andy’s cologne filling his senses.

Andy felt his eyes water, desperately trying to keep the tears from falling. It made him feel weak and he hated that feeling. He needed a drink, but there was no way Matt would let him, not after the doctor told him to stay away from alcohol. Sobering up was the last thing he wanted to do, all his emotions would hit him at once, and that just wasn’t something he could handle.

“I’m sorry I’m so fucked up…” Andy choked out, losing his battle to keep the tears at bay.

Matt pulled back, holding the singer’s face in his hands. Tears fell down Andy’s pale cheeks, and it broke the older man’s heart. He leaned in, kissing them away, placing a final kiss against Andy’s forehead. “You don’t have to apologize for anything, love.”

Fuck it, he would take the leap of faith.

  
“Matt?” the singer whispered, afraid of the words he was about to say.

“Yes?”

  
“I think I have a problem… I-I thought I had it under control,” Andy felt his heart speed up as his brain screamed at him to just shut up. “You have to understand… I can’t go back to being the fat kid… and I thought I would just watch what I ate but…”

Andy paused, choking up. He didn’t expect to get as emotional about the subject as he was. “But… fuck, I just can’t seem to keep control… so yes, I made myself throw up at that diner… and again tonight. And there’s been other times too…”

The singer braced himself for a lecture, disgust, anything. How could Matt not think he was a freak? His anxiety was eating him alive as the older man just sat there, deep in thought. Andy had never said those words out loud before, his own parents didn’t even know he’d been struggling since he was fifteen.

As far as they knew, he had just slimmed down during puberty. No one knew, sure people talked, but no one _knew_. Now Matt knew.

“Andy… god, I’m so sorry… tell me how I can help you…” Matt was shocked at the blunt honesty; a rarity from the younger man.

“I don’t know that you can…”  
“Andy, you can’t keep hurting yourself. You do _want_ to get better, right?” Matt asked, not sure if he would like the answer he got. 

“I don’t know if I do or not.” Andy swallowed hard; Matt wanted honesty, well there it was.

The older man blinked in shock. How could Andy not want to get better, why would anyone want to continue such destructive behaviors? He could see how much it pained the singer to talk about things, at any moment he would probably shut back down. Andy was safe for the time being, perhaps it was a conversation they should have another time. The day had been long enough.

“Okay… we’ll just take it one day at a time.” Matt spoke softly, pulling the other man into a warm embrace. “I love you so much… no matter what.”

Andy wanted to say the words back, but he couldn’t. He felt it, as much as he tried to deny it, he was madly in love with the older man. He just couldn’t make his tongue speak. He didn’t deserve Matt’s love.

Matt woke up to sunlight seeping into his bunk from behind the curtain. He had no idea what time it was, but from the sound of it they were on the highway still. Andy was fast asleep, curled up to the older man’s side with his head on his chest. He looked so beautiful, so peaceful like that.

The guitarist was feeling more like his usual self now that he’d gotten some sleep. The previous day had drained him, and he could only imagine what it had been like for Andy. That’s why he told himself not to take Andy’s silence at his second confession of love too seriously. He would say it when the time was right… at least Matt hoped so.

Andy stirred, mumbling something that sounded like ‘what time is it?’. Baby blue eyes fluttered open, looking up at the older man.

Matt grabbed his phone, flipping through a couple of texts and notifications. “It’s noon, looks like we should get to the venue in a few hours.”

“Mm, as long as I don’t have to get up yet.” Andy groaned.

As much as Matt was enjoying the simplicity of just lying in bed with Andy, having the singer pressed up against him was causing other ‘issues’. Would Andy get mad if he asked for a blow job, would that ruin the moment? No, Andy needed to rest his throat, he should probably just go take a cold shower.

“You’re welcome to try and get some more sleep if you want, but I think I’m going to try and beat the other guys to the shower.”  
“You better not use up all the hot water.” Andy chuckled, propping his head up with his hand.

“I mean… you’re welcome to join me.” Matt smirked, after all the stress Andy put him through yesterday, it would be nice though…

“Yeah?”  
“Yeah.” Matt echoed.

The rest of the guys were still asleep as the pair made their way towards the bathroom, careful not to wake any of them. It was a tight fit, but Andy didn’t take up much room. Matt started the water, glancing over his shoulder just as the younger man was stripping down.

The guitarist wasn’t sure how much longer he could hold out. He didn’t want to push Andy to do anything unless he wanted to, but goddamn… it was getting harder by the day.

“Fucking hell…” Matt muttered under his breath.

“What?” Andy asked, suddenly feeling self-conscious as he stepped into the stream of warm water.

“You’re just… wow. Amazing.” The older man laughed, feeling like a lovesick teenage boy.

Andy rolled his eyes playfully, pulling the shower door closed. “You’re weird.”

Matt dropped his sweatpants to the ground, awkwardly trying to cover his hard-on as he stepped in after the singer. The guitarist bit his lip, watching as the water ran down the singer’s body. Andy turned around, raising an eyebrow at the older man’s desperate attempt to hide his obvious erection.

“What? Don’t look at me like that, you’re really hot.” Matt huffed.

“Yeah?” Andy smirked, stepping closer.

Matt rested his hands on the singer’s hip bones, biting back a moan when Andy started kissing on his neck. He let his eyes slip shut, his hand going down to stroke his own cock. All he could think about was how hot it would be to have Andy pressed against the shower wall.

Andy sunk down to his knees, replacing Matt’s hand with his own, earning moans of pleasure from the man.

“Fuck…” Matt’s hips buckled as he felt the warmth of Andy’s mouth around the head of his cock.

He laced his fingers in Andy’s wet hair, opening his eyes to watch the beautiful scene playing out in front of him. “God… that’s it babe…” he moaned, moving his hips in a steady rhythm.

There wasn’t going to be any warm water left for the other guys by the time the two were done. Matt didn’t feel sorry about it. 


	14. I'm Here To Take You To the Sky

**Chapter Fourteen: I’m Here to Take You to the Sky**

“That was the stupidest movie I’ve ever seen.” Andy laughed, pushing the door to the theatre open.

“Oh, come on, it wasn’t _that_ bad.” Matt rolled his eyes, stepping out into the parking lot. “Besides, it’s not like you paid for it.” He added, poking at the singer’s arm.

The two walked through the abandoned outdoor mall, the night air unseasonably warm. The older man linked their pinkies together, smiling gently as Andy’s cheeks blushed a faint pink. The wandered aimlessly, only a couple of bars and restaurants still open.

They were making the most of their day off, the show the night before had gone well. Despite not following the doctor’s orders about no alcohol, Andy seemed to be feeling much better. Matt figured a couple of glasses of red wine was better than straight whiskey, so he didn’t put up too much of a fuss.

After all the stress and anxiety, a day of lighthearted fun was exactly what he needed. The two had gone to a nearby theatre, picking some random action movie to see. It wasn’t as horrible as Andy was making it out to be, Matt was pretty sure he just liked to complain. It wasn’t cinematic gold, but he enjoyed it.

“Yeah, but you have terrible taste in movies.” Andy teased, knocking his shoulder into the guitarist.

“Says the dude that likes the Batman movies.”

“Okay, Harry Potter,” Andy smirked.

“Shut up, those are good movies. Now, you’re being an asshole.” Matt huffed, enjoying the genuine smile on Andy’s face.

Andy rested his head against the taller man’s shoulder as they made their way through the maze of shops. He was surprised at the feeling in his chest, things had been pretty dark, but today had been good. The singer actually felt happy and carefree; it was a welcome change.

“How about this, when we get back to the hotel, you can pick a movie to watch,” Matt added, rounding the corner.

“Deal” Andy retorted, not wanting the night to end.

Matt glanced over at the singer, he looked absolutely gorgeous. The black eyeshadow he was wearing made his crystal blue eyes pop. His long black hair was soft and freshly washed. He couldn’t believe that someone so beautiful would give him the time of day.

The guitarist grabbed the boy’s hand, pulling him back into his arms. There was only a couple of cars in the parking lot, it was as if they had the whole world to themselves. They could be together without any assholes judging them or calling them names. Matt knew that’s what Andy worried about, and the reason they had to keep things under wraps.

Andy could feel butterflies in his stomach, his knees felt weak, but in a good way. The type of feeling that made everything else melt away except the one person who mattered. It was a strange feeling, it made him feel vulnerable, but he didn’t care. _Fuck, this is love_ , he thought to himself.

Matt cupped the singer’s face in his hands, leaning in to place a gentle kiss on his lips.

Andy wondered if Matt could hear his heart pounding in his chest, “I love you…” he spoke softly.

The older man’s heart skipped a beat at the words. The way the sentence sounded coming out of Andy’s mouth made him feel like he’d won the lottery. Their lips met again, this time with an intense passion, moving together in sync.

Matt was still floating on cloud nine by the time they made it back to the hotel. Andy had said it back, and nothing else mattered. The world could wait.

“I think I’m going to order something from room service, do you want anything?” the guitarist asked, sliding his key card into the slot.

The guitarist silently hoped that Andy would say yes. All the singer had to eat that day was some weird latte thing from Starbucks and a few of his fries at lunch. It was progress though.

“You know… a bottle of wine would be pretty nice.” Andy pouted; why was Matt surprised.

“I guess it would be, but you’re sharing.” The older man warned, playfully pointing a finger at the man.

Andy plopped down on the king-sized bed, flipping through channels on the TV. Matt made a mental reminder to thank John for the wonderful room selection. He flipped through the menu, it was already past ten, limiting most of his options.

“Fuck it, I’m getting this chocolate cake. That goes well with red wine, right?” Matt announced, earning a laugh from the singer.

“Cake for dinner?” Andy teased, raising an eyebrow. “How old are you again?”

“Uh, old enough to have cake for dinner.” He grabbed the room phone, dialing the number for room service. Andy shook his head, earning a pillow to the head from Matt.

Andy settled on some sci-fi movie, cuddling up to Matt’s side while they waited. The older man wrapped an arm around the singer, soaking in every minute of togetherness they had.

“You’re gonna hurt your teeth doing that, oh my god, Andy.” Matt busted out laughing as the singer bit down on the cork, popping it off effortlessly.

“No, I’m not. I’m a professional.” He shot back, filling the two wine glasses with a generous amount of the ruby red liquid.

Matt rolled his eyes, grabbing a fork and digging into the decadent slice of chocolate cake in front of him. Andy laid back against the pillows, sipping on his glass, watching the man.

“You know you want to try it.” The older man said, holding a fork full out to the singer.

Andy made a face; it did actually look really good he thought to himself. Matt waived it around, tempting the man to take a bite. _Fuck it_ ; he leaned in, allowing the guitarist to feed it to him.

Matt watched as Andy wiped the icing from his lips with his thumb before licking it off. That probably shouldn’t turn him on, but the wine was starting to get to him. “It’s it amazing?”

“I guess it’s pretty good,” Andy admitted, finishing his glass of wine. He was feeling tipsy as well and he currently couldn't care less about the food.

He scooted closer to the older man, biting at his lip ring. Matt was looking particularly handsome; clean-shaven and wearing the most amazing smelling cologne. It had been driving the singer crazy all day.

“More?” Matt offered, holding the fork back out.

Andy leaned in, keeping eye contact with the older man as he took the offering. Matt didn’t need another hint. He set his empty plate on the side table, turning his attention to something much more appealing.

“How was your wine, love?”

“Mm… it was good.” Andy purred before letting his lips brush up against the guitarist’s.

Matt moved his hands up to Andy’s waist, pulling him close and deepening the kiss. The singer let out a soft man as the other man nipped at his bottom lip. Fuck… Andy wanted him so badly…

“You have no idea what you do to me…” Matt whispered against Andy’s lips, slipping his hand up the boy’s shirt.

“I have an idea.” Andy’s voice was low and seductive; his fingers tugging at the end of the other man’s shirt.

Matt stripped it off, tossing it onto the floor. He could feel Andy’s rapid pulse as he placed kissing over his neck and jaw. The way the singer’s fingertips felt as the glided over his chest made the front of his jeans grow tighter.

Andy’s shirt was next, joining his on the floor. He could sense that the younger man was a bit self-conscious, although he couldn’t understand why. Matt kissed down the man’s torso, over his tight stomach.

“F-Fuck…” Andy gasped as he hit a sensitive spot right above the waistband on his jeans.

“Beautiful…” Matt mumbled, rubbing his hand against the front of the singer’s skinny jeans.

Andy closed his eyes, arching his back, moaning at the friction. The rest of their clothes ended up in the pile. The two of them naked under the covers as they explored each other’s bodies.

Andy’s heart was racing, mostly from anticipation and desire, but partly from nerves. He didn’t want to do anything wrong; it was uncharted territory for him. He felt safe with Matt, he trusted him.

“Y-You’ve done this before?” Andy asked, surprised at how small his voice sounded.

“Yes, love. Is that what you want to do?” Matt’s hand slid down the boy’s thigh; fuck, Andy’s body was amazing.

“Yes… just… go slow.”

“Of course, baby,” Matt whispered, kissing Andy tenderly.

Matt leaned over, grabbing something from his bag on the floor. Returning to embrace the singer again, “Relax…” he purred.

“Ah-” Andy tensed up as he felt a lubed finger press into him. Matt let him get used to the feeling before slowly moving it in and out, teasing his entrance.

The singer relaxed, the strange sensation starting to feel kind of good. He couldn’t help but let out an audible moan when the man curled his finger. Brushing up against something that sent shock waves through him.

“F-Fuck…” Andy gasped, digging his nails into Matt’s arms.

“Found it.” The older man chuckled.

The next finger made Andy tense back up. _Am I really about to do this?_ he thought to himself. The singer closed his eyes. He gasped as the man’s fingers hit the sensitive bundle of nerves again. “F-Fuck Matt…”

Matt looked down at the boy underneath him, the pleasure evident in the younger man’s face. Andy looked so beautiful. He shifted the singer’s hips in line with his, his cock aching from all the foreplay.

“Wrap your legs around me” The older man instructed.

Andy complied, his heart beating so fast he thought it would explode. Matt bit back a moan as he pressed into the singer, cursing under his breath at how tight he was. Andy’s lips parted as he let out a gasp.

“Fuck, you feel so good…” Matt moaned, holding onto Andy’s hips as he guided his cock into him.

The singer whimpered at the pain it caused. The guitarist leaned down, lacing his fingers with the singer’s as he started to build a slow but steady rhythm. The pain started to give way as Andy relaxed. The new sensation actually felt good; really good. 

Matt had to concentrate on not coming after a few strokes, the sounds Andy was making weren’t helping. The singer wrapped his arms around the older man, holding onto him as Matt’s thrust started to go harder and deeper.

“Mm, fuck, right there-” Andy cried out as Matt hit just the right angle.

After all the disappointing hookups, was this what actual pleasure felt like? Andy wondered. Normally, he tried to rush through things, wanting it to be over as soon as it started. Not this time, he didn’t want this to ever end. He could feel the familiar ache in his gut starting to build as Matt’s thrusts sped up.

“Fuck, Matt… fuck” he gasped, reaching down to stroke himself.

“God, you’re fucking perfect,” Matt whispered, grabbing the younger man’s jaw, kissing him.

Andy moaned into the kiss, completely overwhelmed by the pleasure. Matt could feel the singer’s muscles starting to clench around him, he was close. “Come for me, baby”

“Fuck, I’m so close, d-don’t stop…” Andy begged, his eyes slipping shuts as an intense climax overcame him.

Andy cried out the other man’s name so loud as he came, Matt was pretty sure it woke the people next to them. _Oops, you know what they say about singers._ The display was enough to send him over the edge, gripping the baseboard as he came deep inside the younger man.

Matt caressed Andy’s cheek as the boy rode out his orgasm, his body still shaking. “I love you.” He whispered, leaning down to kiss him again.

“I l-love you too…” Andy gasped, still out of breath.

Matt collapsed next to the singer, wrapping his arms around him. Andy rested his head against the other man’s chest, listening to the rhythmic beating inside it. He liked how it felt to be in Matt’s arms. They were warm and safe.

It was strange to actually be in someone’s arms after sex. This was normally the part where he kicked the other person out. He had to admit, this was a lot better.

Matt ended up having to carry Andy into the bathroom to shower. If he didn't think younger man would try to kill him, Matt would have tried for round two. Instead, he settled for a steamy make-out session.

Andy fell asleep almost immediately, once they were back in bed, a smile on his beautiful lips. Matt stroked the younger man’s hair, wishing he could capture the moment to keep forever.

This was heaven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I start back classes on Monday, so updates will be a little slower. But I fully intend to keep updating this story as well as my Andy/Ronnie one.


	15. Ohio Is for Lovers

**Chapter Fifteen: Ohio Is for Lovers**

Andy chewed at his lip ring nervously. The anxiety in his stomach mixed with the moving bus was causing him to feel sick. He let out a shaky breath, trying to force his mind from concocting worst-case scenarios. Try as he might, it didn’t work.

Ohio. There was always apprehension at the thought of playing a show in his home state. While he did enjoy seeing his family, coming home also meant seeing all the people routing for him to fail. At first, he expected the people from his hometown to be proud of him. Wouldn’t they want to celebrate him and his success? He had made something of his life, even after being told ‘pick a new career’ or that he’d never amount to anything. Yet, no one seemed to give a shit.

The radio stations didn’t play his music. The ‘cool’ guys still thought he was a joke. And the people who told him he was crazy for wanting to be a rock star never admitted they were wrong. His parents and grandparents were the only ones in the whole state that seemed to care.

The singer still remembered the first tour they played Ohio. Several kids from his high school that had bullied him came. They flipped him off, screamed slurs at him, and hurled the same insults they’d used in school. Andy knew they wouldn’t miss another chance to bring him down.

“Hey… are you okay?” Matt asked, nudging the younger man’s arm.

Andy snapped out of his daydreaming, looking over at the man, “I’m fine…”

Matt sighed; he knew Andy had been dreading this stop the whole tour. The guitarist had tried to tell him to ignore those assholes, they didn’t matter anymore. At the end of the day Andy was the one on stage living his dream and they were still stuck in their hometown. The singer had a bad habit of fixating on the negative.

“Listen, you don’t know anything bad is going to happen tonight. No use worrying about it now.” He tried to soothe the boy, stroking the back of his hand.

“It happens _every_ time we play a show here. It’s not going to be any different tonight.” Andy insisted.

“Well, then fuck it. Focus on the fact that your parents are going to take the whole band out to dinner after the show. That means free food for me.” Matt teased, trying to lighten the mood.

Andy rolled his eyes at the comment. Instead of bringing him relief, it only brought up another issue. His parents. Should he tell them about Matt? It was possible they would figure it out for themselves; was that any better? His mom and dad both loved Matt. They had met him the last time they’d toured together, but that was then. Things were different now.

Over the past week, the two had grown even closer. After making the leap of intimacy they couldn't keep their hands off each other. Thanks to Andy’s inability to be quiet both his band and Matt’s had figured it out. Ashley had made some snide comments. But everyone else seemed to be rather unsurprised. It did make Andy nervous though, the more people who knew, the more likely it was to get out.

He wasn't ashamed to be with Matt, quite the opposite. He was afraid of what people would say. People already called him names for the way he looked. What would the fans say? He liked to think most of them would support him. But it also wasn’t lost on him that a lot of his fans were fans because of his looks. If they realized he would never be interested in them, would they stick around?

“Not to put any pressure on you… but are you going to tell your parents? You know, about us.” The older man asked, not sure how Andy would respond.

“I uh… I don’t know…” Andy whispered, unsure of his answer.

He doubted his parents would care; they would be happy as long as he was. It was a big step though. It wasn’t that Matt had never met his parents, he had. Things were different now, ‘meeting the parents’ made things serious.

He clutched at the rosary around his neck; wishing it would give him the comfort it was supposed to bring.

“Yeah, but your parents love me. I think they’ll be happy that you’re happy.” Matt replied.

Matt rubbed calming circles over the singer’s back. He could tell how anxious the man was, and he wished there was something he could say or do to make him feel better. Andy had been doing a lot better over the past week. Maybe it was the high of their honeymoon phase. But he’d kept the drinking to an acceptable level and had actually been eating.

The younger man looked better too. His face didn’t look as sunken in and his skin had a radiant glow to it. He’d been in a better mood and seemed all-around happier. It made Matt’s heart light up with joy. Andy deserved happiness; he’d been in the dark for so long. The older man hoped it would last.

“It’s up to you, babe. I love you no matter what.” Matt kissed the side of Andy’s cheek.

“I love you too.” Andy smiled, leaning his head against the other man’s shoulder.

\----

Chris gave his son a quick hug, patting him on the back. “I might be a little biased but that was the best rock show I’ve ever seen. Well done kid.”

“You did great, sweetie.” His mom gushed.

Andy smiled at his parents; his mind still preoccupied with the group of guys he’d gone off on. He’d called it. Several guys from his old school had come to the show, jeering and yelling at him. The singer had tried to ignore the childish behavior, but eventually, it got the best of him. Compared to other shows he’d kept it tame, but many F-bombs had been dropped.

“And fuck those assholes, they wouldn’t know real music if it bit them in the ass.” His dad added, chuckling.

The singer nodded, his heart skipping a beat when Matt walked off his bus. He watched as his parents both greeted him, clueless at how their dynamic had changed.

Matt gave Andy a reassuring smile as the group headed into the Denny’s. It was the only place open late. Post-show meals on tour consisted almost exclusively of breakfast diners, 24/7 convivence stores, and the occasional late-night Chinese restaurants. It wasn’t exactly five-star dining, but it would do. 

“You boys order whatever you’d like. It’s on us.” Chris announced to the table, taking his seat across from Andy.

“You’re the best Mr. Biersack,” Matt commented, planning to take full advantage of the offer.

Matt took his seat next to Andy who was nervously fidgeting with his nails under the table. He placed his hand over the singer’s, out of view from everyone. Andy was overthinking things, but he still hated seeing him in distress.

“Yes, please. I want you boys fed. I know it’s hard on tour; got to keep your strength up.” Amy added, looking over at her son. The comment was directed at him.

Andy’s eyes met hers. His mom worried about him; he could tell. She had made a comment at the venue that he was looking ‘too skinny’, she’d been looking through photos from previous shows as well. She’d asked him if everything was alright, that she was always there for him if he needed something. He couldn’t tell if she thought he was on drugs, broke, or if she knew. 

The singer was grateful that Matt was good at making small talk with his parents. They did seem to like him, maybe it was time to tell them. Not in front of everyone of course, but later, before they had to leave.

The food came quick. Further preoccupying everyone while Andy mulled the idea over in his head. He’d ordered pancakes with a side of bacon, not intending on eating much of either. Even if he wanted too, he was too nervous. His stomach was still doing flips at the thought of telling them, or not telling them a risk upsetting Matt. The older man had left it up to Andy to decide, but the singer knew which option Matt preferred.

Matt glanced over at the younger man, a little disheartened that Andy had barely touched his food. He was quiet; never a good sign.

“So, you didn’t tell us, son, did you ever find your own place in L.A?” his dad asked, switching the subject of conversation.

“Oh… uh, not yet… it’s pretty expensive to rent places out there. No use when we’re always on tour.” Andy had forgotten he told his parents he planned on moving into his own apartment.

They had yet to see the shithole he lived in, but they knew he slept on a mattress at Jake’s apartment. It was his mom who had insisted he work on finding a place he could call his own. Andy didn’t see the point in spending all that money for an apartment he’d be at for a couple of weeks between tours.

“What about you Matt?”

“You know I’ve actually considered trying to find a nice condo or something. Sharing a tiny apartment with a whole bunch of dudes is getting kind of tiresome.” Matt answered, stealing a piece of Andy’s bacon.

“Well, the two of you could be roommates. You’ve been friends for a while now, right?” Amy interjected, causing Andy to almost choke on his drink.

“I wouldn’t be opposed it to… yeah, that would work. Maybe we should look in that when we get back.” Matt smiled at Andy.

Andy’s eyes went wide at the suggestion. Matt couldn’t be serious; it was probably to humor his parents. They had been dating for a few weeks, moving in together was a lot. He wasn’t completely against the idea, but what if they started fighting or things didn’t work out? Things had been good between them, but how long would that last? What if he fucked it up?

“Uh… yeah, we can look around.” Andy replied, trying to sound nonchalant.

Andy kept his eyes on the ground as the group walked out of the restaurant, all laughing and joking. After the conversation about apartments, the rest of the dinner had been uneventful. The nervous feeling in his stomach hadn’t gotten any better. A couple of times he thought he might actually get sick. Thoughts kept swirling in his head. Self-sabotaging doubts that wouldn’t leave him alone. 

How could Matt be so calm? He had taken the suggestion to move in together like it was nothing. He was so sure of things; how could he be? In the back of Andy’s mind, he feared that one day the older man would wake up and decided he was done. That he’d be discarded and replaced for someone better. 

The rest of the guys had already loaded the bus, leaving him, Matt, and his parents in the parking lot. Matt kept glancing over to him, waiting for him to say something.

“So how have things been on tour so far? Well, I hope.” His mom asked, breaking the silence.

“It’s been fine…” Andy looked down at his boots, chewing at his lip.

Say it. Andy told himself, the look on his parent’s face told him they knew something was up.

“Actually, things have been more than fine lately… um, I found someone that makes me really happy.” The singer took a deep breath, forcing a smile to hide the nervousness.

His mom’s face lit up, excited by the news. “Did you meet her on tour?”

“Uh… kind of. We did meet on tour, I guess.”

Andy’s dad raised an eyebrow, looking between the two men in front of him. He chuckled, starting to see what was going on.

“It's not a girl... it’s… Matt.” Andy braced himself for their reactions. Searching their expressions for any sign of disapproval.

Matt put an arm around Andy, shocked that that singer actually did it. He had half expected him to back out last minute.

“T-That wasn’t why you looked so worried was it? To tell us. Honey, that wonderful. We were so worried about you being all the way out there by yourself.” his mom exclaimed, pulling Andy into a hug.

“I’m happy for you kid, you know we love Matt,” Chris added, giving the guitarist a pat on the back.

Andy let out a sigh of relief, the weight lifting off his shoulders. He smiled; this time genuine. 

The singer’s anxiety seemed to vanish as he opened up, joking around and laughing with his parents. Matt chuckled as Andy told some of the more ‘PG’ tour stories, happy to see him enjoying himself. It came time to say their goodbyes; it was well past midnight and almost bus call.

Andy hugged his parents. Waving as their car pulled out of the parking lot before turning to the guitarist. Matt ducked down, pecking his lips. “See, told you they love me. You were worrying over nothing.”

“Yeah… I guess I was.” Andy brushed his hair back, fluffing it.

Should he bring up the comment about moving in together? Matt hadn’t meant it as in now, right? Maybe eventually, but not now. Things were still new. They still had things to figure out about each other. Living together on tour wasn’t the same as living together back home. He should ask him; it would put his mind at ease. Matt had said that to humor his parents Andy told himself.

Andy cleared his throat, trying to come up with the best way of broaching the subject. “You uh, didn’t tell me you’re planning on moving into your own place…”

Great job, real subtle. Andy could feel his heart racing in his chest. Matt tucked his hands into his pockets, laughing nervously. Fuck.

“Yeah… why not? It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while…” the older man trailed off.

“It would be kind of nice to have a place of your own. And whenever I stay the night, we’ll have the whole place to ourselves.” Andy deliberately put emphasis on ‘stay the night’. Hoping it would elicit a response from the other man.

Matt hesitated, sensing that Andy hadn’t taken his earlier remarks as serious. “I doubt I could afford a place on my own, I’d have to have a roommate…”

“Oh, well that’s fine... we can be quiet.”

“One, you don’t have the ability to be quiet. Second…” The guitarist rubbed the back of his neck, “that’s not exactly what I have in mind.”

Matt took Andy’s hand in his, pulling him closer. “Move in with me… just us.”

Andy’s heart skipped a beat, panicking to come up with an answer. If he told Matt no or waiver on his response it would crush the man. He opened his mouth, but his words failed him.

“You want me to move in with you?”

“You don’t have to, of course. I know it’s kind of fast or whatever, but it’s not like we weren’t already best friends.” Matt was starting to regret asking the singer, Andy seemed a bit timid.

Matt wanted to live together. What did that mean? If they moved into the same place, what was the next step… marriage? No, no, no, no, it’s way too early for that. Andy wasn’t sure he even wanted to get married, to anyone. What was the alternative, breaking up? He didn’t want that.

“Shit… forget I mentioned it… it’s uh, it was just an idea.” Matt tried to backtrack, sensing he wasn’t going to like the man’s response.

“No, Matt-” Andy tripped over his words, his heart taking over for his brain. “Yes, I’ll move in with you…” The euphoria of the moment overcame his doubts and concerns. A rush of endorphins dulling his anxiety.

“Really? Alright, fuck, um… I guess we can start looking for a place then.” Matt smiled.

The older man wrapped his arms around the singer, kissing him. The shock wouldn’t set in until later.


	16. Sit Back, Relapse Again

**Chapter Sixteen: Sit Back, Relapse Again**

“Andy let’s go. You’ve been in there for almost fifteen minutes, the bus is leaving.” Matt groaned, pounding on the bathroom door.

They were already behind, having spent too much time fooling around in bed. It wasn’t even the guitarist’s fault this time. Andy had woken up in a playful mood, waking the older man up by climbing on top of him. Matt was far too weak to resist an open invitation. He couldn’t think of a better way to start his morning than with Andy riding him.

The morning randevu had caused them to lose time. Barely getting their stuff packed before John came by the room to tell them it was time to go. Andy wanted to shower at the hotel, promising he’d only be ‘a few minutes’. Matt had stupidly believed him.

“Fuck, give me a minute!” The singer yelled from the bathroom, sounding frustrated.

Andy cursed under his breath, forcing the zipper of his skinny jeans up. He liked his jeans impossibly tight, but they definitely weren’t this hard to get on at the start of the tour. He’d spent the past fifteen minutes trying to convince himself he was bloated from drinking. That, or it was the pizza.

The singer turned to the side, viewing his waist in the mirror. He sucked his stomach in, running his hand over it. The late-night splurges and beers with Matt had to stop he told himself. Over the past few weeks, he’d made an effort to be better. After ending up in the ER he knew he couldn’t keep doing that to himself or to Matt. The high of his new romance had kept his mind off old vices, but that was starting to fade. He was coming back down to reality.

He knew he was starting to slip. Since the Ohio stop, it had been creeping in. Taking over his brain like a parasite. With only a week left on tour, that meant soon he and Matt would be picking out a place to live. Things were moving too fast, he felt out of control. And that was a dangerous feeling.

“Jesus Christ, what the fuck took you so long?” Matt asked as Andy finally emerged.

“I was getting ready, sorry.” Andy rolled his eyes, grabbing his bag from the dresser.

“Whoa, what’s with the attitude? I’m in a great mood.” The older man laughed, raising an eyebrow as Andy pushed past him.

Matt shrugged, following after the other man. John was waiting for them in the parking lot. His arms cross and a scowl on his face. The guitarist gave him a sheepish grin, apologizing for being late.

Andy ignored the rest of his band, making his way into the bunks. He threw his bag onto his bunk, climbing in. He didn’t feel like being social. He cursed himself for not grabbing a bottle of whiskey from the lounge. A blackout would quiet his brain down.

It was a cycle. Every time he made an effort to be better, he ended up running back to his old ways. He would go through phases where he promised to be healthier. To quit smoking, drinking, eat better, workout. Hell, even go to therapy. A couple of weeks would pass and sure enough, he’d come crashing back down. Why did he think this time would be any different?

The door to the bunks clicked shut, footsteps approaching. Matt pulled the curtain back, raising an eyebrow. “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong.” Andy lied, his eyes not moving from his phone. He flipped through Twitter mentions, liking a few.

“Okay… I don’t believe that for a minute.” Matt sighed, stroking the singer’s arm.

Andy glanced down at his hand. Matt could read him like a book, but sometimes it was quite annoying. It wasn’t like he could be honest; the truth would hurt the older man. That he was having second thoughts about moving in together. Spending the past week imagining all the things that could go wrong. All the stupid fights they would get into, things they didn’t have to worry about on tour. Bills, cleaning, privacy, idiosyncrasies.

Then there was the meltdown that always followed tours ending. Being on tour meant having a schedule and things to do every day. It meant hundreds of fans screaming his name every night, making him feel worth something. Singing on stage every night, living his dream. But then it all ended, returning to normalcy. Waking up every morning in a shitty apartment with nothing to do.

Getting drunk on tour was part of the lifestyle. Blacking out every day off tour was alcoholism. His mind wandered to dark places when he had no outlet. He didn’t know what to do with himself, and that led to very destructive behaviors. Was Matt ready for that? The older man hadn’t seen him like that before.

What would happen when they weren’t on tour together? When it was one of them alone. Living in Jake’s spare room wasn’t optimal but at least there was someone else there. There were so many things they hadn’t discussed, and the clock was ticking.

“Babe… talk to me.” Matt frowned, brushing Andy’s hair back.

The older man couldn’t begin to guess what was wrong. Knowing Andy, it could be anything. He seemed more than fine when he woke up, something happened to change his mood. Did he see something online that upset him? Did he get bad news? Maybe that’s why he was stuck in the bathroom for so long.

“Can I not have a moment to myself?” Andy snapped, the questioning starting to bother him.

Matt stepped back, putting his hands up in surrender. “Fine, fine… sorry for bothering you.”

The older man shook his head, deciding it was best to leave the singer alone. Andy couldn’t accuse him of not caring through. He could have his moment.

\---

Andy tipped his head back, downing the shot of whiskey. The liquid burned his throat, but he didn’t bother with a chaser. He was enjoying the comforting numbness it brought too much to give a shit. One of the roadies motioned to the bartender for another round. Andy had lost count of how many he’d had. He’d started drinking when they got to the venue, drunk by the time he went on stage. Now he was heading for a blackout.

He could feel Matt’s eyes burning through him. The guitarist was not amused by his drunkenness but hadn’t said anything. It was the last week of the tour, that was a good reason to drink. Going on weeklong benders? That was practically in the job description.

“There’s no way you’re still standing.” One of the guys from I See Stars laughed as Andy picked up another shot glass.

Andy took the shot, dangling the empty glass over the man’s head. “What was that you said?” he teased.

“You’re fucking insane, man.” CC slapped his bandmate on the back, causing Andy to almost lose balance.

Andy held on to the edge of the bar, the last two shots hitting him at once. He knew he was playing with fire, drinking on an empty stomach. There was no doubt tomorrow he would regret his choices. But that was tomorrow, tonight all he cared about was getting fucked up.

“Another. Let’s fucking go.” Andy slurred.

“No, that’s more than enough. You’re cut off.” Matt’s voice boomed from behind the younger man. A pair of hands grabbing the boy’s arms and pulling him back.

Matt had seen enough of Andy poisoning his liver. He wondered if the man was borderline suicidal. Considering the amount of whiskey he’d consumed. Someone needed to cut him off before he ended up in the hospital… again.

“Cut off? I’m just getting started.” The singer pulled his arms free.

“Andy, come on, you need some fresh air.” The older man hooked an arm around Andy’s shoulders, tugging him towards the back exit.

He was too drunk to fight Matt off, resorting to whining about the man being a ‘killjoy’. The guitarist had to practically drag him outside, his legs not working anymore. He had seen Andy fucked up plenty of times, but this was one of the worst.

“Jesus fucking Christ you’re wasted.”

“So what? What are you going to do about it?” Andy taunted the man, smirking.

Matt rubbed his temples; he was too tired to deal with this. “I’m putting your ass to bed so you can sleep this off.” He groaned.

“Sleep it off? But I feel great.” Andy’s words were slurred, almost to the point of being incomprehensible.

“Why did you even get this drunk? You’ve been doing so well, and now you’re blackout again? What the fuck is going on?”

“You’re trying to kill my fun. That’s what’s going on.” Andy stumbled back, almost falling over. He laughed, finding his state of intoxication quite comical.

Matt knew better than to think Andy was actually having fun. He knew the singer too well. He knew the difference between fun and desperation drinking. Andy was spiraling. Instead of talking about things, he was drowning his emotions in liquor.

The older man had an idea of what the real issue was. He’d gotten an inkling of it when he brought the idea up to move in together. If he had to make a guess, it would be that Andy was afraid of that level of commitment. He tried to remind himself of Andy’s age, the kid wasn’t even twenty-one yet. Still, if Andy was having second thoughts, he should use his brain to process them. Not his liver.

“Andy, seriously please walk…” Matt put an arm around the boy’s waist, letting him hold onto him for balance.

Andy’s head was spinning, he’d taken the past few shots he did way too fast. His stomach hurt from hunger and alcohol. He wasn’t sure if he needed to pass out, throw up, or both. The sidewalk lines blurred, causing him to trip over his own feet. The motion of walking was only making him more nauseous.

“Fuck… can we s-stop for a second?” Andy pulled back from the other man.

“Andy, the bus is across the street.” Matt huffed, pointing at the venue.

“Don’t feel good…” he mumbled.

“What did you think was going to happen when you downed all those shots?” It was harder for the guitarist to have any sympathy for the man. Andy knew his limits, he just pushed past them.

Andy stumbled over to a trashcan by a lamppost, barely able to hold himself upright. He leaned forward, coughing. “Fucking hold my hair back, asshole.”

Matt cursed under his breath, reluctantly pulling his long black hair back. He wrinkled his nose, looking away to avoid getting sick himself. Andy groaned, gripping the sides of the trash can to keep from falling over.

“Are you good now? Can we walk across the damn street?” Matt asked when the singer finally stood back up, his face pale.

“Fuck… I think so.” Andy’s throat felt raw, but at least his stomach felt better.

“You’re laying down and drinking some water. Got it?” The older man stated, guiding the man across the street and into the bus.

“Yeah, yeah…”

Andy fell back on the bed in the back room. Closing his eyes to try and get the spinning to stop. Matt forced a bottle of water into his hands, telling him to drink it. He shook his head, laying down. He felt dizzy and on the verge of passing out.

“Matt, come here…” he whined. Hoping the man could work a miracle and make him feel better.

As much as the guitarist wanted to refuse and tell him he could deal with his own consequences. He couldn’t. At the end of the day, he loved him. Even if he was a drunken, annoying mess. He laid down next to the intoxicated singer. Knowing better than to think either of them would have a peaceful night.

“You love me, right?” Andy slurred, grabbing at the older man’s face. 

“Andy, what are you talking about? Of course, I do.”

“But what if you stop loving me?” He was starting to get emotional, the alcohol in his veins not making the situation better.

“Why would I do that? Andy, stop. You’re drunk.” Matt sighed, brushing the man’s hair out of his face.

“Y-You will. I’m fucked up…” The singer broke down, unable to stop tears from falling. “And I keep fucking up…”

“Is that what you’re worried about? That I’ll stop loving you? Andy…” Matt wrapped his arms around the younger man, holding him close.

“I love you for who you are, you don’t have to change anything. All I want is for you to be happy and healthy…” The older man reassured the singer, stroking his hair.

“I love you too…” Andy mumbled into Matt’s chest, trying to fight passing out.

“Listen, just go to sleep, and tomorrow we can talk about this. Okay?” The guitarist whispered.

Matt looked up at the ceiling of the bus. He couldn’t shake the fear that Andy was spiraling again. Just when he’d gotten him to open up, the man returned to his old ways. He loved Andy more than he’d ever loved anyone else. But loving him was exhausting, it was starting to take a toll on the older man.

By moving in with him, was he signing up to be Andy’s live-in babysitter?


	17. If Dying Is Your Way Out

**Chapter Seventeen: If Dying Is Your Way Out**

Andy was pretty sure he was still half-drunk when he woke up. His head felt like it was going to split in half. The light shining through the blinds felt like someone was stabbing him in the eyes. The singer would do anything to pass out for the rest of the day. After cutting back on his drinking he’d forgotten how miserable hangovers were.

He didn’t even remember most of the night. Vaguely recalling slamming shots of whiskey at the bar. Matt wasn’t in bed with him, hopefully, that didn’t mean they were fighting. He hated that he couldn’t remember. But he could be a real dick when he drank.

Andy almost fell over when he finally made the effort to get up. His equilibrium still hadn’t returned. He stumbled into the bathroom, the noise from upfront making him wince. It had to be past noon already. That only left him a few hours before he’d need to be ready for soundcheck and press.

The singer glanced at his reflection in the mirror. His face was puffy from drinking and his eyes were bloodshot. His stomach looked bloated and he was horribly dehydrated. _What a wonderful fucking day_ he thought to himself.

Matt checked the time on his phone, wondering if Andy had crawled out of bed yet. He doubted Andy would be in the mood to talk but he needed to. The older man needed to know if something was going on. If he was slipping up or having second thoughts, they should discuss it. If Andy wanted to be treated like an adult, he needed to act like one.

“Hey… I’m coming in.” Matt announced, knocking on the door to the bathroom.

Andy didn’t answer, but he could hear the shower running. He turned the knob, slipping into the darkened bathroom. Andy was in the shower, the steam filling the small room.

“How are you feeling?” Matt asked, cracking the glass door to the shower.

Andy had his back to him, the water running over the contours of his body. As much as the man had pissed him off, he couldn’t help but get aroused at the sight. Since he’d started taking better care of himself, he’d only gotten more breathtaking. Matt knew better than to say anything and risk the singer’s wrath. But he looked better without his bones sticking out as harshly as before.

He turned his head, meeting the guitarist’s gaze. “Like I got run over by the bus.”

Matt laughed, that seemed about right. “Yeah… you were pretty bad last night.”

The singer turned the water off, grabbing his towel from over the door. “What the fuck did I do? I don’t remember shit.” He groaned, wrapping it around his torso.

“Well, after you consumed almost an entire bottle of whiskey, I cut you off. Then you got mad at me for killing your fun. Then you puked outside the bar and I had to drag you onto the bus. Then you got emotional and passed out.” The older man recapped the night.

Andy felt a twinge of embarrassment hearing the play by play. He hadn’t meant for it to get so out of control, it just happened. At least he hadn’t said anything horrible. That or Matt was leaving it out. 

“Sorry about that…” he mumbled.

“It’s alright… I guess I still love you.” Matt joked, nudging the other man’s arm.

“I love you too.” Andy echoed, pecking the older man on the lips.

The singer made his way into the back, Matt following in tow. He searched through the pile of black clothes on the floor. Hoping to find something semi-clean.

Matt laid back on the bed, enjoying the view. “You know… we’re not going to be at the venue for another hour. There’s no reason to get dressed…” he smirked.

Andy glanced over his shoulder, rolling his eyes. “I am entirely too hungover for any type of physical exertion.”

The younger man tugged the pair of black skinny jeans up, ignoring Matt’s whining. Once again, the zipper came short of going all the way up. He pulled on it, trying to hide the difficulty he was having. It’s cause of the drinking last night he tried to convince himself.

Matt bit his lip, realizing what was taking the other man so long. There was no way this wasn’t going to cause a breakdown. Fuck. The older man got up, walking over to the frustrated singer.

“Did you put these in the dryer for too long or something?” Andy asked, trying to keep calm.

“Oh… um, yeah maybe I did...” Matt lied.

Andy pulled the jeans up a bit more, before finally getting the zipper to work. They dug into his skin awkwardly. He slipped a shirt on, looking at himself in the over door mirror.

Matt was starting to understand why Andy took so long to get ready the previous day. Which was probably why he was so bitchy. The older man hesitated, not sure what to do. Andy was intently focused on the mirror. Turning to different angles and analyzing himself. He looked like he was about to cry.

“Do I look like I’ve put on weight. Be honest.” He asked, putting the other man on the spot.

“Andy, you look great. What are you talking about?” Matt asked, dodging the singer’s question.

“That’s not what I asked.” Andy shot back.

“No, I don’t see it. You look the same to me…” The guitarist wasn’t about to say anything that would get him bitched at.

Andy had at most gained a couple of pounds. Most of which was probably water weight from binge drinking the night before. He couldn’t understand why the man didn’t see how stunning he looked. He was still one of the skinniest people Matt knew, how could he not see that?

“You’re lying to me. It’s all the fucking junk food you’ve been shoving down my throat the past few weeks.” The singer accused.

Matt resisted the temptation to remind Andy that he had willingly partaken in their indulgences. He thought that was a good thing. That meant he was better right? Or at least getting better…

“Andy, stop…” He grabbed the boy’s wrist, pulling him away from the mirror.

Matt wrapped his arms around the man, holding him close. He could feel Andy shaking and it broke his heart. If he could, he would take all the pain the singer felt. There was nothing that broke him more than seeing Andy hurting.

\---

Matt looked over at the singer. Andy seemed lost in thought. Not paying attention to the conversations going on around him. He was in his stage clothes, makeup still on. The show had gone alright, nothing out of the ordinary. The guitarist worried that Andy would get drunk again. But he hadn’t.

Even now he wasn’t doing shots with the rest of the people on the bus. The front lounge was converted into a makeshift bar. Packed with different band members, crew, and a couple of girls from the show. Music was blaring through the speakers making it hard to hear anything else.

Andy bounced his leg, a half-full red solo cup in one hand. He was still upset from earlier, barely saying anything the whole night. Matt never thought he’d worry that Andy wasn’t joining in the partying.

“You alright?” Matt asked, having to lean in so the singer could hear him.

“I’m fine,” Andy stated, not even bothering to look in the man’s direction.

He knew he was worrying Matt, but he wasn’t in the mood to have fun. How could everyone else be so carefree? They all seemed to be having the time of their lives. Did they not know the fucking world was caving in?

His mind was spiraling. The hunger pains in his stomach were getting worse. The cigarettes and alcohol doing little to quell them. But he was desperate for any sense of control. He knew better than to think Matt would let him out of his sight. Not after his morning freak out. That was the only thing standing in his way of a full-on relapse. But would that be the worst thing?

Matt stood up, finishing off his beer. “Come on” he motioned to the younger man.

Andy hesitated before getting up, feeling lightheaded. He followed the guitarist through the bunks. Matt opened the door to the backroom, relieved to see that no one had taken it already.

“What are we doing back here?” Andy asked, sipping on his mixed drink.

“You didn’t look like you were having too much fun up there. So, I figured we could chill back here.” Matt shrugged.

“I’m not in the mood to party tonight. Not after the hangover, I had this morning.” Andy downed the rest of his drink, setting the cup aside.

Matt knew there was more to it than that, but he let it slide. He wrapped his arms around the singer’s waist from behind. “I love you so much…”

Andy didn’t respond, biting at his bottom lip. The beers that the older man had downed were making him feel affectionate. He pulled the singer towards the bed, causing both of them to fall onto it. Matt laughed, rolling over onto his back.

“I’m not in the fucking mood, Matt.” Andy groaned, pushing the guitarist off him.

“That’s because you’re worrying about shit that doesn’t matter.” The older man chuckled. He tugged at Andy's wrist, keeping him from getting up.

“Fuck you.” Andy glared at Matt, getting annoyed with him.

“Ooh, yes please.”

Matt coughed as the singer suddenly punched him in the chest. Not too hard, but enough to knock the wind out of him. “Oh, you want to play that game?”

He pinned Andy underneath him in seconds, amused by the man’s cursing and threats. Andy squirmed under his hold, trying to free his wrist. No doubt to get another punch in. He didn’t take into account how long the man’s legs were, ending up with a knee to the stomach.

He fell over, wincing. “Fuck- cheap shot” he groaned.

Andy climbed on top of him, trying to pin him. Matt grabbed the man’s forearms, pulling him in close. He gave him a cocky smirk, “I’m stronger than you.”

“I fucking hate you,” Andy growled, trying to hide the fact that all the fighting was turning him on.

“Do you? I don’t think you do.” Matt teased, releasing his hold on Andy’s arms. He gripped the boy’s thighs, digging his fingers into them.

“Mm… f-fuck you.” Andy bit back a moan as the older man’s hands slid up to his ass.

Andy arched his back, moaning the guitarist’s name. Matt thrust into the man all the way, earning more gasps and moans. The singer looked perfect, laid back against the mattress. His legs wrapped around the older man’s waist.

Andy took the man’s hand, guiding it up to his neck. “Choke me…”

Matt had to mentally restrain himself from coming right then. “Gladly,” he smirked, wrapping his fingers around the sides of Andy’s throat. 

The guitarist tightened his grip as he pounded into the younger man. Andy gasped, feeling lightheaded from the lack of blood going to his head. He could feel his climax building, reaching down to stroke himself.

“Goddamn, you’re so fucking hot…” Matt moaned. Loosening his grip, but still keeping the man pinned against the bed.

“Fuck h-harder,” Andy begged, crying out the other man’s name.

Matt clamped a hand over the singer’s mouth, trying to muffle the sounds he was making. Of course, maybe Andy wanted the entire bus to know he was getting laid. He could feel Andy’s muscles tightening around him as the singer came. He couldn’t hold back anymore, giving himself over to the pleasure.

Andy gasped, feeling the older man come inside him. Matt leaned down, pressing their lips together.

Andy reached up, wrapping his arms around the guitarist’s neck. Matt collapsed next to the man, keeping him close to his chest. He traced his fingertips up and down the man’s back in calming patterns.

The younger man closed his eyes, relaxing in Matt’s arms. Focusing on the warmth and comfort they brought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three more chapters left in this story, but don't worry. There will be a sequel. I appreciate everyone's comments and kudos <3


	18. It's Been Watching You

**Chapter Eighteen: It’s Been Watching You**

“Hey babe, look at this one,” Matt said, shifting his laptop so Andy could see the listing. 

Andy glanced at the page. It was for a one-bedroom, one-bath apartment in North Hollywood. It wasn’t anything impressive,  just the basics. Not worth the ridiculous rent listed, and that was before utilities. 

“ I think between the two of us we could afford that. Plus, it’s close to the studio and downtown.” The older man seemed quite content with his find. Scrolling through the listing.

“Yeah… but it’s so tiny.” Andy replied, wrinkling his nose. It wasn’t much of an upgrade from Jake’s apartment. 

“It’s  just the two of us. We don’t need anything that big, not with  constantly being on tour.” Matt was a little hurt that Andy didn’t like it. 

He’d shown the singer several different places over the past two days. Andy had rejected every one of them for some reason or another. He always had an excuse. Too small, too run down, bad neighborhood, too expensive. In less than seventy-two hours tour the tour would be over and they would be back in LA. 

Matt figured it would take some time touring different places. Signing the lease and moving everything in. But he was hoping to at least have a list of options. Warped was only a little over a month away. He wanted to  be moved in by then. Andy didn’t seem concerned at all. In fact, it seemed like Andy was  purposefully looking for reasons to stall. 

“We’re not going to be able to get a place that’s perfect… at least not with our budget. But if we want to  be moved in by the next tour we’re going to have to pick somewhere.” The older man said, looking at the singer. 

Andy had his arms crossed; feet laid up on the hotel bed. He was chewing at his lip ring. A tell-tale sign that something was bothering him. 

“Andy, if you’re not ready to move in together it’s okay…  just let me know.” Matt sighed, closing his laptop. 

The younger man’s eyes went wide, “No, no… that’s not it at all. It’s that… I don’t know… I’ve never picked out an apartment before. I  just moved in with Jake… whatever place you pick… it’s fine.” He stammered, trying to convince himself more than Matt. 

Matt gave him a questioning look. Andy had been off the past few days, even during his set he seemed on edge. He’d almost gotten into a fight with some dude in the crowd the previous night. All because he was flipping him off. Andy had almost jumped in after the man as security drug him out. 

It wasn’t only at shows that he was acting strangely. Ever since they hooked up on the bus, Andy had been rejecting him. Even a simple kiss  was met with hesitation. Matt was starting to worry that Andy wasn’t only having second thoughts about moving in. But about them in general. 

He knew he needed to have a serious talk with him, but he was afraid to. If he didn’t like the answer then where did that leave them? His world would  be crushed . He wouldn’t  just lose the man he loved; he’d lose his best friend too. There was no way their friendship would survive that. 

“We can  just go visit the ones I’ve found when we’re back in Cali.  I think once you see them in person you might like them better.” The guitarist said. 

“Yeah… you’re  probably right.” Andy forced a smile. 

The singer’s phone buzzed in his pocket with an incoming text. Thankful for the distraction he pulled it out, checking who it was from. It was from Jake; he needed his approval on something for the record. It was the perfect excuse to get away. 

He felt like he was about to crawl out of his skin. The shaky sick feeling in his stomach wouldn’t go away. It was getting worse as the clock kept ticking. Closer and closer to the point of no return. Till he fell off the edge of the cliff. It wasn’t that he didn’t love Matt. He did, more than anything. That’s what scared him. 

Andy didn’t trust himself not to fuck things up. If they moved in together soon enough Matt would realize what a mistake he had made. That’s what everyone had done to him. Packed up and left; friends, lovers, you name it. If Matt left him, well he didn’t know what he would do… 

Things had moved so fast, and he was starting to realize he didn’t even know how to be in a relationship. How to show someone love, how to accept love. How to open himself up and be vulnerable. 

Then there was another reason, a darker one. Moving in with Matt meant one of two things. Constant supervision or being completely alone. When they were both off tour it meant they would be around each other  constantly . No unhealthy coping mechanisms, he couldn’t hide them. Or it meant being completely free to self-destruct when he was alone. Both things scared him. 

Jake was his friend, but he kept to himself. If Andy spent the whole day getting blackout drunk in his room, he’d leave him be. If he didn’t eat for two days, Jake didn’t ask questions. That wouldn’t  fly with Matt. 

The older man had started being more vigilant again. Making sure he ate each day and trying his best to keep him from getting too blackout before the shows. It made the singer feel guilty. He shouldn’t need a keeper; he should be able to handle his own shit at twenty-years-old. 

It wasn’t fair to Matt either. He deserved better. Someone who wouldn’t refuse him because they couldn’t stand the thought of  being naked . Someone who didn’t rely on alcohol, nicotine, and various other vices to get through life. 

So, was he self-sabotaging? In a way, yes. If Matt broke up with him and ripped the Band-Aid off now, would it hurt less? Would Matt be happier in the long run? The thought of it made it hard to breathe. 

“Fuck, Jake needs me to go over some shit for the record.” It wasn’t a lie; Jake had said he needed his input. He  just didn’t specify right now. 

“Oh, alright. I’ll uh… find something we can watch while you’re gone.” Matt said, a dejected tone to his voice. 

“I promise I won’t be long.” Andy leaned over, kissing the guitarist. 

It still sent shock waves through the younger man every time they kissed. He only hoped Matt knew how much he loved him. He  just couldn’t love himself. 

Jake had only needed his approval on the album artwork and release date. It took a matter of minutes and then he found himself wandering the empty halls. His hands shaking and his heart beating  wildly in his chest. The panic rising in his throat to suffocate him. 

They had stopped at some gas station on the way to the hotel for a post-show dinner. He’d had some cheap pre-made sandwich and chips, which made his stomach hurt. Matt had kept an eye on him afterward, like a little kid that couldn’t  be trusted . 

Andy walked past a sign that read ‘fitness center’. He stopped, standing in front of the door. He pushed it open, looking around the room. It was only him and the various weights and cardio machines. It was two in the morning, not surprising. 

The singer looked in the mirrors lining the walls. His face  was tired and worn out. His eyes were lifeless and his skin dull. Looking over his figure he concentrated on every flaw he saw, picking it apart inch by inch. 

_Fuck it._

Andy walked over to the small bathroom, biting his lip. It had been a while, his throat, or whatever it was should  be healed . Tour was over in three days anyway.  _That sandwich was expired, that’s why your stomach hurts_ he rationed with himself. He’d feel better, and then he could actually get some sleep. Matt wouldn’t even know. 

The singer locked the door behind him, kneeling down in front of the toilet. Meanwhile, still trying to convince himself he wasn’t relapsing. He pushed his hair to the side, taking a deep breath. It was getting harder to kick his gag reflex in. 

Andy coughed as his fingers hit the back of his throat. The first two times doing nothing but making him gag. He pushed back farther, finally making himself get sick. His eyes watered as he repeated the process. He felt dizzy and exhausted by the time it was all over. The sick feeling in his stomach was gone, replaced with a dull burn. There was no blood this time at least. 

He had to use the counter to stand up, his head spinning. Andy washed his hands and splashed water on his face. Waiting for the paleness in his face to return to normal. He looked at his knuckles, no marks. Instead of feeling better, he felt worse. 

The anxious sick feeling was gone, but in its wake was guilt. He was lying to everyone. Matt, his parents, the fans. None of them had any idea how bad things  really were inside his head. How close he was to the point of collapse. How he woke up every morning in pain, his body crying out in desperation. He’d reach the end of his rope soon. 

He rinsed his mouth out with cold water. Checking his teeth in the mirror, worried that one day he’d see the damage he was causing them. 

Matt stirred awake at the sound of the door clicking open. Andy had been gone for an hour and a half at least. The guitarist had drifted off to sleep, exhausted from the show. 

Andy trudged in, the expression on his face one of misery. He looked like he’d been crying. His eyes were puffy and red. Matt sat up, concerned. Had something happened? Was that why he’d taken so long? 

“Andy… are you okay?” 

“I’m fine…” he murmured back. 

The singer crawled into bed, curling up next to the older man. Matt didn’t believe him for a second, he  was upset about something. Once again, he  was left to play detective. His mind went to the worst-case scenario. That Andy had done something. Accusing him of relapsing would only start a fight though. If he had there was nothing to  be done about it now. 

Andy rested his head on Matt’s chest.  Secretly hoping Matt saw through his bullshit answer. The guitarist’s arms wrapped around him, giving him safety. He felt his breath hitch in his throat as the damns threatened to burst. He clutched at the older man’s shirt, trying to ground himself. 

“Andy… what’s going on. Please tell me…” 

“I don’t know… I-  I feel like I’m falling apart.” The singer broke down. 

“Baby… what happened?” Matt asked, trying to soothe the shaking man. 

“When we get home… I’m going to get you help, okay? I won’t let anything bad happen to you…” The older man promised.

He was in over his head. Realizing that he couldn’t save Andy was starting to hit him. It was taking a toll on him too. He kept telling himself to hold on, but had Andy already let go? 


	19. Your Slips and Slurs and Play On Words

**Chapter Nineteen: Your Slips and Slurs and Play On Words**

Andy blew out a plume of smoke. Thankful that Jake let him smoke in the apartment. He was too hungover to go outside. He sighed, staring up at the stained ceiling. Numbness. That’s all he felt. 

Tour had ended two weeks ago. Now that he was free of call times and schedules, all he had was smoking and drinking. And waiting for Matt to come pick him up to go view some shitty apartment. The older man was working hard to find a suitable place for them. Each time he brought the singer to a new place, he promised ‘this was the one’. Only to have Andy find some reason to turn it down. 

He could tell that Matt was getting frustrated with him. The man was good at hiding it, but Andy knew. He’d tried to get him help, going as far as finding a therapist for the singer. Andy rejected the appointment faster than he had the apartments. He didn’t need to lay on the couch of some old guy with a degree. Pouring his heart out and trying to find where his life went wrong. 

His suffering was constant. The pain and sadness in his chest had become the only reminder of being alive. On the nights he didn’t spend at Matt’s, his mind wandered to the darkest parts. The fear that things would never get better consumed him. That he would never break free of the demons trying to drown him. And worst of all, the fear that he would bring Matt down with him. 

He was in the spiral. 

Matt gripped the steering wheel  tightly . Biting at his nails as he navigated the LA traffic. His body felt heavy from fatigue. He didn’t sleep well on nights Andy wasn’t next to him. He’d have nightmares of finding the younger man. Dead. The scenarios around it changed, but not the horror and panic he woke up to. 

Andy was young. He had time to change his ways, right? Matt wasn’t naïve enough to think the singer was invincible, but  surely , he’d stop before he got to that point. 

Over the past week, Andy had been declining. He’d lost weight, his body once again rail thin. He got drunk most nights and the older man ended up having to take care of him. Matt had never seen Andy this bad before. It was so contrary to the goofy kid he’d met a year ago. Had that all been an act? Was he suffering in silence the whole time? 

Matt shook his head, pushing the thoughts out of his mind. Tonight, would be different he told himself. He’d spent the whole day thinking of ways to cheer the other man up. A nice dinner or watching the stars on the beach. Something that would break the cycle of dreariness that had set in since tour ended. 

His engine cut off as he pulled the keys out of the ignition. Staring up at the apartment complex in front of him. There was a nervousness in his stomach every time he saw Andy. He never knew if the singer would be blackout drunk or hungover. It didn’t use to be that way. He used to light up at the thought of seeing the man. That felt like a lifetime ago. 

Matt knocked on the front door, hearing Jake’s dog barking inside. The man appeared a few minutes later, holding Trixy back. 

“Hey man, what’s up?” Jake asked, holding the door open for him. 

“I’m here to get Andy. He’s up right? I texted him I’d be here.” Matt looked around the apartment. 

Andy had spent the past two days at Jake’s. It had been the older man’s idea. He said something about having to do stuff for the band. That Andy would  be bored hanging around.  Honestly , he needed a break. 

It was in an even worse state than before. The kitchen was almost unusable. Dishes piled up in the sink. Empty pizza boxes and take out containers littered the counters. Bottles of wine and liquor covered what used to be the kitchen table. The living room was a mess of instruments, merch, and clothing. No wonder Andy  was depressed , living in a place like this. 

“Oh, I don’t know. I haven’t seen him all day.” The other man shrugged. “He’s  probably in his room. He got pretty fucked up last night.” 

Matt nodded, making his way towards the singer’s room. At least what passed for a room. In reality, it was a beat-up mattress on the floor. A few posters on the walls and a pile of clothes, makeup, and fan gifts in the corner. 

He turned the doorknob, surprised to find it unlocked. Andy was laying on the mattress, a lit cigarette in his hand. The guitarist looked around the room, noticing the empty wine bottles. He hoped they weren’t all from one night. 

“Uh… hey… it’s seven. You said to pick you up.” The older man said, waving his hand at the singer. 

“Fuck… sorry. I lost track of time.” Andy groaned, sitting up and pushing his hair back. 

It looked like he hadn’t washed it in days. Matt could smell the wine on the man. He watched as Andy  slowly stood up. Unsteady on his feet, having to use the wall to balance himself. Matt could tell he was hungover. 

Andy held his head, the change of position causing it to throb. He felt shaky and nauseous. The byproduct of having not eaten in two days. His bloodshot eyes looked up to meet Matt’s. He didn’t look pleased, his arms crossed over his chest. 

“What?” the singer asked. 

“When was the last time you actually got out of bed?” Matt replied. Andy was still wearing the same clothes he’d seen him in last. 

“I don’t know…  probably last night when the guys came over to drink.” Andy leaned against the wall for support. 

“Do you even want to do anything tonight?” The older man asked. A bluntness to his question. 

Andy could feel Matt slipping away from him. He was growing tired of all his bullshit and self-destruction. There was a part of him that knew it was for the best. He didn’t have the strength to break up with Matt. Whether the guitarist knew it, Andy still loved him. So much so that he had convinced himself Matt would be happier without him. That  eventually Matt would see that too, and he’d leave. 

It would break what  was left of the singer. Another type of self-destruction. Punishing himself for not being enough.  _God, it fucking hurts though_ , he thought to himself. 

“I do… I’ll be fine after I take a shower.” 

“Alright… I guess I’ll wait for you in the living room.” Matt sighed, turning and walking back out. 

He sat down on the couch, rubbing the bridge of his nose. Looking down at his feet he wondered if it was even worth it anymore. What made him think tonight was going to be different than any of the others? It broke his heart to think about letting the singer go. He needed a sign that Andy still gave a shit… anything. 

Jake appeared from his bedroom, surprised to see Matt was still there. “Are you two going out tonight? Or staying in?” 

“Oh,  I think we’re going out to do something. I don’t know… he’s pretty hungover.” Matt leaned back against the couch, trying not to let on how upset he was. 

“We got pretty wild last night. I don’t think I fell asleep until six a.m.” Jake laughed, grabbing his laptop. 

Matt could hear what sounded like Andy throwing up in the bathroom. He was having doubts about even trying to make something of the night. Why not go home and face the inevitable? 

The singer emerged thirty minutes later. His hair was clean and straightened. His makeup done and he’d finally changed clothes. He was wearing some cut-up band shirt and black skinny jeans. Matt could see his ribs through his skin. Despite having showered and gotten himself together, he still looked like he didn’t feel well. 

“Are you ready?” Andy asked, his voice  slightly hoarse. 

“Yeah… let’s go,” Matt said, pushing himself up. 

Andy stayed quiet for most of the car ride. His icy blue eyes staring out the window as the passing cars. It wasn’t until they got to the restaurant that he said something. 

“What exactly is this place?” he asked, looking up at the sign. 

“An Italian restaurant. Craig said it’s the best place in LA. I figured it would be a little nicer than fast food.” Matt replied, holding the door open for the younger man. 

Andy stepped inside, glancing around. It was a nice little sit-down restaurant. Paintings of Italy adorned the walls. The smell of Italian seasoning and  freshly baked bread filled the air. He was starving, his body begging for something other than alcohol. 

Matt was  pleasantly surprised to see Andy eating the breadsticks the wait brought by. Granted, he needed more than  just bread. But it was a positive sign, and Matt was desperate for any of those. 

“I’ve missed you…” The older man said, breaking the silence between them. 

“Yeah? You mean you didn’t miss me stealing all the blankets?” Andy teased, sipping on what was his first non-alcoholic drink in days. 

“Well, I didn’t miss that. But I did miss falling asleep next to you…” 

Andy smiled  softly , “I missed that too.” 

“Are you staying over tonight? Or at Jake’s?” Matt asked.

His dinner date wasn’t exactly innocent. The older man was  practically starved for intimacy. Besides a few half-assed blow jobs, it had been over two weeks. Andy was always too drunk or not in the mood. 

“I figured I was staying with you,” Andy replied, going quiet when the waitress showed up with their food. 

He’d ordered the alfredo dish. Not expecting the massive plate of food. He knew Matt was watching him. The older man tried to be nonchalant, glancing down to see if he was actually eating. Not  just moving the food around on the plate. He was too hungry to only have a few bites. Craig hadn’t lied, it was some of the best Italian he’d ever had. He allowed himself to enjoy the moment, wishing he knew how to make the feeling stay. 

Matt started to loosen up, the anxious feeling in his gut subsiding. It was only one night, but things were going well. Like they were a normal, happy couple enjoying a dinner date together. Had this been the sign he was looking for? Andy seemed like he was in a better mood now that he’d eaten something. Glimmers of the man he used to know shining through. 

The two men stood side by side, their shoulders touching. A lit cigarette in hand as they leaned against the balcony. Andy glanced over at the man beside him, how could someone be so patient and kind? The singer had  admittedly been a shitty boyfriend over the past few weeks. Stuck in his cycle of self-pity and depression. He wished he could pull himself out of it, if not for his sake then for Matt’s. 

One good night out of how many bad though? A twinge of sadness went through the younger man. Realizing how much he hurt the guitarist. Despite Matt’s carefree front, Andy could tell he  was tired . All the nights he must have spent worrying. Not getting sleep because he was too busy taking care of him. How he was getting brought down by the singer’s desperate attempts to stay afloat. In the end, he knew he needed Matt more than Matt needed him. 

He could feel a lump in his throat thinking about it. Loving someone as fucked up as him had to be exhausting. 

“You alright? You’re awfully quiet…” Matt asked, nudging the singer with his elbow. 

“Yeah… I’m alright.  Just thinking about how shitty I’ve been to you…” Andy admitted, looking down at his cigarette. 

Matt’s brow furrowed. “Andy… I know it’s not your fault. I love you… no matter what.  Maybe I’ve been too demanding of you. I don’t want you to feel like I’m forcing you into doing anything you’re not ready for…” 

“I  just feel like I’m stuck… like being happy is too hard.” Andy’s voice was quiet, a single tear sliding down his face. 

He tried to wipe it away, but Matt saw. Putting his cigarette out and wrapping his arms around the younger man. 

“Come on… let’s go inside.” He whispered, wishing he knew the right things to say or do. Something that could fix Andy. 

Andy nodded, following the older man into his apartment. It was late, the rest of his roommates had already retired to their bedrooms. 

The singer kicked his boots off, laying down on the bed. Matt joined him, pulling him back into a protective hug. Andy rested his head against the man’s shoulder. He couldn’t remember the last time he was in his arms and sober. Most nights had ended with him blacking out, hardly remembering anything. 

How many memories together had  been lost to the void? 

Matt pulled back, lifting the younger man’s chin up. He leaned in, their lips brushing against each other. He wanted to feel close to Andy, loved by him. It was something he didn’t admit, but he longed to feel wanted too. He did his best to be strong for the other man, but he needed Andy to be there for him too. To make him feel like he mattered to someone. 

Andy wrapped his arms around the guitarist’s neck, pulling him in closer. He could feel the neediness to the older man’s kiss. 

“I love you so much… even if I'm shit at showing it” Andy whispered between kisses. 

Matt pulled the singer on top of him, reaching up to cup the sides of his face. Andy smiled  softly , turning his head and kissing the older man’s hand. “I love you too, baby” 

“That means you’re going to let me fuck you right?” Matt added, laughing when Andy rolled his eyes. 

“You’re ruining the moment, asshole.” The singer joked, “But yeah… I guess that’s fair payment for dinner.” 

Andy leaned back down, reconnecting their lips. 

He couldn’t lose Matt. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have my first exam coming up in a little over a week so updates might be slow again. One more chapter to go in this part and then the sequel will start. 
> 
> If you're wanting a spoiler for the sequel fic, it has something to do with Hollywood and Highlands....


	20. My Plague's Begun

**Chapter Twenty: My Plague’s Begun**

The night at the restaurant had been a turning point. At least that’s what Matt told himself. It had reminded him why he fell in love with Andy, it was the sign he needed. They spent the night making love, barely getting any sleep. Matt woke up feeling on top of the world. He knew better than to think things would be perfect going forward, but at least he knew Andy still gave a shit. He had missed the man’s infectious smile.

That hope was what made the past few days feel like soul-crushing defeat. Two weeks of seeing how things could be had dwindled back to square one. Slowly, Andy started becoming more distant again. Getting drunk and sleeping all day. Completely uninterested in any form of intimacy unless he was shit-faced drunk.

The singer had lost more weight, and Matt suspected he was back to his old ways. Whenever Matt tried to bring it up, Andy would insist he was trying to tone up for Warped Tour. The older man was too exhausted most days to fight him on it, it was easier to leave the subject alone.

Matt sighed, laying back on his bed and staring up at the ceiling. Instead of moving into an apartment together, Andy had basically moved into his room. He told Andy he was still looking for a place, but the truth was he’d abandoned the idea. The last thing he wanted to do was move in with the singer only to have him bail. Leaving Matt to pay the full rent.

The guitarist turned onto his side, checking the time on his phone. It was well past two in the morning. Andy had gone out drinking with the guys, promising to be back by one. Matt wasn’t surprised he hadn’t come back yet. But it was still another let down on the list.

He flipped through photos on his phone, smiling sadly at the ones of him and the singer. All the way back to when they first met; simpler times. Andy looked so much younger, still holding onto naïve innocence. Matt kept telling himself that person was still there, hidden under all the pain. But he was starting to wonder if that was true, or if he’d ever see that Andy again.

A tear slid down the older man’s cheek, the happy memories bringing an empty feeling to his heart. He tried to wipe it away, but the damns burst. He felt stupid for crying, he was too old to be doing this. He was holding onto a ghost, loving the shell of a person. Andy seemed hellbent on destroying the person he once was.

How much longer was he going to put himself through this? Would it be better to end things now and start to heal? He knew Andy wouldn’t react well to it. But was that because he loved him, or because he didn’t want to be alone? Matt didn’t know the answer, and that worried him. Andy loved his comfort. That was why he refused to get sober, stop the disordered eating, or commit to anything new. He found comfort in this pain and Matt enabled him. Andy would never hit rock bottom as long as the guitarist was there to catch him every time.

Andy stumbled in the front door, his head spinning from the night of drinking. He felt like shit, already starting to come down from his drunken high. Drinking on an empty stomach had been a bad idea. He got drunk a lot faster than he anticipated, blacking out in one of the bathroom stalls. By the time he came to the bar was closing and he was late.

He rounded the corner, seeing double as he reached for the doorknob. Matt was sitting on the edge of the bed, his eyes red and puffy.

“Matt… what’s wrong?” the singer slurred, collapsing onto the bed beside the man.

“Don’t worry about it.” Matt’s voice was cold and distant, instantly sobering Andy up. At least enough to realize it was probably about him.

“I’m sorry I was late… I passed out at the bar.” He reached for the older man’s hand, but Matt ignored him.

“It’s fine, Andy. Just go to bed.” Matt drug his hands down his face, refusing to look at the singer.

“Babe… you’re not mad at me, are you?” Andy crawled over to the guitarist, laying his head on the man’s leg. 

Matt looked down at him. Andy’s lips were pouted, his blue eyes melting the older man’s resolve. He brushed the boy’s hair out of his face, stroking his cheek. His love for the man was going to kill them both. He couldn't fix Andy. Only prolong his inevitable crash.

“I’m not mad…”

Matt woke up early, only getting a couple hours of sleep. He was restless, his mind too active to fall back asleep. Going over different scenarios in his head. If there was any way to save his relationship, he wanted to try it. What if forcing Andy to hit rock bottom was what he needed? If he had to make a choice between getting better or being alone, what would he choose?

There was only one way to find out. Matt spent the morning searching through rehab facilities in the area. There were plenty, most of them focusing on drugs and alcohol. Promising to do wonders in a matter of weeks. He made a few calls to some promising ones. There was one right outside of Hollywood that had an opening. A three week stay with out-patient counseling after. It couldn’t be more perfect.

Warped Tour was three weeks away, giving Andy time to get his head right. He could get sober, learn some healthy coping mechanisms, and work on his well-being. It was his band’s first time on the tour. If he thought he could make it in his current state, he was fooling himself. He needed to get healthy, so he didn’t end up sick from the grueling heat.

For the first time in a while, Matt had hope. Genuine hope that felt like a weight lifted off his chest. The woman on the phone had explained everything to him. Andy would be in good hands; these were professionals who knew how to help him. The only hurdle left was to talk him into it. 

Andy was laying on the bathroom floor, using his arm as a pillow. His head throbbing and his stomach still in knots despite being empty. He shivered from a sudden round of chills. All the muscles in his body ached, exhausted from burning on fumes.

They protested against his efforts to sit up, screaming in pain. He knew he was destroying his body and that he couldn’t keep going the way he was forever. At some point something would give, it was only a matter of time.

The singer managed to get himself onto his feet. Starting the shower and stripping off his clothes from the previous night. He washed away the scent of alcohol and cigarettes. The warm water soothing the pain.

He felt marginally better after brushing his teeth and putting fresh clothes on. The pain killers he took starting to ease his headache.

“Good morning… or afternoon actually.” Matt chirped, “Glad to see you’re up.”

“Fuck… is it really after lunch already?” Andy pushed his hair back, making his way over to where Matt was sitting.

Matt put his arm around the younger man, letting Andy rest his head on his shoulder. “Yeah, it’s almost three. You slept most of the day.”

“Sorry…” Andy glanced over at the man’s laptop, raising an eyebrow, “What have you been up to?”

The older man grabbed the laptop, closing it. “Well I was going to maybe bring it up at dinner… but…” Matt smiled at the singer, “I found something.”

Andy gave him a confused look, “Found what? An apartment?”

Matt had closed the laptop before Andy could get a good look at the screen. But it hadn’t looked like an apartment listing. It was some kind of website with photos of people laughing and walking on the beach. Was Matt trying to go on vacation together? He hadn’t mentioned anything about wanting to.

“No… um… it’s for you. I think I finally know how to help you…” The guitarist took Andy’s hand between his.

“Help me with what, Matt?” Andy could feel his heart speeding up. If Matt was about to say what he thought he was, it was anything but good news.

“The drinking… the anxiety, the eating disorder… Andy, I found a place that can help you. It’s right outside of Hollywood, and it’s only a three-week program. You would be out by Warped Tour.” Matt could see Andy’s face fall. _Fuck_.

“Rehab?” Andy laughed in disbelief, yanking his hand away.

He stood up, pacing around. Matt couldn’t be fucking serious, him? Rehab? No fucking way.

“Andy… please. I called them; they can take you tomorrow. I talked to someone there and this isn’t some twelve-step bullshit. Babe… trust me on this.” Matt pleaded.

“You want me to go to fucking rehab?! Tomorrow? Matt the fucking album release show for _my_ band is in fucking two weeks!” Andy shot back, feeling trapped.

“I’m sure they can work something out where you can still do that. It’s only for three weeks. Don’t you want to get better? Andy… you’re miserable. They can help you.” Matt stood up, grabbing the singer’s arms.

Andy shook his head. Shocked that Matt thought he would even consider something so outrageous. If anyone found out he was there he would be the laughingstock of the whole music scene. He didn’t need anyone’s help, especially not this place. They could keep their meditation and feelings.

“No! I’m not fucking going.” Andy growled.

Matt felt the hope he had spent the morning building crumbling around him. How could Andy refuse the help he so desperately needed?

“You have to. You’re sick. You’re going to end up dead, Andy it’s not fair what you’re doing to the people who love you.” Matt’s tone changed, the cheerfulness in his voice gone.

“I’m fine.” Andy crossed his arms over his chest.

“But you’re not. … I should have told your fucking parents back in Ohio. They would be with me on this one.”

“Tell my parents on me? Do you think I’m a fucking child?” The comment set the singer off, stepping up into Matt’s face.

“You sure do act like one. You know what, you want to play this game. Fine. Either you go, or I do…” It took all the strength the older man could muster to not let his voice crack. Finally giving the singer the ultimatum.

Andy’s jaw dropped, a lump forming in his throat. “You’re not serious… you’d actually break up with me?”

Matt turned his head to the side, not able to look Andy in the eyes. It was too painful. He felt tears starting to form. “Yes, I will.”

“Matt! You said you fucking loved me!” Andy could feel his heartbreaking. This was it. The moment he had feared.

“I _do_ love you. That’s why I’m doing this. Andy, you’re never fucking sober. You never show any emotions, in fact, this is the most I’ve seen from you since we got back for tour. You never want to have sex unless you’re fucked up…”

Matt started to choke up, all the emotions he had been holding in bubbling up to the surface. “I’ve always been there for you. But you’re never there for me. You’re like ice, Andy.”

Andy felt like the world was collapsing down around him. The one person he had was leaving him. He knew he had pushed him to the edge, in some sick self-fulfilling prophecy. But he had underestimated how bad it would hurt.

“You’re telling me this now? What the fuck? How long have you felt like this?” Andy’s voice broke, feeling sick to his stomach.

“For a while… I was going to break up with you that night I took you out to dinner. But you reeled me back in… made me think things would be better.” Matt paused, for a moment second-guessing his decision.

Andy looked completely broken. Was he really doing the best thing for him? “But you’ll never be better… because you don’t want to be. You love being sick more than you love me. I see that now…” He looked down at the floor, his own heartbreaking.

“Matt please don’t do this… I love you.” Andy choked out, all the anger in him turning to sorrow.

He reached for the older man, desperate to make him change his mind. If it was sex he wanted he would give it to him. Whatever would make the man stay. Matt pulled his face away from the singer, grabbing his wrist.

“No, Andy, you’re killing me. I can’t enable you anymore. The ride’s over. Get your shit and get out. Don’t make this harder than it already is.” Matt fought the urge to wrap his arms around the singer. This was torture.

Andy was shaking. Sobbing with his hands covering his face, his hair falling down around him. “P-Please… don’t l-leave me… you’re all I have…”

The words sent daggers through Matt’s heart. He was all Andy had, but that was because he made it that way. Matt could say without a doubt that Andy was the love of his life. He would never love someone the same way, but they were at an impasse. He still had hope that Andy would one day get better. That he would hit rock bottom and admit his problems. Then maybe there was a chance…

“I-I won’t make it without you…” Andy cried, looking up at Matt with bloodshot eyes.

“I can’t save you. And you don’t want the help that can.” The older man shook his head.

Andy wrapped his arms around Matt’s neck, pleading and begging him to change his mind. He could even breathe, let alone think. This was why he didn’t open his heart to other people. It always ended like this.

Matt looked up at the ceiling, not sure if he should pull the singer off him or let him wear himself out. He put an arm around the man’s waist, letting him cry into his shoulder. The older man stood there for what felt like an eternity until Andy grew quiet. Having exhausted himself.

“You need to get your things…” He whispered.

Andy pulled back, the look in his eyes one of pure agony. “I don’t want to go…”

“It’s not up for debate. If you won’t do it. I will.”

The singer stood there, not moving a muscle. In a state of shock that they had reached the end.

“Alright. I’ll do it.” Matt sighed, walking past the man.

He did his best to hold himself together as he gathered Andy’s things. Putting them in his suitcase, the reality of what he had done not fully hitting him yet. It would later when he was alone in bed. Regretting letting the person he loved go. He wiped the tears from his cheeks as he came back into the living room. Setting the suitcase at the singer’s feet.

“I’m sorry things had to end like this. Please know it’s not what I wanted. I’ll always love you… but this is what’s best. For both of us.” Matt spoke, a few more tears falling.

“Yeah… sure you do…” Andy grabbed his suitcase, turning his back and making his way to the door.

"If you loved me you wouldn't be doing this to me... I trusted you not hurt me..." the singer added, hoping the words hurt the other man.

He paused with his hand on the knob, waiting for Matt to change his mind. Praying that the man would give him one last chance. But only silence met his prayers. He pushed the door open, walking out.

Another scar added to his heart.

_-To be continued -_

_Sequal: The Rhythm of Our Lonely Hearts_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter of this part of the series. Thank you to everyone who has left kudos and comments! I really appreciate all the support. I know this chapter was heart-wrenching, so to make it up to everyone I have already written the first chapter of the sequel which picks up two weeks after this chapter. 
> 
> The next part of this series is titled 'The Rhythm of Our Lonely Hearts'. And it is up now!


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